May 1 - June 30, 2003

These entries are from multiple sources. See the footnotes for details.


May 1, 2003
» Mrs. Reeves

º³

Recapping the events of the past week:

On the 25th, I took my first final of the semester, and I'm happy to report that it went very well. I think it did anyway, and that concerns me a little since when I think I did okay, I often didn't. Despite that, I think I might actually have made a 100 on it.

On Sunday the 27th I went to an inventory at a pet store. Kat, a fellow employee, greeted me with "I have met the man you are meant to marry." As I'm thinking, "Wow! She met Keanu Reeves?!" she proceeds to tell me all of the wonderful qualities of some guy named David who works with her at her second job. Isn't that predictable? There I am, content with my life, minding my own business, then someone shows up, putting me on the spot, declaring that they've met my Mr. Right. She asked excitedly if I'd be interested in meeting him; I gave my standard noncommittal response: "I guess there's no harm in meeting." Then, as soon as the gig was over, I snuck out before Kat could find me and try to set up a date.

Another friend of mine tried several times to set me up with some guy she knew. When describing him, she said, "He's . . ." Then she paused, as if searching for a word that was truthful, yet somewhat flattering, " . . . nice." The look on her face as she said that - a look that said she was hopeful because she pitied him (and possibly me) - literally made my stomach churn as I thought of meeting this less-than-stellar person. I know that she and Kat are just trying help, but if I can't find a guy on my own, I'd prefer not to have one at all. After my many failed relationships, I'm pretty jaded when it comes to dating. If I haven't met the guy and felt some sort of spark between us, even getting me to meet him would be a major feat. Also because of those failed relationships, I'm very content to be single.

Anyway. I had my second and third finals on Monday; they were about as bad as I thought they'd be, but at least they're over. The Summer of Freedom has begun. Yes, I know it's not officially summer yet, but I'm starting a little early, okay? ;)


May 4, 2003

º²

Tonight is supposed to be the Season Finale of Alias but strong storms are predicted to move into this area late this afternoon. When that happens, our local ABC news team goes "wall to wall" - yes, that's what they call it :rollseyes: - covering the storms and they'll cut into the programs without shame. I have to work tonight at my part-time job, so I was already going to have to tape it. Now, if there's even a threat of bad weather anywhere in the viewing area, that station will talk about the weather until everything's clear. Does anyone else have this problem? I think that type of coverage only desensitizes people to severe weather warnings.

In other news, I'm free! I completed my final exams last week, and I'm taking no classes this summer. I already have a large - and growing - list of projects that I want to accomplish. I'm very glad to be taking a break from school but right after my finals I found myself feeling just a little bit worthless. Isn't that crazy? I've been talking for many months about how I "can't wait until the break," then it gets here and I start to miss the pressure. The truth is, I can't completely take a break from studying: I plan to take the FE exam in October, and I need to prepare for that in a major way.


May 5, 2003

ºº

One more week until we know the fate of Angel. I really want for it to have another season, even though it's a hassle for me to try to find the episodes and review them; who cares? It's a labor of love. LOL. It worries me that they're waiting so long to announce its fate. At first I wasn't worried, but now I think they've already decided and they're just waiting until after the season to announce that they're not renewing it. If that's what they're doing, that's a pretty cruel tactic, giving us a chance to tell them our opinion and vote (it keeps winning all the Save Our Show polls that it's listed in) only to find that our efforts meant nothing. That would make people more angry that simply canceling it without warning. I suppose it's pointless to worry about it too much; I hope they're just dragging it out get publicity for the show. I really think its audience would increase; if Spike joins the cast, I KNOW the audience would increase. Even if he didn't, I think former Buffy fans would watch even if they didn't before, just to see one of Joss's shows.

In other news, last week I told someone from my part-time job about my websites. Not this one, of course, but the main ones. Before I said anything I considered whether that was wise or not, as I tried to recall if I'd said anything about anyone by name. Still, I told him. I checked this morning and didn't see anything questionable, but I seem to recall writing about Chris and Chris. Hopefully that was just in a letter to my epal.


May 6, 2003

ºº

This new guy . . . I don't know how to complete that sentence and fully convey my thoughts about him. It's like he's got some sort of manager complex, but there are only three people in this office: him, me and the boss. So, he apparently thinks that it's his duty to putter around, meeting this person or that, talking on the phone haggling about insurance and benefits. Meanwhile he thinks I should do the grunt work, like make copies and sort stuff (stuff that will only have to be un-sorted later!). Plus, he wants me to do stuff like fax insurance paperwork to the proper company: didn't the boss say that New Guy is to handle ALL aspects of the company HR stuff? Whatever.

