January 2 - April 25, 2003

These entries are from multiple sources. See the footnotes for details.


January 2, 2003
» one design to rule them all?

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I knew I needed a new design for the site, but I didn't plan to work on it much until later. Later this year, that is. Then, I stumbled upon the link to a FABULOUS website. (You can find it at the "design" link at the top of this page.) At the risk of gushing, those are some of the best designs that I've seen in a long time. And she's letting other people use them! I can't tell you how impressed I am with people that run graphics sites. I left her a message, thanking her on behalf of those of us who are "graphically challenged."

Well, this year is off to a great start. Besides the new look for this site - which I literally just want to sit and stare at - I had a great time at lunch yesterday with my friend. Then we went shopping, and I found four new articles of clothing for less than twenty dollars. Sadly, the store confirmed a rumor that they'll be closing in February. (I plan to go every week between now and then.)

Yesterday I tweaked a couple of other sites with small changes that were needed. I've also been working on an update for my personal site. I'm pretty pleased with the effort. The site still needs work but it's slowly coming together.

Short entry for now. I'll save the rest of it for the site update that I plan to do this evening.

Happy New Year!


January 3, 2003*

º²

How has your year been? Overall, mine's been great. I had the day off yesterday, so I went to lunch with my friend and had a wonderful time. I found several good bargains while shopping. I've accomplished some website updates. Work today was busy, in a good way. However, before you think bad things of me for being too perky and upbeat, just as I was about to leave work I found a three inch split in the seam at the back of my skirt. Thank heaven I had on underwear today ... just kidding! Well. Not kidding about wearing ... I mean, I usually wear ... oh, you know what I mean. I guess none of the three guys at work wanted to tell me, because that would prove that they were looking. Believe me, they couldn't have missed it. Surprisingly, I wasn't as embarrassed as you might suspect.

Unfortunately I couldn't just go home and laugh about it with my family. I had a couple of errands that had to be completed today. At first I tied my jacket around my waist, but that looked too conspicuous. So I put the jacket on but not all the way, so it hung a bit lower than normal. I was hoping it made me look quirky, but it was probably better described as "sloppy." :shrugs: Oh well. Maybe others can be entertained by my wacky antics.

In real-life, I had some much needed time vacation/holiday time away from work last week. It was so nice; I was incredibly lazy, but I honestly believe that we need that every once in a while.

In, um, 'Net-life, Frances sent a lovely holiday greeting. Which reminds me: I should probably take down the link to the Christmas site, yes? Maybe next update.

Website-wise, my On-Line Journal has a new look. (Boy, does it have a new look!) I added a new set of slideshows and three memories. I redid the site poll to - hopefully - make it more efficient.
Also updated: about me, to do, faves, about the site, Q&A
Slightly updated: links, net girl, unique, extras, contact

* Technically, I posted this on January second, but I think 1/3/03 looks nicer. It's almost midnight. (In New York.)


January 7, 2003
» Poisoned by these fairy tales

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It's pretty quiet on the Web lately. I see that a lot of webmasters are having the same problem I am: the holidays are over and reality's back in a big way. For example, I started back to school yesterday. (Typing "back to school" always makes me feel like I'm in fourth grade.) In keeping with my tradition of doing something embarrassing every day this year, I blurted out a wrong answer to the professor's question. The prof had just told us to answer and not be afraid to be wrong, but still, we hate for the others in the class to wonder, "What was she thinking, giving that answer?" I'm sure people could visibly see me shrinking back into my shell, resolving to not answer any more questions for a long time.

I have three tough classes this semester. I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm not really worried about it either. I'm just going to do what I can. Lately, I find myself more concerned about actually learning the material than I am about making good grades. I usually get a B or above, but for several courses, I admit that a B does not reflect my knowledge of the material. That bothers me; sure it looks good on paper but am I really learning anything? I hope the professors wouldn't pass me if they thought I just didn't "get it."

Also in the not-worried-much-about-it category is the fact that I have part-time work scheduled just about every day this month. That's a bad idea because it means I start the semester behind in my studies, which leads to the questions in the previous paragraph. However, I like the work, and this is the busiest time of the year for inventories, so that's when they need me the most. The manager asked if I wanted to become a Team Leader. They've asked me before, but I'm happy just being a Worker Bee. She gave me the paperwork for it, although I insisted that I'm just considering it. If it means more work, I really can't help them, because my availability won't change. (I'm toying with the idea of taking a month off after the busy season passes.)

In other news, I've gone out a few times with a guy I'll call Nicholas. (If any of my on-line friends are wondering why I haven't mentioned that, keep reading.) I've known him for a while; we met at work. He's a great guy, and he seems to have a lot of the qualities that I look for in a man. He's a Christian, non-smoker, non-drinker, single (of course), not divorced, no kids, and he's intelligent.

The only bad thing is that I only think of him as a friend. I'm not physically attracted to him at all. I thought it might change the more we spent time together, but so far it hasn't. That's why I don't tell people that I'm "dating" someone; I don't really think of it as dating. He asked me before to let him know if I wasn't interested. I planned to tell him - hopefully kindly - how I felt, but we haven't talked about it much since then. This weekend he sent me an email, asking again how I felt. Although I was hoping to say it face to face, I wrote back a long letter saying that although I think of him more as a friend, I honestly like him more the more we spend time together. I said that if he wanted to hang around and see what develops, I'm all for it. He wrote back that he wants to date someone where there's a chance for love and marriage, and he asked if that was the case. I'm not sure how to answer. If I had to predict the future from the way I feel right now, then, no, that's not the case. I can't guarantee that I'll ever feel differently.

I wonder if I'm asking too much. Have we been poisoned by the fairy tales in sappy movies and love songs so that we have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be? Perhaps. Common interests are important, and if both parties are committed, then the relationship can surely work. But darn it, I want to start out with someone that I have at least a small inkling of attraction to. If that's selfish, so be it.

I think I've said enough for one day. Thanks for listening. :)


January 15, 2003
» Conscious of none

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Since I'm getting behind on watching my favorite shows, I'm pretty much avoiding message boards, news articles, and TV Guide descriptions that might spoil what happens. I hate to have to wait to see them, but it can't be helped at this point.