In other news, I watched the Alias season finale yesterday, and I can't over-express how I hated the ending. As plots go, it's an interesting concept that leaves them wide open for all sorts of story changes. I just hate that they broke up Syd and Vaugh: he's freakin' married! :sobs: And where's she been all this time? As I said, plot-wise they're in great shape, but I still hate it.

In other news again, I heard today that Kristen (the spoiler queen) is 95% sure that Angel will be renewed. YES! Thank you, TVPTB! I needed some good news after that Alias debacle. The official announcement about Angel is supposed to be made on Monday the twelfth. I'll probably update the site on that day too, but I have to work that evening. Oh, well. That'll be tough but not impossible.


May 8, 2003

ºº

I must be insane; I just volunteered to take over another Angel site. Well, I just hate to see a good site close down. They'd put a note up about wanting someone to take over. If it stays where it is, and they just need someone to update every so often, I can do that. If they need someone to write episode recaps - well, I'll use the ones from my other Angel site. *grins* I probably shouldn't have done that. Oh well. Maybe they won't write back.


May 9, 2003
» My Insanity: Exhibit B

º³

I must be insane; yesterday I volunteered to take over another Angel site. Well, I just hate to see a good site close down. They'd put a note up about wanting someone to take over. If it stays where it is, and they just need someone to update every so often, I can do that. If they need someone to write episode recaps - well, I'll use the ones from my other Angel site. *grins* If the owner doesn't want me to have it, I won't be devastated or anything. I just thought I'd ask.

Yesterday also, I received my grades for the last semester: two B's and a B-minus. Yeah, it could've been worse (and honestly it should have been in one class) but that's a bit disheartening. I was hoping for an A in one of them, but my low test score on the first test in that class must have brought the average down. Oh well. At least I'm free from that burden for the summer.

At work, the new guy still irks me every so often - hopefully, I return the favor sometimes *g* - but I think I'm growing accustomed to him. One irksome thing he does is try to delegate menial tasks to me. Sure, I usually have time to do those things, but I've decided that he has a Manager Complex and that annoys me when he only wants to sit in his office, fretting over a few phone calls. The boss said that [HR guy] was to handle "all aspects" of the HR stuff, yet I still find myself doing plenty of it, too. I'd written a few weeks ago in an entry that I was hoping that guy could replace me completely, but as busy as I've been for the last week or two, I really don't think that's going to happen.

In other news, I'm ushing this weekend at a local production of "Lady Windermere's Fan." I haven't heard of that play before, and I thought of looking it up on the Internet, but then I decided that I'd rather be surprised. The theatre group is also asking if we can be ushers for a production of Shakespeare's "As You Like It" in June; I plan to sign up for that soon, because I'd love to see that.


May 14, 2003
» No excuses

º³

I'm in one of those moods where I hate my extremely long, traffic-filled drive to work and my extremely long, boring-project-filled day at work. Nice, yes? I just started this entry and I'm already griping. I'm not really in a bad mood, I just don't like my job. Not that I ever actually love it, but this week I hate it.

On Sunday, I went to an inventory at my part-time job. As I was counting in the salad dressing aisle, who should walk by but a fellow employee that I dated. He either quit or got fired about a year ago, and I had no idea that he was back. He asked if I was having fun. I replied, "A pretty good time," and he walked on. As I went back to counting, I had one of those is-this-my-life? moments as I considered how I was "romantically linked" to four of the guys at that store and there were only about twenty of our employees present. I'd dated two guys, been asked out by one, and am interested in one but wouldn't pursue a relationship with him. Ah, the joys of the single life.

The guy that returned is partly responsible for why I wouldn't pursue a relationship with the other guy. I learned that just because you can have someone doesn't mean that you should. That's kinda tough, too. I'm always saying how I want to date someone that I'm attracted to, and it's so flattering when cute young guys show interest in me. (That's still a new experience for me - liking someone who seems to like me, too.) But for me, attraction alone isn't enough reason to date a guy, just as common interests aren't enough either. When I find the guy that I'm attracted to AND have common interests with, I guess that will be the one for me. Of course, he'll probably already be married to someone else. Sigh.

Yesterday I was whining to someone that I've been lazy so far during the summer break. Right after that I thought, "Oh, Anne, DO stop hiding behind that excuse!" So, I plan to try. I have so many things that I want to do that it's tough knowing where to start. But I've got to start somewhere.

In other news 'Angel' has been renewed: I can't tell you how happy that makes me. I had announced on my Angel site weeks ago that when I found out about the renewal, I'd send an announcement to those who had signed up to receive an email when the site is updated. The mailing list is a Yahoo group, and unfortunately, last weekend there was an outbreak of emails sent. I do mean an outbreak: I found one set of 44 messages, then received another set of 17. Most of those were due to someone's email sending out automatic responses, and as you can imagine, that annoyed a lot of people. So the announcement about the renewal probably got lost in all of those messages. Sigh. I hate that, and I also hate knowing that 180 people who were good enough to sign up for update notification had their inboxes flooded.


May 15, 2003

º²

In the previous entry, I was fretting over whether or not I'd be able to watch Alias: thankfully, the storms didn't start until the next morning, so the show was aired as scheduled. However, I might have understood it more if I hadn't actually seen it. o.0

In other news, last week I was chatting with some people from my part-time job, and one of them mentioned that he has a small website. (He calls it his "poetry-o-rama" - on the site, not in real life. :) After briefly considering whether or not I'd written anything that could later be used against me - :wink: - I shared that I too have websites. When I'm at the computer, I don't think anything about it, but it sounds a bit odd saying "I have websites" out loud to others when there isn't a computer anywhere around. Anyway. Although he was the only one who wrote down my site's URL, a few other people might have heard me say it, so anyone visiting here from my part-time job should consider themselves greeted. Send me an email, or sign the guestbook or something - let me know what you think! And if you read something juicy here and you think you know who I'm talking about ... let's just keep that between the two of us, a'ight?


May 19, 2003

ºº

The other site person wrote back to say that someone else was taking over that Angel site. That's probably for the best.

At work, I'm peevish again. (I think I'm seeing a pattern to the peevishness . . .) The other day the boss had a CDRW drive installed in my computer so I can back up files. He said, "Now I don't want to hear that you've lost something." For some reason, that rubbed me the wrong way. Well, I still won't be able to access the files that I lost when the computer crashed about a year ago. I admit that the petulant part of me loves to say "I don't have that" when he's telling me something in his know-it-all tone. Also peeving me this morning, he'd asked for my timesheets from this year and I find a stack that says one of the weeks was missing. I can just picture him, in his know-it-all way, getting annoyed that stupid me left one out. That's like last week, he needed me to run an errand and he said, "You can go there; remember? You went to get the key?" NO! I'd COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN about that! GRRR!

I've been trying to do a layout as a tribute to Buffy, but everything I do looks like crap. I've got one ready, but, yeah it's pretty crappy. I aim for something simple and not-so-bad, then I see all of these other fabulous designs and I throw my hands up in despair.

Last week also I was miffed about the sites again. Those webmistresses with fl's haven't updated their sites in weeks - yet they get fanlistings to them and their sites are listed at the ABC page. Unbelievable. Well, I've been pretty disinterested in Alias since the finale, so I haven't updated since I posted a poll on the sixth. I plan a small update this week - today, tomorrow or whenever - but I don't know when I'll recap and review the last two eps. :shrugs: I've got all summer.


May 21, 2003

ºº

KA [my boss] just said that maybe I should take a day and get organized. That's probably true, but still it burns me up. No matter what I do, he still talks to me like I'm a complete idiot. I don't know why he doesn't do everything his expletive self! "Get organized." Well, that would probably be a lot easier if I didn't have my stuff, HR stuff, KA's stuff, and all the other crap that needs to be "filed." I only have two small filing cabinets. As I said, no matter where I put things, it's the wrong way. Plus, just as soon as I put something away, thinking that I won't need it for a while, KA comes out asking for this set of timesheets or that off-the-wall thing then I have to pull everything out and put it with the existing pile of crap. Trying to be helpful in his condescending manner, KA suggests putting away the stuff from previous years. I'VE ALREADY DONE THAT! It's the current stuff that I can't seem to put away. Then [HR guy] wants me to file all the HR docs. I KNEW I'd wind up doing that, and I don't mind if it clears up my area and gets some of the burden off of me, but I just know as soon as I put the stuff away I'm going to have to pull it all out again. Of course, that won't happen until after I've put the stuff away, so I might as well go ahead and do it.


May 22, 2003
» The "O" part

º³

Years ago, I worked with a charmingly sarcastic guy named Kris. One day as we were working, a song featuring country music singer Lorrie Morgan asking, "What part of 'no' don't you understand?" was playing. Never lacking with a snappy comeback, Kris retorted, "The 'O' part."