I have managed to complete my first "homework" assignment, which is due in about an hour as I type this. It's a few thoughts on Traffic Safety. I was going to post it on my website, then I realized that some baddie might take it and turn it in as his or her own work. I just can't support something like that. Plus, I can't bore my visitors with that much drivel. (Isn't there enough drivel here already?)

I'm hoping we won't have to discuss our essays in class. :cringes at the thought: Mine is a big pile of ... fluff although I did manage one thought that was semi-related to the topic.

This week, one of my professors has been out of town, so I only have two classes. That is a real blessing since I'm working so much. Not only does it mean less time spent in class but also slightly less out of class work. Alas, I still have another assignment pending: five problems due next Wednesday.

At my day-time job: Same Old Stuff. Earlier this week, I'd ask the boss how to deal with a payroll situation. Yesterday he asked why I did it that way. I said, "Remember? I asked you, and you said to do it that way." (Yes that is a rather obnoxious way to phrase something; it's the way he would've said it.) At first he denied it, but I had the proof in an email. Later he said something like, "If you have questions about that, you can call Cindy." Cindy works for another company. He is right here, and he had already answered my question. If he doesn't know, he needs to tell me to call Cindy from the start. Besides that, it wasn't that he didn't know, it was that he misunderstood what was being asked, but he'd *never* admit that.

If I'm in a good mood, I find his attitude laughable. But if I'm in a bad mood, his know-it-all tone grates on my nerves so bad that sometimes I can't even see straight. (Thankfully, I don't feel that way often.) I know he's thinking, "Who is this secretary to speak out against me? She needs to learn her place!" Even a lowly secretary, like myself, can be right every once in a while. And even a heap-big VP like him can be wrong.

"The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none." - - Carlyle

Before I started writing that, I was in a pretty good mood. Note to self: reopening past sore spots = bad idea.

Anyway. We - meaning the people in my geographic region - are supposed to have "snow showers" tomorrow evening. Of course, the weather-folk won't commit to anything definitely: they say it may or it may not snow. Yep, those are pretty much our options. One weather guy claimed that even if it snows, it won't stick. Sigh. I suppose that's good: for the next two evenings, I'm scheduled for inventories that are out-of-town.


January 21, 2003
» "Yahoo" is not the word I'd use

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I spent entirely too much time this morning trying to update my credit card information at Yahoo. I still don't know if it accepted the change, and - according to the schedule - they'll bill me for the Angel account tomorrow. Hopefully they won't immediately shut the site down if the cc info wasn't updated - maybe they'll warn me first.

Anyway. Yes, I'm falling behind on updating most of the sites. I don't like for that to happen, but I'm determined to not let my obsession ... er ... *hobby* add to my stress level. School is only going to get busier. Plus, I mentioned that I'm working just about every day at my part-time job, right?

Tonight, for example, we're counting at a children's clothing store. I was at an inventory there about a year ago and it was bad. They have a small stockroom that is about two stories high and full of tiny clothes. Picture it: a nook about the size of a walk-in closet with stacks of shelves. One person is on a tall ladder while another person is under the ladder counting the lower shelves. It takes a long time to count because there isn't space for all the workers that we need. Last time, I think we finished the store about two in the morning - that's much later than most of the stores that I inventory. (We started the inventory at seven.)The next time they tried to assign that one, I turned it down. If we're there until two am tonight, I'm turning it down from now on!

Next week will be a headache: most of the inventories start at six, which means I go straight from work or school to the gig. (In this case, you can interpret "straight" to include a brief stop for something to eat. :)

However, the week after that, I have gigs scheduled only two days. I honestly plan to start turning down work too. I know January is busy and I try to be there for them when I can, but after that, they'll be on their own for a while. Which reminds me: they're changing the way the schedules are done. Team Leaders will be responsible for groups of about ten people; the manager asked if I would be the assistant for one of them. That means I'd be doing the grunt work, i.e. scheduling. Trying to contact the group members. Having them call and cancel at the last minute, then frantically trying to replace them. Hearing them complain about too many or too few hours worked. No, they didn't say those things went with the job, but you know they do. I said that I was too busy at the moment to help them out.

Tomorrow and next Monday I have a 10:30 makeup class. We'll meet for an hour and 20 minutes, then break for lunch and be back at 12:45 for another hour and 20 minutes. I told my boss that I'd prefer to be off on those days and he said that would be fine. (I could only have come in for two hours anyway.) Spending so much time in class is not so bad, but I dread the long assignment that will, no doubt, accompany it. Plus, the professor in my third class said that he'll assign more problems to work and take up the previous assignment in tomorrow's class.

That pretty much sums up my current life happenings. I could ramble a bit more - you know that's true - but duty calls. *g*


January 22, 2003

º²

This will be a very small update, but I like to post something new every once in a while - when I can't manage more than that - so you'll know I'm still alive. *g* I'm hoping my real life hectic-ness will start to slow down after the next few weeks. In the meantime, yesterday I managed a new entry at the On-Line Journal - if you're looking for plenty of pointless rambling, I recommend it.

Last week, I noticed that my MacGyver site and the Service page are now listed in the appropriate categories at the dmoz directory; that really made my day. (I knew something was up; those pages are repeatedly listed as some of the top pages visited in my site stats.) Now if they would just update the TV show category at the main fanlistings site ... Oh, wait. I'm a fine one to tell someone else to update, aren't I? In my meager defense, the fanlistings are updated and I'm planning an update at the Angel site on Sunday; I'm scared to commit to anything more than that because something always comes up.


January 23, 2003

º²

Thanks to icy roads this morning I didn't have to go to work. I actually attempted to go - about noon *grin* - but when the truck in front of me slid twice, I turned around and crept back home. I suppose I should be working on my impending assignments while I have the time, but procrastination is a part of me that I've come to accept. The purpose of this update is to announce that Frances has her blog on-line; I'll be checking it often to see what she's up to. (Thanks for the linkage; I've added you to the links page as well. Also, belated thanks for appreciating me. I owe you a fansign! :)


January 28, 2003
» Busted!

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Yes, I am busted. Yesterday the scheduler from my second job called my full-time job; she told my boss she was from the place where I work part-time. I haven't told my FT boss that I've been working elsewhere - for almost two and a half years. He wasn't angry, but I bet he's very surprised. One reason I haven't mentioned it is that my boss is rather suspicious; he asked if I was planning on leaving any time soon. Another reason is that it doesn't affect my main job: the second job has known about the first from the start and they work around it.

At the inventory last night, the manager said that they were trying to call me earlier to see if I wanted to be off tonight. (Is he kidding? Do bees buzz? Do bears bear?) He interpreted my dance of joy as a "yes." So tonight, just in the nick of time, I do not have to work. I have two assignments due tomorrow, and this will give me a chance to work on those. Plus, I plan to start catching up on the Alias episodes that I've missed.

School-wise, I have three assignments pending: one is due on Monday. I'm not working much this weekend, so it should be no problem. Correction: I'll have time to work on it, but the problems will not be easy. Plus, we'll have another assignment due Wednesday of next week in the third class. The week after next, one of my professors is going to be out again, so we'll have two more classes to make up. :groan: No wonder I get the impression the boss doesn't believe all these class schedule changes - I'm the one saying them, and I find them hard to believe! Happily, the prof's absence will lighten my load a little that week, so I'm definitely not complaining.

Proving that anyone's life can have soap-opera qualities, several entries ago, I mentioned a guy that I'd been seeing named Nicholas. I sent him an email response explaining that I think of him more as a friend; he called me soon after that and we chatted. I guess at this point we're still seeing where it goes from here, since I've been too busy to see him much to discuss it further. Anyway, he used to work for my "main job" company, but he left. They're trying to find a full-time position for him again, but so far, he works off and on as a consultant. He said that he's been asked to be at the office on the days that I go to class. That means he'll have free range of my computer. He is a computer genius . . . this cannot be good.

I was about to frantically remove any trace of my personal files from my work computer, but then I considered that if he goes snooping through my documents, he deserves to read something unkind. Don't get me wrong, I don't write mean things about him to my e-pal or anything like that: I try to show people more respect than that. The worst that he could find would probably be something like I post here, which is more of a The Truth Hurts situation.

Obviously, I haven't told him about this site - or any of my sites, since he could get here from there. For one thing, it wouldn't be fair for him to have so much information about me; plus, he's a deep thinker and I can picture him picking over every word and analyzing it. (If you're reading this, "Nicholas," you know that's true. :) For another, I already don't feel free to post some things knowing that people from my life can visit this site. Would I write differently if I thought only strangers read my ramblings? Probably. But who knows.


February 2, 2003

º²

It's Groundhog Day - Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog, saw his shadow, btw - so, I thought it was about time to take down the link to my Christmas site. A page of love tips is the closest thing I have to a Valentine's Day theme. Being single doesn't bother me, but Valentine's Day isn't one of my favorite holidays.

I'm glad to see the end of January because it means that my part-time work will slow down dramatically. Some people are literally amazed when I tell them about my two jobs and college student status. I guess they picture me toiling all day at one job then going straight to the other job for another eight hour shift. Believe me: it's not like that. Except for January, I usually don't have much more than one gig a week and the average one lasts just a few hours, so it's not very taxing. Still, if they think I'm some sort of Supergirl, who am I to argue? ;)

The Fanlistings finally updated their TV show category and added my MacGyver site/fanlisting. Between that and the site being listed at dmoz.org I'm very pleased. I absolutely love that show, and I would love for its fanlisting to become one of the largest around. In other site news, I updated the memories and to do pages on this site, and I plan to update the Alias site either tomorrow or the next day.


February 3, 2003

ºº

On a whim, I redid the layout of this page. I will let Alison know that I used one of her fabulous designs.

Well, puttering around with the layout, I'm out of time. So my pointless rambling about the latest guy I'm attracted to that is completely inappropriate will just have to wait.


February 6, 2003
» Spoiled rotten

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I have a theory: spoilers are evil. I'm a few episodes behind on 'Alias' - and on 'Angel' but nothing new there - and just about every one of the Alias sites I visit regularly has spoilers on the main page. There is no avoiding them: even the titles of articles on entertainment news websites have them. Sigh. I am determined to catch up on those episodes soon. I watched one yesterday, so I'm only two behind. The goal is to be caught up in two weeks. If I didn't insist on reviewing an episode before I watch the next one, I could catch up tonight. But that would be too easy . . .

Making the goal more challenging is the fact that I have three assignments that need to be worked on. If I could work on them and finish them, it would be no problem. But that is not the case. Any one of the assignments takes a long time, and even after hours spent on them I don't know if I'm anywhere near correct. That is frustrating - bordering on depressing - and it makes it tough to even start the assignment. Plus, I have a test the week after next that I need to prepare for, but it's the same situation, where I could look at the material constantly and still flub the test. Sigh, again.

Slightly encouraging is the fact that I got a perfect score on a homework for the first time this semester. Before we turned that one in, I overheard some of my classmates discussing answers and one of their answers did not match mine. I honestly believe they are smarter than I am, so I was sure my answer was wrong. However, going over the problem in class, it was revealed that they all worked it the same incorrect way. I still think they're smarter than I am, but the moral is: don't sell yourself short.

Another project that is challenging my Watch The Episodes goal is that I have begun work on a new design for the Alias site. I'm very excited about it since that site has had the same look since July. I plan to make the next design practical enough to put on every page; the way the site is now, just about every page has a different look - that is not good.

In other news, a guy called work asking for the person in charge of the copier. Having had several bad experiences with rude telemarketers, I'm always on the defensive whenever one of them says the word "copier." The guy asked if I was in charge of the copier and I said in a bored/whatever tone, "Yeah, sure." He asked for my name, and I gave him a fake one. :wicked grin: He began telling me how he's obligated to inform us of changes to the prices of toner. (Wha . . . ?) My spider sense started to tingle, telling me that he was somehow trying to scam me, so I said, "No thanks," and quickly hung up on him. A few minutes later, the phone rang again. Knowing it was probably that guy calling again, I attempted to make my voice sound different. It was him, and he asked to be put through to the bogus name I gave. I told him that person had left for the day. Not to be discouraged, he tells me, "I like your accent." Then he says, "I bet you're beautiful too." Are you kidding me?! I've been answering the phones at work for over three years and flattery is *not* the way to make a sale with me. I'm sure he'll call again tomorrow, and I'm hoping I have to get rude with him. Or maybe I'll interrupt him and say, "You know, your voice is very sexy. What are you wearing?" Or maybe after I tell him we're not interested, if he keeps trying to talk me into it, no matter what he says I'll respond with, "Buttercup."