I wrote all of that to mention that Ray, my ex, called me yesterday. I didn't check the Caller ID before answering, and there was his voice, saying hello. I replied with, "Oh, for Pete's sake!" He sounded amused, asking if I was going to hang up on him. No, I won't hang up. I don't mind doing a brief catch-up chat. Then he asked if we could meet for coffee and talk. "No." He tried to talk me into it. (Have I mentioned that I HATE when people do that? "No" does NOT equal "Talk me into it.") We chatted another minute more and he asked again, to which I responded, "No, I don't think so." That's where my subject line stems from; clearly, there's some part of our conversation that he isn't getting.

It figures that he would call, since it was only yesterday morning that I wrote this to Michele: "I remember how right Chell was when she said I should've just cut my losses - although it would've been tough - and moved on. But, no. I'd try to give him the benefit of the doubt, and it was nice already having someone, you know? I really hated the thought of trying to meet someone new, and there'd be Ray, looking so handsome. Sure he wasn't perfect, but what relationship is? I did care for him, and we'd spent so much time together that I hated to just give up. By the time I grew a spine and called to leave a Dear Ray message on his voicemail, I'd been on such an emotional roller coaster, with him leaving, and me trying to accept that and move on only to find him back again, that it was hard to care much one way or the other. At some point, even when he was back and we were, as they say, "on again" I'd feel cold inside, since I'd learned how things were and that I couldn't believe a word he said."

No, I don't often talk to her about Ray; I was trying to relate an experience . . . it's a long story. But as I wrote that paragraph, I was really re-living that old messy situation. It seems like whenever that happens, Ray calls soon after. My sister informed me that she'd found his number on the caller ID a few weeks ago; he must've called when no one was home. If she had told me that, perhaps I wouldn't have been so taken by surprise. Not that knowing he called would've changed anything. It doesn't bother me a bit to talk to him, or about him, because I don't plan to ever find myself in that sort of "relationship" again. Certainly not with him.

In other news, I finally saw the Buffy series finale. To my surprise, I liked it. It left me with a sense of hope, which is a good way to end the show. If it had ended badly, it would've seemed like they'd been fighting all this time for nothing.

In other, other news, I'm pretty sure that we get Memorial Day off - as a PAID holiday. (Those are the best kind!) I'm sort of dreading that, since last Memorial Day I found myself having a severe crisis of faith that lasted for several months. I hope that I don't have a relapse.

In other, other, other news, just so that I don't end on that depressing note, I've actually begun to accomplish several of the things on my list of summer projects. I had a brief spat of laziness - I may have mentioned it - then I really tried to take my thought of not hiding behind that excuse to heart. So far, so good.


May 27, 2003

º²

New layout: I was ready for something more summer-y. I plan to not get so attached to layouts at this site, so expect a new one around the time summer ends. Please excuse any broken links; I was in a hurry to post this and go to sleep. I plan to add screencaps of previous layouts and check the links and such tomorrow evening.


May 29, 2003

ºº

I'm having yet another one of my jealous fits over the sites. Yes, other webmistresses get fanlistings for them - but yes, those are not getting too many members so I'm okay with that. (One of them was just the other day begging for members. LOL!) Yesterday I was surfing through some of the pretty good, okay fabulous, blogs of some people that I'd found before and okay, yes they're excellent. But must they be so darn smug about it? Why do I keep visiting those sites, when I wind up feeling like a mere fan of the person? Sigh. By comparison, I feel like my sites are so ugly and plain and rejected. It reminds me of myself in highschool: average-looking and largely ignored.

Again, I gotta rant about the Alias sites. Mine gets zero recognition though it's updated regularly. Ones that haven't updated in TWO MONTHS get recognized. Ones with broken links get recognized. Ones that are only there to promote themselves, ones that have went to being only message boards and even ones that have SHUT DOWN get recognized. It really makes me want to quit. I know people visit my site, but you'd never know it by the number of people who don't sign the GB. And no one ever lists it among the Must Visit Alias sites. Is it really that bad?

Perhaps what's bringing these rants on the most is the fact that a webmiss who formerly used to mention me and sign my GB from time to time hasn't mentioned me at all lately - not even when telling of her buds who have new layouts. Isn't it a fine thing for someone as old as I am to be whining about that? I know, it shouldn't bother me. None of this should bother me but it does. You'd think I could stay away from those other sites but I must be a masochist because I visit them almost every day.

About the first rant, I'm trying to put together a great new design for RC. It won't be great by others' standards I'm sure, but I want it to be something I'm proud of. About the Alias sites, I've already stopped visiting forums and such, and I'm glad. I must be a hard person to get to know, or something. Then again, when I perceive that others are ignoring me and/or don't want to hear what I have to say, yeah, I'm gonna hold back a bit.

I was gonna start an Alias news site, but since there's already an excellent one, I think I'll make that d-x one my new Secret Diary. Mmmm_ Maybe later. For now, it's easier to just post it like I've been doing.