My boss is out of town this week, so it's nice that people call and provide amusement for me. *g*


February 12, 2003

ºº

Is anyone else feeling an overwhelming amount of stress and frustration lately? I am. The main cause of it is that I cannot accomplish anything on my impending homework assignments. One is due this afternoon, and apparently I'm going to blow it off because I don't have time to do it. Even if I had the time I don't have the understanding to do it. :groan:

On Monday I skipped my first class because we had an assignment due and he makes us work problems on the board. As you can probably guess, I couldn't do any of that assignment either and I was very much dreading the thought of being humiliated by not being able to work a problem. So I skipped the class, but now that means I'd better not miss another one unless it's an actual emergency. I went to see the prof after class to see if he'd accept my homework. He asked where I was, and I said I had to work. I know, I'm a great big liar. Maybe I should have told the truth, that I skipped to avoid a public display of my stupidity. He was pretty nice, although he gave me another assignment, due Monday. Great. More work to go with my crushing load. So next week I'll have a test in one class, a huge assignment due in the other, and this small-looking-but-no-doubt-will-take-forever assignment for class number three. Oh, plus we're in groups now because - since we don't have enough to do already - we'll be assigned a group project as well. I know this is college - senior level engineering classes on top of that - but for crying out loud! I like learning, but it frustrates me SO MUCH to spend hours on the assignments and not accomplish anything.

This week, a guy I'll call Brian is coming in to answer the phones while I'm at school on Monday and Wednesday. I told him Monday that I did not have my first class either day this week, so I can be at work a bit later. This morning he called and I reminded him of that; he sounded peeved because he'd left his other job to take over for me about noon. I said that I told him on Monday that I would be here later both days; but his tone implied that it was my fault that he didn't understand that. I know I said more than once, "My professor is out of town this week."

Brian and I have also gone out a few times, but I've told him before that I think of him more as a friend. We haven't talked much about it since then, although we're supposed to go out on Valentine's Day too. One of the things that bugs me about him is that he often feels compelled to explain things to me and/or correct things I do. He'll say something like, "Wouldn't it be better to do (whatever) this way?" I want to snap, "You're right: it WOULD be better to do it your way, but since I'm SO INCREDIBLY STUPID, I didn't realize that I was doing it the dumbest way possible all this time!" (I'm really having a pity party about this feeling-stupid business. Can you tell?) I know he means well, but sometimes people don't want others to correct every little thing they do. My boss is the same way. If he ever asks for my advice on something, he'll immediately dismiss any answer I give as incorrect. Why in the world does he ask me?

Back to the subject of Brian, he's a great guy and he and I are very compatible. If someone was going to put two people together, they would put us together. Knowing he's a good guy, I try to keep an open mind, but there's no chemistry - on my part anyway - beyond friendship. I often wonder if I'm being unrealistic, looking for something now that would in fact take time to grow. But there are people I'm attracted to: of course those are guys that are completely wrong for me. Those are probably just crushes, but knowing I *can* feel that way makes it painfully obvious when I don't. How I long to feel that way about someone that I'm actually dating.

Listen to me: "... how I long for ..." Pfft. Valentine's Day must be getting to me. More likely than that, it's all this stress.


February 14, 2003
» . . . could you please rephrase the question?

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This entry's title is from one of my favorite quotes. Lily Tomlin said, "If love is the answer could you please rephrase the question?" I always think of that on Valentine's Day.

Unlike most Valentine's Days that I've endured, I have a date this evening. Well, it's sort of a date. It's with Nicholas - the guy that I have mostly friendship feelings for. I'm actually not sure why he asked me out; we haven't talked much since our email question and answer session about our "relationship" several weeks ago. I think it could be a bad idea to hang out under the guise of friendship with someone who wants to be more than your friend. Besides the obvious disappointing result of nothing more developing, it could happen - as it so often has in my past - that as I grow to like him more, he grows to like me less. That's happened to me . . . I forget exactly how many times, and hence this wall around my heart.

He visited the office yesterday. I was in another office and he went straight to my computer - as he often does. (I think that's so rude; it would be like going straight to someone's bedroom and looking into their closet.) The webpage of links that I frequently use was open, and he said, "You have a homepage?" As I made my way back to my area, he continued, "You have an on-line diary? Pardon my intrusiveness . . . " I said, "Yes, and I'll thank you not to read it." He does that often as well: he'll say something like, "I'm curious . . . " and proceed to ask a very personal question. I'm sorry, but your curiosity doesn't necessarily warrant a response. He didn't even look up when I entered the room because he was staring intently at the screen, no doubt making a mental note of as many of the URL's as possible.

I don't mean to paint him as a weirdo or a creep or anything like that. He's not bad - in many ways, he's better than just about all of the guys I've dated. But some things about him bug me. A lot. I have no doubt he could say the same about me. And I'm looking forward to this evening; our plans include going out to eat, then to a dance. As good friends do, we're going to split the cost.

School-wise, I've been really stressing out about all of the assignments that I just can't put a dent in. I even skipped a class on Monday because he has us work homework problems on the board and I didn't have a single one done with any degree of certainty. However, now that I've played the Skip Card, I'd better not miss another class unless it's an actual emergency. If I don't have the assignment completed, I'll just have to take my licks in the form of public humiliation. Yesterday, after I completed over half of what I thought would be the worst assignment, I felt a bit more able to handle my heavy classwork load.

In other news, Vinnie, the telemarketer that I gave a bogus name to, has been calling very regularly asking for that made-up person. Earlier this week Vinnie called - again - and asked to be put through to Mary, as he always does. I said that she wasn't answering her phone, but I asked, "Is this about toner for the copier? Because she said that we have plenty of that." He said, "Oh, no. I'm with Rubicon Computers. I spoke to her last week and she asked me to call her back." That confirms what we already knew: telemarketers lie. The thing that bothers me most about him continuing to call is that I hung up on him the first time. Did I sound remotely interested in whatever he is peddling? I didn't think so, but apparently he thought that response was a little unclear. :rollseyes:


February 16, 2003

º²

Moments ago, I was getting quite angry over feeling snubbed. I was going to post an ill-spirited message, then the song "Leader of the Band" came on and I calmed down. I started thinking about life and how insignificant and pointless elitism is. Sure we all are to some extent, but to actually think you're better than most people is remarkably conceited, don't you think? And to deliberately try to exclude people because you've decided for whatever reason to dislike them is just stupid. There are enough things in the world that make people feel bad about themselves; why would anyone ever intentionally treat someone badly? I suspect the answer is that something in the elitist person's mentality needs for other people to be put down so that maybe, just maybe they can somehow lift themselves up.

Well that was preachy, wasn't it. I just don't get how some people can be so small-minded ... there I go again. Anyway. Have I mentioned that I love my boss? (Eww! Not like that!) The most recent cool thing he did is to announce that we will take the holiday tomorrow. I'm busy - that's a shocker, huh? - and a day off from work is always a blessing.


February 24, 2003
» Every crush has a rusty lining

º³

My www.neloo.com sites have been down all day. More disturbing than that is the fact that the site of the company I bought hosting from is down, too, as is another site that I know is hosted with them. Also, I am not able to send them emails. It's very disturbing. If they're not up by tomorrow, I'm going to search my paperwork for a number to call. I've paid for hosting with them for two years, and I haven't even used up six months of that yet. I hate to think of the visitors that I'm losing . . . Hopefully that company is just doing some "maintenance." Yeah, that's what I keep hoping.

Anyway. Last week I was feeling very "crushy" for the first time in a long time. First, I was obsessing over one of my professors. Friday night, I went to an inventory and wound up counting near a fellow employee that I think is *so* handsome. He's much younger than I am, but who cares? I'm (mostly) just flirting. He was really chatty as usual, and I - trying to be flirty, I guess - said something entirely inappropriate. Don't ask what it was, because I plan to never say it again. It was wrong but I think it accomplished my goal of intriguing him greatly. The next night, we were doing another inventory together. At the first opportunity, he teased me about what I'd said the previous night. (No, I won't repeat that either.) I didn't think he had forgotten it. Now, I hope he doesn't tell anyone else!

Also at the store on Saturday, at one point I was counting near another guy that works for the inventory. I've always thought this guy was so cute and nice, btw. He mentioned that he was hungry, and I agreed that I was too. He said, "I just may have to go use my coupon for IHOP." I said, in am impressed tone, "Ooh. You've got a coupon for IHOP?" I think the subject changed briefly, or maybe someone else was talking to him, but a minute or two later he asked me, "So you wanna go?" I couldn't believe it! I didn't know what to say; at this point, he and I were right next to the other guy I'd been flirting with. I can't remember exactly what happened, but I didn't say anything and the moment passed. Darn it. I should have seen that coming. I would love to have gone out with him. I thought he used to date another lady that worked at the inventory company about a year ago; I almost asked him once before if he was seeing her, but I didn't want to be too bold.

Just because my life is funny like that, further adding to this funfest was the fact that Nicholas - the guy that I've gone out with but mostly have friendly feelings for - was counting in an area nearby, just as he was on Friday night when I said too much to the other guy. He probably heard that guy ask me out, but I pray that he didn't hear my comment from the previous night. Although we're in the friendship stage, I certainly don't want to flaunt that by flirting with other guys in front of him.

In other news, things are busy as always. I made an 86 on the first test of the semester, and I honestly thought I failed it. Thank heaven for partial credit. We have a test in my second class on Wednesday; and I've heard it is long and tough. The professor tried to comfort us by saying that it's easy if you know what you're doing. He also told us that the last time, after the test some of the students were crying in the hall. I've talked to other students that have had the class, and I honestly don't think the professor was exaggerating.


February 26, 2003

º²

If you've been to any of the sites at www.neloo.com this week, you probably received an error message. Apparently my host suddenly had to switch ... something ... and decided that telling their clients wasn't a priority. I thought that they had gone the way of the dot com and disappeared without a trace! The main site for the hosting company was down and the phone number I had for them had been disconnected. I sent several panicky emails; finally one source - another webmistress with excellent contacts - replied to tell me what was going on. The host's main site is back up today, and I hope neloo.com will be back up before the end of the week.


February 26, 2003

ºº

Yesterday I saw that Brian had left a message in my guestbook. He'd found the site (rusted-crush) on a link from a message board link that I'd written on a note near my computer. I wrote to him saying that I was a little peeved, and that I didn't tell him about the sites before becuase I didn't really want him to know about them. I said that I post my private thoughts there and I generally don't want people in my real life to read them. He called me yesterday evening to say that he didn't mean to violate my privacy and that he had planned to ask me first before reading any more.

Today, he was at work when I arrived. He asked to speak to me on a personal note, and he said that he realized that I didn't feel the same way that he does. He said a lot of things - yes, he analyzed the crap out of our situation - but he accepted that we don't really have a relationship. I was a little sad just because I hate to see him sad, but I couldn't argue with what he said. I also regret that despite all my talk, I couldn't just be honest and tell him what I knew he didn't want to hear. I'm sure that would've been more kind.

In other news, my neloo.com sites have been down since Monday. I was starting to get worried because the main site for the hosting company was down, emails to them wouldn't go through, and the phone number I had for them had been disconnected. I feared that they had gone the way of the dot com and disappeared into the night. I even wrote to another hosting company, asking if it was possible for me to switch my domain to them. I finally heard from another source that my company was switching providers (or something) and were hoping to have the sites up by today. Their main site is up, at least, so I was able to write to them. The other company that I wrote to, replied back and told me how to switch my domain to them. Wait a second! I was just asking for information from them, in case the first company had disappeared. I hope that the second company hasn't done anything to mess up my business with the first company. I'm paid up for hosting for about the next year and a half, and I really want to use that, since I've paid for it.

:groan: Why do I mess with websites again? Oh yeah. It's "fun." :rollseyes:

This afternoon, we have a test in Transportation. The prof (Dr. Anderson) told us that after the test last year, people were crying in the halls afterward. I've talked to others who've had the class before, and I don't think he's lying.