May 30, 2003
» the size of their toys

º³

Q: What's the difference between women and girls?
A: The size of their toys

Sign number one that I'm not a kid anymore: I finally learned today what "punk'd" means. I've seen that referred to all over the 'Net lately, and I was completely clueless. (I figured it was from a song . . . ) For those of you that already knew, I bow to your innate coolness. *g* And for those of you who aren't familiar with it - I can't be the only one, right? - click here.

Sign number two: I've been seriously thinking about trying to get a loan to build or buy a house. If you've read about me on my so-called personal site, you know that owning a home is one of my biggest dreams. I love to look at home improvement stores for flooring, cabinets, bathroom fixtures, etc., while imagining what they'd look like in my own quaint-yet-stylish abode. It would have to be pretty small, but that's all I need. I just want a little place to call my own, a place that I can keep reasonably clean and fill with nice things. Practically speaking, I'd have a better chance of getting a loan now, since I've been at my job for almost four years. If I wait until I graduate and (hopefully) find a new job, I'll probably have to be at the new job for a year or two before I'll qualify for a loan.

After today, I'm going to be very busy for several days. Tomorrow, I'm going to a wedding , plus I have gigs at my part-time job scheduled for the next five or so days, with two on Sunday. It's probably good that I'll be away from the computer, because I've been spending a lot of time doing website stuff lately. I can tell because the pain in my left leg - the pain that mysteriously appears after long hours of computer work - has returned. On the bright side, I'm on a layout frenzy! I've already got two that I'm waiting a few days to post; one of those is for a site where I just changed the layout ten days ago. (That's a new record for me, I think.)

Other, random news: I didn't have a breakdown over the long Memorial Day weekend, so YAY for that. I rewatched the Alias season two finale; I *hated* it - much! - the first time, but now I'm okay with it. Last Saturday, my e-pal Michele and I chatted, and except for a few minor Messenger issues, we had a lovely time. I'm planning to order a picture from some on-line source because I can't find a single store in town that has it.


May 31, 2003

º²

At the suggestion of the totally awesome Frances I have added a commenting system. I put that off for so long because I dreaded the thought of all those "zero comments" links staring at me. Then I told myself to get over it. (Then myself called me a name, and things *really* got ugly, but I digress. :) I realized that I can always add comments myself ... that's not too pathetic, right? Don't answer that. In other news, as of today my MacGyver fanlisting has fifty members; I plan to celebrate with a new layout - soon!


June 9, 2003

º²

It's ba-ack: yes, I have re-purchased my first domain, www.fannesite.com, for three reasons. The first is that I feared (perhaps irrationally) that someone would purchase it and use it at some obscene site. Second, perhaps now the name of my 'Alias' site makes a little more sense . . . or perhaps not. :shrugs: Third, I just wanted it; it was my first domain and I was feeling nostalgic.

Too bad my other projects aren't as easy as getting that domain back; I've been working on several things for weeks, but still, nothing's ready. Just because I have a bit more free time this summer, that doesn't mean that I want to spend all of it on the computer. Yet it really bothers me when my sites aren't updated for long periods of time, so I feel a bit guilty when I'm not working on them. :shakes head in pity: And, you know, there are probably people who think I'm kidding when I call it my "obsession."


June 11, 2003
» just shoot me

º³

It's occurred to me several times before that I have obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Seriously. I've noticed it before with my websites; I'll be working on an update for a site (I *do* update sometimes, I promise!) and I'll become . . . what's the word . . . desperate to add whatever task I'm involved in. That feeling of urgency has before prompted me to post projects that I'm not satisfied with, so lately I've been trying to keep my desperation in check by reminding myself to "post no design before its time."

My latest obsession is getting a digital camera. I happened upon this site and I thought her photos were excellent. What a great idea it is to make your gallery available for others to use. (Look for a design at rusted-crush that features one of her photos soon.) It would be fabulous to use my own pictures in my sites' layouts - it would be original and there would be no danger of infringing on someone's copyrighted material. Getting a camera would give me something else I've been looking for: a reason to travel this summer. I could drive around looking for photo opportunities.

This latest fixation of mine doesn't have the gotta-have-it-now feeling that the website work tends to get, but it is persistent. I found that site several weeks ago, and I'm still anxious to get a camera and see what I can do. I even have some shots already in mind, if you can believe that.