All of this is really stressing me out, with the biggest thing being the sites. About Brian, I don't know why he said so much when his basic message was, "I give up." He had read that I've been keeping a journal since 1985; he said that I was "building a museum to myself." Another guy that used to like me had visited one of my sites and later said to me, "You think highly of yourself don't you?" See, THAT is exactly why I don't want people that I know to read the sites. I even told Brian that in the email; people will form opinions about me based solely upon their interpretation of what I've written. And more likely than not, what they think it means is completely wrong.


March 4, 2003

º²

The sites at neloo.com are back up, but I'm not able to update yet because I can't FTP. (The sites came back the day after I posted the previous message, and I'm hoping the same thing happens with this FTP business.)


March 4, 2003
» The Lazy Lover

º³

Last week, Nicholas found my site collective and left a message in my guestbook. I sent him an email, saying that I didn't tell him about my sites because I didn't really want him to know about them. I said that I post my private thoughts there and I'd prefer that people in my real life not read them, because I know how people tend to draw conclusions based on misinterpretations of things other people say/write. The next day, he was at work and asked to speak to me on a personal note. The general point of his speech was that he realized that we don't really have a relationship, so basically he was giving up.

He said a lot of things that as I thought about them later made me quite angry. One of those was that the only emotion I seem to show him is anger. Huh? I don't think that was the case at all; that peevish email was the first example I could think of that I spoke harshly to him. He also pointed out all the things that he's done for me, and he remarked that I hadn't done anything to show him that I care. He said, "It could be that you're lazy as a lover." (Note: he meant "lover" as in one who loves, not the commonly used meaning for the word.) What right does he have to say that? I told him clearly that my feelings for him are mostly those of friendship. I never asked him to do any of the things he did for me; I even wondered several times if his actions were attempts to force a relationship between us. Plus, if he was doing those things out of love - as he claimed - he wouldn't have been keeping a record of them.

The way he listed reasons that he was giving up reminded me of the way someone would fire an employee; he even made notes of things he wanted to mention. I've thought about meanly saying to him, "You know, no one that I've actually been in a relationship with has ever accused me of being lazy." But what's the point? I did do him wrong a little in that I didn't tell him that I can't see anything ever developing between us because I am not the least bit attracted to him.

Anyway. Enough of that drama. My www.neloo.com sites are back up, but I still can't update. The new design for the Alias site is ready to be posted, as soon as I can FTP again. I've sent tech support two emails about the not-able-to-update situation and I have yet to receive a response. If it's not fixed in a day or two, I'm calling their so-called help line.

In school, I am extremely busy and not just a little behind. I have not been able to complete even one assignment in my first class; we have a test in that class next week. I wonder if it's too late to drop . . . but I have to pass this course now, unless I want to add a fourth tough class to my final semester next spring. In my second class, we got our tests back and I did NOT do well. Thankfully, I've done okay on the homework, so my average for the class is an 86 at this point.

Is it not time for spring break yet?


March 10, 2003
» The opposite of lazy, I'd say.

º³

I was as busy as a proverbial bee this weekend. One project that I completed was posting the new layout at my Alias site. I've been working on the layout for about two months - off and on, when I've had a few moments to spare. Finally, it's up and I'm quite pleased with it. Of course, the graphics are pretty basic, because I'm still me; then again, I didn't want them to be too large. My main goal was to make the pages look more consistent - the way the site was before, just about every page had a different look. I also wanted to add a menu to every page to make navigation easier.

For those same reasons, my next project is a redesign of the Angel site. That is a huge project: the main section alone has over seventy pages, then there are separate sections for fanfiction and episode reviews, and each of those has over 100 pages as well. Still, the redesign has got to be done. I'm close to having a good layout ready, the only problem is that the picture I want to use is pretty large. That is my most-visited site, and a huge graphic on every page will really increase my bandwidth use, not to mention increase the load times for each page. I had set the goal of having the new layout up before the end of March, and that might actually happen, since Spring Break starts in two weeks.

This weekend I also started and completed a homework assignment: considering my track record this semester that was a miracle! I tried to study for the test in my third class on Wednesday, but I'm overwhelmed. That is my toughest class, and I very much dread the impending exam. :shudders: The professor assured us that it won't be like the homework, but my inability to do the homework has given me a terrible case of self-doubt. After the test, or maybe even as early as today, we'll also be given a Special Project in that class. Ugh. That's just what my self esteem (and my GPA) needs.

I still want to see the Two Towers again. (Aragorn is my favorite non-website obsession. :) I *hope* that it's still playing by the time I get around to going to the theatre.


March 12, 2003

º²

The day after the previous entry, I visited my hosting company's site and used their "Chat Live With Tech Support" feature, and I was able to update my neloo sites again. Apparently, they had changed the address that I was supposed to FTP to. You know, a *good* company - or perhaps just a company that didn't want to be flooded with emails asking questions - would have sent their clients a bit of notification about that little matter.

Since I can update again, I posted the new layout at the Alias site. I'm pretty excited about it; that site's had the same look since July. I loved the banner that Phoenix made for me, but it was huge, so I didn't want to use it on every page. Therefore, just about every page had a different look, and that wasn't good. The new layout fixes that problem, plus there's now a menu on every page, so navigation is much easier. (I plan to do the same thing at the Angel site before the end of this month.)


March 26, 2003
» Less talk. More action.

º³

I haven't been writing much on my personal sites, but I often skip a week or two, so that's no surprise. I decided that I'm not going to post much about the war. I have strong beliefs about it, but I doubt I could change anyone's mind, just as they couldn't change mine. I'll just say that I support our troops and I pray for them and for our country's leaders.

I'm on Spring Break from classes, and I'm in full vacation-mode. My group from one class had planned to get together and work on our class project, but when Monday rolled around, we decided to take an actual break during the, um, break. Unfortunately I'm working literally every day of it, thanks to inventories both days last weekend and next weekend. At least no school assignments are due next week, so my free time is actually free.

My project for the week is to re-vamp (pun intended) the Angel site. So far, it's going well. I plan to post it to the site on Sunday evening. I have a nagging fear that after I post it, some people will write begging me to put the old layout back up. That would break my heart, since I'm spending so much time and effort on the redesign. Plus, I really like the new look. I'm thinking of putting a note to the effect of "I'm sorry if you don't like the new look, but I don't have the time to put the old one back."

In more 'Net news, it's becoming quite obvious to me that I'm just not a message board type of girl. I really don't know why I visit the ones I do; usually when I start to post a message, I delete it because it sounds very lame. I feel the same way in real life; I'm pretty goofy when I try to actually talk to people - I have videos to prove it - so I usually just listen. Because of that, I think some people wrongly perceive that I'm a snob. Maybe they think that on the message boards too, because I just don't seem to "mesh" with anyone. (Note: I don't write this as a pity party - it's just who I am.)

This evening I plan to take a little break from website work and go see The Two Towers again. I suppose I could go see something new - like Chicago or Daredevil - but Aragorn isn't in either of those, so TTT it is.


March 26, 2003

ºº

My boss is out of town this week and it's painfully quiet and slow. I'm sure a lot of people think that sounds pretty good but it's so boring. Spending the day puttering without doing a single productive thing doesn't exactly leave a person feeling fulfilled.

I've been visiting several message boards; there's one in particular that I don't even know why I bother. I feel like they ignore me. I know that looks childish. I feel childish saying it, but it's true. Lately I've posted several messages and no one has responded to any of them. I'm thinking of putting "the thread killer" in my signature.

They welcome most people with open arms; I can't figure out what happened if they really are ignoring me. I wonder if they read a comment that I wrote in my on-line journal; one day I was feeling peevish when I saw something one of them had written and I remarked on that. I didn't talk bad about anyone; I just said that it hurt my feelings quite a bit since I interpreted what they had written to be written against one of my sites.

Usually when I feel like this, it's best for me to avoid the boards for a while. So, that's what I'm doing; that's how I wound up over here, having a little pity party. :) Actually it's not really a pity party. I've felt like this for a long time; now when I feel that way again, it stings a lot less. I'm coming to accept the fact that on message boards - and in real life - I'm just not a people person.


March 31, 2003

º²

Yesterday was very busy, but things mostly worked out the way I wanted. I worked two inventories at my part-time job, but we were back home in time for me to make it to choir practice and church. (Choir practice was great: we practiced a song we've done before that's one of my favorites.) At home, after a bit more tweaking I posted the new design at the Angel site, as planned. I've been spending time every evening of the past week adding the new layout to the over 500 pages on the site.

Last week we had Spring Break, so I had no classes to attend and it was wonderful. I had time to do frivolous things like work on websites and go see Aragorn ... er ... The Two Towers again. Today, reality set in as classes resumed. I slept through my alarm, was late to work, gave a wrong answer in class and felt like a dunce while meeting with a group to work on a project. My brain must still be on vacation ...


April 9, 2003
» Student, advise thyself!

º³

Yesterday I went to meet with my academic advisor at the college. I needed two things from him: a signature on my fall registration form and to know whether I am correct in saying that I have only five classes left before I graduate. However, thanks to other signature-seekers and question-askers, he ran out of time. I'll have to look at the classes I've taken and find a list of what classes I need. Basically I'll have to become my own advisor.

In other news, at my day-time job, we have a new "Human Resources Manager." He seems nice enough, but something about him strikes me as slightly phony. Yesterday, the boss asked me to order business cards for the new guy, and I asked New Guy what the title should be. He responded, "You can make it 'Corporate Administrator' since I'll be doing the HR work, plus Web development . . ." and several other things that I've been doing. If he's going to be doing all of my old duties, what do they need me for? To sit all day and answer a phone that doesn't even ring once an hour?

Then the boss asked me later if I'd be interested in working at another location "if the opportunity arises." I said it would depend on whether or not the new position could accommodate my school schedule, since I still won't be available for full-time work. However, if they don't need me any more, they can just tell me. I'll gladly resign and just concentrate on finishing my education. (Not to mention being my own academic advisor.)

In other news, next week is going to be very busy school-wise. We have a test and big assignments due . . . I dread it. Today I feel like I've forgotten something, but there's nothing due, so I can't imagine what it is.

In website, um, developments, I discovered that I was approved to start the first fanlisting I applied for. I applied for it in September; I found out I was approved earlier this week after I received an email that it was now on the troubles list, since I hadn't responded to my approval email. (I never got the approval email, thanks to trouble with one of my email accounts.) I wrote back that I'm still interested in running it, and I told them I'd have it ready within a week, if not sooner. I created the design that same day, so now I just need to add a bit of content. I also plan to update the Angel and Alias sites this weekend, but they may turn in to small updates due to all of my impending school work.


April 11, 2003

º²

If you've seen my to do list, you know that I really don't have time to be on the 'Net. Then again, when has that ever stopped me? I've been inspired to work on websites lately: I created new layouts at neloo and Angelesque. (Warning: the one at Angelesque is a wee bit bold.) I was also approved for another fanlisting - view it here - and I'm fighting the urge to apply for another one. Yeah, I know. I'm a glutton for punishment. *g*

I need to put the website stuff on hold for the most part for a couple of weeks while this semester ends. (Finals were invented by a very sick, very sadistic individual. I'm certain of it.) Things are also busy at work because we're hiring about 30 people, which more than doubles the amount of employees that we had. They even hired a guy to handle the Human Resources stuff, which is part of what I used to do. But am I jealous? Nah. Heck, I'm hoping that he can replace me completely, and I can resign and concentrate on finishing my education.


April 18, 2003
» Once upon a time, two years ago

º³

Two years ago day I opened my first website. This is what it looked like. (Yes, I've always been a big fan of the table layout - and the exclamation point! :)

Now it's time for another installment of Adventures in Registering. In the previous entry, I wrote how my advisor was pretty, well, worthless. (He's a great guy and an excellent instructor, but quite possibly the world's worst advisor.) Sadly, I have yet more proof to that fact. The day after I registered, I discovered that a class normally offered during the spring semester has been split into two parts, so I needed to register for the first part, which would be offered in the fall. Why didn't my advisor tell me this, when I was in his office the day before? I know that he's beyond busy, but this is why one needs an advisor. So, I had to visit him again for another signature. Yesterday I went to register and learned that the time of the new class conflicts with the time of one of my other two classes, so I couldn't add the other class. That's frustrating but I can't really say that I'm surprised: the class schedules are frequently messed up like that at my school. Today I emailed my advisor who - much to my surprise - wrote back to say that "they" are working on resolving the problem. It makes sense that I'm not the only one this problem is affecting; the conflict is between two senior level classes. I swear, the scheduling department is run by monkeys.