So, I'm sold on the idea of it, now I'm ready for the tough part - actually doing it. Last Saturday, I was working at an inventory in a store's electronics department, and I casually asked the store employee about digital cameras. At first he tried to sell me (an expensive) one that will print excellent photos; I said that I'd mostly used them digitally, such as on my websites. He seemed to lose most of his interest then and said, "Oh. Then any of them will do." He didn't even ask about my websites - and I was kinda hoping he would. :shrugs: After that, I've put off stopping at some store after work several times. I hate the thought of being totally dependent on what a store person can tell me. Today I searched the Net, hoping for some ideas. I found a camera that might be just what I'm looking for. I haven't shopped around much, but this one looks as good as any of them. It's even less expensive than I thought it would be.

I'm not going to order it today. I plan to stop at the local Best Buy or CompUSA to ask a few questions and see if their price is comparable to the ones on the Web. If I were gutsy, I'd go to several stores and compare the answers I got at each. In reality, I'll probably do good to stop at one - I don't relish the idea of going a round with a pushy salesperson. I can picture the way it'll go: I'll point out the one I'm looking for, and they'll show it to me with a remark like, "Oh, yes, this one's pretty good, but it doesn't have this or that." Then they'll show me a more expensive one and describe it as if it could solve all of the problems in my life. Maybe I should start by asking about a cheaper and let them "up-sell" me the one I'm interested in.

Okay, it must be a sign. I clicked over to diary-x to add this entry (typed in Word so I can save it, should the computer lock up while I'm posting) and one of the Recently Updated diaries was the photoblog, sevendays.diary-x.com.


June 19, 2003

ºº

Man, it is slow and work - and I'm very unproductive, so that's not a good thing. Yes, once again I'm feeling like I've no one else to talk to, so here I am, at the so-called Secret Diary. First: yesterday I wrote to my friend, who thinks the guy that suddenly "broke up" with her - twice - is going to call her again. Now I know how another friend of mine felt when she listened to me hanging on to my ex-loser. I mean, sure there's something to be said for giving it a shot, but when someone exhibits a pattern such as that, it's been my experience that he doesn't change. No, that doesn't mean it's universally true, but I think it's true more often that we care to admit. So far, she hasn't written to me today: I tried to phrase it lightly, because I know how I resented my other friend for telling me what to do. (Even though I later realized that she was right, and she knew what she was talking about because SHE had been through the same thing.) I want to offer her some hope, but I can't when I honestly think that this guy's not being honest with her. I see so much of me and my ex in my friend's situation. Again, I know that every case is different, but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, there's a REALLY good chance that it's a duck.

It's remarkably vain of anyone to think that they can keep treating someone like crap and expect that person to keep taking them back. My ex even now tries to call me once every few months. I hope the next time he calls - and yes, I'm sure there'll be a next time - I check the caller ID first. Then, in the second before I answer, I plan to compose myself enough to set him straight. One of the lines I have rehearsed is "Look. You didn't call me all those times that I wanted you to, so don't call me now!" Another is: "Why do you want to meet me: so you can stand me up again like you did the last time I agreed to meet you?" The thing is, he always seems to call when my guard is down, when I haven't thought about him or his messy baggage in a long time. Yet, I always remember enough to turn him down. Rest assured, I could NEVER forget THAT much! I don't really bear a grudge against him - I mean, I had seen how he was and I was the one who didn't have the guts/brains to turn him loose sooner. Still, I'm truly amazed that he isn't completely ashamed to try to call me. If I remember right, I've turned him down four times - how could he even think that I'd change my mind? No, I'm not trying to be coy and let him pursue me: I really do not want to be with him. Not even for coffee. I tentatively plan to go to the place where he worked - not sure if he works there now or not - and see if I can drop off the few things I have of his. If I'd do that, then it could be when my resolve was strong, instead of being caught unaware when he phoned one day out of the blue. I could give his things back and (hopefully) firmly convey to him that there is zero (less than zero) chance of us getting back together.

From one bad situation to another there is a guy, CH, that I sort of liked from my part-time job? He's young, cute, and usually nice; I know nothing could happen with him, but flirting can be fun. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I was counting magazines beside him at a Books-A-Million. He said, "The worst part of counting magazines is those perfume samples they stick in 'em." I said, lightly, "Oh, I kinda like those, but what do I know?" He replied, "Eh - you don't know anything." John (a guy I briefly dated) was on my other side, and he guffawed at that. I'm sure CH was just teasing, like guys do, put I felt put down - hard. I tried to shake it off. As that evening passed, CH and I spoke several times more about lame work-related stuff; he even sat right beside me when we were on a break, and we chatted about school, etc. Later, I was counting near him again - and other people were around too - a book fell off of a shelf (no doubt due to someone rattling a different part of the shelf as they counted) and CH said, "Anne!" as if I was the one who made it fall, even though I was four feet away from it. Yeah, more of that clever guy humor, I guess. :| But then he said, "See, even the books don't like you." What?! Ouch, again!

So, after that night, needless to say, my fond feelings for him seriously waned. I'm sure I was taking those comments of his too hard, but you can't help how you feel, right? Anyway, last Saturday, I went to a gig and he was there. It was one where we met at the office and rode in the van together, since it was out of town. CH sat on the backseat, talking to his friend Courtney - who is a guy, btw. As we were returning, I overheard them comparing different aspects of smoking pot! :O If I wasn't already crushed from his comments the other day, that would've done it for sure. I suspected that he probably did it, but I sure didn't want to have those suspicions confirmed.

It is insane how much time I'm spending dwelling on that. It's also insane how jealous I get over the other more popular sites. My complaint is that they're never updated and have tons of broken links yet they still remain "Must See's" - I saw a smug comment by one of the webmistresses about how her site was one of the most popular. I'm sure it is, but it's not fair. I update mine frequently, but I guess since it's just average-looking, no one's impressed. That same smug webmiss is now having huge success with her own personal blog, which moves around like no site I've ever seen. At one point, she'd even linked her blog from the main page of her Alias site: hello? If I was a person looking for Alias info, I'd be angry if some person started writing about their personal life - which is pretty much what she did! Am I crazy for thinking that an ALIAS site should have info about ALIAS? I shouldn't have started writing this, because I'm still peeved over how popular that unkempt site remains. I want to post a comment on her personal site, asking when we could expect an actual update at the Alias site. But I'm sure that would just backfire, and people would find out it's me and dislike me even more.

About the message boards, I've pretty much given those up. I did impulsively join one the other day and though one person sent me a private message greeting right away, I felt a bit bad when my posts were largely ignored. Ah, well. Another board bites the dust. It's very possible that I'm too sensitive about that posting business, but again, I can't help how I feel.

Looking at what I've just written, sheesh, it's no wonder people don't visit my site. Who wants to read a bunch of whining? People want to be entertained, and though I hope my site is entertaining, its purpose is for me to express myself. If people like that, fine. If not, that's fine too. I don't know how to be someone else, and why should I? It would be ridiculous to be some false person on your PERSONAL site. Perhaps I could try another persona in a fake blog? It could be like an alter ego - with some aspects of me, but maybe more outspoken. Then again, back to my original point - why? Why should I put so much effort into a piece of fiction? If it's something I don't want people to know what I said, I probably shouldn't say it in the first place. Plus, that would be me trying to be someone else to please people; then it would be even more disappointing when people still didn't like that person.


June 20, 2003

º²

I've posted new layouts at Angelesque and at rusted-crush. I'm very pleased with the one at Angelesque, but I'm undecided on the one at rusted-crush. Half of the time I like it, and the rest of the time that background color hurts my eyes. I welcome any comments about them. (hint! hint!)


June 24, 2003
» when I grow up . . .

º³

I mentioned in an early entry that I've been wanting to get a place of my own; now, that desire has me trying to decide what to do for the next year. I was seriously planning to resign from my full-time job in January, since that will (hopefully) be the start of my last semester of school and it will be extremely busy. However, if I apply for a loan and I have a new job, I probably won't be approved, which means that I'll have to wait another couple of years before I qualify. On the other hand, is it wise to take on such a large debt now? Practically speaking, it makes sense for me to live at home: my family and I are pretty close. I'm not a partier, so it's not like I need my own place for that. With all of the work and stuff that I do, I'm hardly home anyway, so why should I waste money on an apartment just to have a place to sleep?

More and more, I like the idea of building a garage apartment on our land. (Less garage. More apartment.) I don't really need - and can't really afford - a sixty-five thousand dollar home at this point. I just want my own space. I also want a change: we've lived in the same house for almost twenty years.

Okay. So now that I have an idea what I want, I should try to get pre-approved for a loan. That would tell me whether or not I could afford it and whether or not my plan is actually feasible at this point. My goal is to make an appointment this week with a banker.

My, my. Don't I sound like a grown-up? I do try to be - but only until it bores me. :wink:

This week, I plan to get the camera that I've been wanting. I don't have many part-time gigs scheduled for the near future and there's a holiday soon, so I'll have time to mess around with it. I thought of getting a slightly nicer one, but this one is fine to start out with. I'm anxious to go ahead and get it, but at the same time, I dread the hassle of actually purchasing one. There's always the possibility that the one I get won't work, then I have the further hassle of returning it . . . hopefully it'll be okay though. I plan to see what accessories are available to see if any of them would make my life easier.