Speaking of monkeys, on Tuesday evening I had the misfortune of working near one of the few people that I don't like at my part-time job. I'm sure she's not always this way, but around me she always seems to scowl. If I ever have to ask her a question - which is a rare occurrence - she answers with more than a hint of sarcasm in her tone. Anyway. Unfortunately I wound up counting in an aisle with her, and once she found an opportunity to offer "assistance" in her sneery little way. I'm pretty confident in my ability to do the work at my job; I'm not perfect, of course, but I'm far from being the worst worker they have. So I wondered why it is that around certain people - like her - I always seem to mess up. Then I thought, "Is it that I always mess up around her? Or is that she (and people like her) will always comment whenever someone else slightly messes up?" The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the answer is more than likely that she harps on slight errors that other people would have the good grace/sense to let go. She was probably trying to make herself feel superior by making me feel bad about myself, but I can assure you that she is not capable of making me feel stupid. (Error-prone, yes, but not stupid.) I've been around a while, and if nothing else, I've learned pretty well not to take personally the petty remarks of others.

I've decided that the VP at my full-time job is one of those harp-on-mistakes types as well. He's not as bad as Sneery Girl, and I don't think he tries to make himself feel superior, but he must believe that I have absolutely zero sense. He's been that way since I was hired (over three years ago!). I truly don't know why. I don't routinely lose files or botch up projects. I don't wander around the office looking confused and asking a string of endless questions. When he asks me to do something, I don't look completely dumbfounded - I don't think I do, anyway - so why does he feel compelled to over-explain everything? He'll ask something like, "Do you know about . . . " whatever the subject or task is, and I'll respond that yes, I know what he's talking about. But he keeps explaining, like he's waiting until he really believes I've "got it." I know I've mentioned my boss's quirks before, but they became noticeable again after the addition of the new guy. Over the past week, the tasks I've been assigned have been the most menial: making copies, typing things up, running errands. I don't mind doing those things, but I'm a little insulted that he calls someone else in to help because he doesn't think I know how to things like make copies of the files he's put on a CD. Again, I'm definitely not perfect, but I know a lot more than he gives me credit for.

I apologize that this post is turning into a gripe-fest. Maybe instead of writing all those boss-isms here, I should collect them and add an oh-those-quirky-bosses section to my "service!" website . . .

In happier news, Monday the 21st is the last day of classes for this semester: WOO HOOOOOOO! I'm so thrilled to be taking a break from classes this summer that I inwardly weep for joy whenever I think of it. But before I can tackle the growing list of summer projects, I have to finish this semester. Sigh. Two days ago, I put together a report at the last minute, and I'm hoping that my rushed effort doesn't result in a low grade for our group. (In my defense, the group didn't provide me with all of the information until Tuesday, when I also had to work all day.) On the 21st, the group from our other class has to give a presentation on our project. The estimate of our hypothetical construction project totaled up to be much less than that of the other groups; I'm afraid that as we stand before the class, we'll discover that the way we did our calculations was incorrect. Once we get through that debacle, there'll be just three little (here, little means "amazingly huge monster") finals standing between me and freedom.


April 22, 2003

ºº

Happy Earth Day! (Uh oh - I'm inspired to make a new site layout ...)

In other news, finals are swiftly approaching, and I can't wait to finish them and get on with the Summer of Freedom. :) I have many ambitious plans; it'll be great . . . I am SO burned out with school. I love to learn new things, but I've been going to school non-stop since - I don't actually remember when. A break is much needed.


April 23, 2003

ºº

Well, it's Administrative Professionals Day but so far, no one at work has even mentioned it. Nice, huh. Yeah, I'm just the secretary. The other day my boss asked me how to do something in Excel; I thought about it then made a suggestion. A few minutes later he told me he figured it out, then explained how he did it USING MY SUGGESTION. Gee, if only I'd thought of that!

At work, we're hiring about 30 people and our schmoozy HR guy promised them that he would fill out the insurance applications and such as much as he could. Two days ago he asked me if I could help with the promise he made to have that done. I wouldn't mind helping him if he was doing it and couldn't finish it, but so far, he's done diddly squat on that. He probably planned for me to do it all along; then he gets the credit as everyone thanks him. My question is, why can't they fill the forms out themselves? That's part of getting a new job - you have to fill out paperwork.


April 23, 2003

º²

Happy Administrative Professionals Day! I was ready to work myself up into a (whiny) fit of righteous anger if my boss didn't at least say "Atta girl," then these were delivered. *beams* I don't actually consider myself an administrative professional, since I plan to enter the engineering field when I graduate from college, but there's no Engineer Wannabe day.


April 25, 2003

ºº

Okay, well, the boss didn't forget me for AP Day - he ordered flowers. :beams:

In other news, I'm feeling peevish after seeing that fl's were started for two other people, one of whom updates even less than I do, if you can believe that. The other moves her sites around and takes them down for weeks at a time, plus has countless broken links and images. Unbelievable. Yeah, I'm probably just jealous. As I've whined about before, I take that as just another indication of my non-acceptance. I plan to check on those fl's from time to time and laugh a little when I see that only a few people have joined.

I, for one, plan to join no more. I'll keep an eye on the ones I already belong to and when they disappear, I'll remove the link from my sites.

At work my lady boss, MA, is back in town for two days. It's terrible to say, but I prefer it when she's not in. She thinks she is all-knowing and when she's around she usually finds opportunity to give me some sort of instruction, just to remind me who's in charge, I guess. Thinking of her attitude, I just remembered two, no three, no four- five! -instances for my oh-those-quirky-bosses webpage. (FedEx forms, timesheet told-you-so, "a five year old could do it", "Anne doesn't know!", keys for the office, "you're not cleaning the sink", "why is this not going through?", Rocky lied!)

It's almost like MA's been reading what I write, because she's being really nice today. I feel almost bad for recalling all of those Follies that I plan to put on my website. I'll add a note with them saying that my job is really not so bad; it could definitely be much worse.

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