Sunday, Jerry from my part-time job said that he visited my sites again the day before. :waves to Jerry: He said he likes the color of the new layout at rusted-crush. (Was that sarcasm? I couldn't tell. :) Speaking of the layout, I wrote to tell Elisabeth that I was using one of her photos - just thought she might want to see what it looks like - and she wrote back telling me where I could find her latest ones. They're at a huge photo site; yes, I see me spending lots of time there, looking for inspiration for my latest designs. If my pictures are any good, I'll upload a few of them there . . . but now I'm getting way ahead of myself.

"Photography is a lifestyle -- drawing you deeper and deeper into the depths of our world and beyond. It enhances your awareness for the whole spectrum of the good and bad, and beautiful and ugly in the world." - - seer


June 25, 2003
» "Well blow me down."

º³

I know: two entries in two days . . . what can I say? I'm feeling chatty. *g*

I've been reconsidering my whole get-preapproved plan. I'm still going back and forth on the issue, but I don't know if I'll go through with it. Talking to a banker would be the easy part - the tough part would be finding a plan I liked, then a builder, getting permits, etc. I'm certain the whole process would take longer than the rest of my summer break, then I'd find myself working, trying to build my home, and going to school. And just when would I find time for my websites and my newest hobby, digital photography? I think it would be wiser for me to plan a bit more first, not to mention wait until I finish school. It's just another year; I'm really impatient at this point but I'll just have to get over it.

My e-pal Michele offered some sound advice about the perils of rushing things: "It's like cooking something in the microwave. You're hungry... you want the food *now* but if you took it out when it hasn't been in there long enough, you're going to be stuck with a TV dinner that's still frozen in the middle!" She was talking about rushing a relationship - further details omitted to protect the innocent - but it applies to many other things, such as finding a job and making large purchases. ;)

Speaking of purchases, I've been debating about the camera I want, rationalizing that if I wait a bit I can probably find the one I want on sale. On the other hand, there's no telling when that will be, and I want it now, while I have the time to actually use it. Today I find that Office Max has the camera and "for a limited time" they'll include a free digital memory card. Now THAT is a good deal - I was planning to get one of those cards anyway. I'm going to call to see if that offer is available in the store as well as on-line.

Earlier this week I found out something about someone I thought I knew and didn't particularly care for. It could be that I was jealous and I've always thought of her as being very smug. Then I see that this person is human too, and she's been through some tough times. She even admitted something she considered a weakness, which makes me see her in a whole new light. Maybe she's not so much smug as she is confident, and maybe she needs to feel confident because heck, we all need to have a little faith in ourselves. (That's always a Catch-22: if you're humble, people try to encourage you and tell you how good you are, but if you actually say, "You know, I'm okay," suddenly you're vain and conceited.)

This evening I plan to finish my review of 'Long Day's Journey' and watch the next episode of Angel. Yes, I'm very behind on watching that show; it's only shown on cable where I live. I don't have cable so I'm forced to impose on innocent cable-having bystanders. Happily though, the episodes this season have been well worth the wait. Every time I watch one I gush on and on about how excellent it was. I plan to focus my efforts on finishing those reviews because I want to be caught up before the new season. Plus, I just want to see for myself what happens.


June 29, 2003

º²

If you've been reading my OLJ you know that I've been looking for a new digital camera. I found a good deal on the one I wanted, so I purchased it last week. Here are the pictures I took to test it; so far, I'm pleased. Those pictures were taken on the "good" quality setting; I plan to try the "better" and "best" settings to see how they compare.

Since I didn't have any part-time work this weekend, I spent most of the time catching up on chores/todo's. I went to get the oil changed on my car. I backed up all of my files. I checked to see how much of my allotted disk space is being used at neloo - I thought I was way under the limit, but I wanted to be sure. I also deleted a bunch of useless files that were wasting my server space. I should probably do the same thing at rusted-crush, too, but that'll have to wait.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday, and as is her custom, she is taking the day off from work. She's going to visit a friend in the afternoon, then my mother and I are taking her out to eat in the evening. That's how we say "Happy Birthday": food and a card. Can we party, or what? *g*


June 30, 2003

ºº

Last Friday, Brian told me that a used CD store had a copy of The Cream of Clapton, which I had told him that I was looking for. So, I stopped by the store to get it. However, I guess I didn't check it well enough because it was *really* scratched - the last seven songs won't play at all. GRRR!!!! I plan to take it back this afternoon, but why do I have the feeling that they'll try to give me grief about it? They'll think I just took it to copy it - they'll probably even accuse me of scratching it myself! Man, I hate that. I'd rather pay full price for stuff than to deal with that: GRRR!!!

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