April 2 - May 28, 2004

These entries are from multiple sources. See the footnotes for details.

April 2, 2004 11:18 AM


Whoa - it's April already? This is going to be a very busy month for me, so for this update, I only have time for a . . .

Pit of Random

Two weeks ago a guy at my part-time job suggested that I should live with him. Hmmm, maybe I should've seen his place, before I laughed it off?

I've got to make time to either go shopping or organize my clothes, because I detest every outfit that I'm stuck wearing. I'm even late for work, because I can't decide which outfit I hate the least.

To M, my on-line friend: I really, really, really appreciate you listening to me prattle on (and on and on and on) about my latest project. I *will* eventually change the subject! :hugs:

You know what show I miss? The A-Team. I was thinking this morning how that show was slightly more realistic that some other action shows. Stay with me on this: people sought help from the A-Team, so it makes sense that they found themselves in one adventure after another. On some other shows, the characters just walk down the street and trouble finds them, week after week . . . what's THAT about?

Whenever anyone calls you, claiming that they "just want to verify your information," be suspicious. Be VERY suspicious.

April 7, 2004
» long-haired freaky people need not apply


I'm amazed that it's possible for so many aspects of my life to be uncertain, all at one time. Sigh. This morning I was searching the websites of local companies looking for job opportunites; I'd forgotten how discouraging it is to look for a job. Looking for an entry-level job is even more discouraging when the few that I find listed are not looking for my particular major - or minor.

Finding a new job might not seem so critical if my days at my old job weren't numbered. As the end of April approaches, it becomes even more unclear how much longer I can remain there. My boss hasn't said any more about it lately, but my spider sense is tingling.

Remaining at the current job wouldn't be an issue if I didn't want to be approved for a loan while I'm still employed. And I would be able to apply for the loan if the (expletive) builder would let me know something. Yesterday was *four* weeks since I first met with him, and he has yet to call me one time. When I called him last week, he said he'd have the estimate ready in a few days. No, I didn't believe that, but I was really hoping. I find myself wondering if I should talk to another builder, or if I even have time for that in this point. Granted, this particular situation/frustration is entirely my own doing: yeah, I'm funny like that, going after my dreams. ;)

As if all of this isn't enough, school is absolutely relentless. There is so much to do . . . I don't even know how to finish that sentence. Plus, one of my fellow group members is really starting to irk me: she admits she doesn't know what to do for the project, yet she seems determined to believe that everything I say is wrong. I fight the urge to tell her, "You know, if I WAS wrong, YOU would never know it!"

Happily (except for the job sitch) I can see things starting to come together. It'll take work, but I'm just going to do what I can do and leave it at that.

April 7, 2004 @ 11:50 AM
» dial M for . . .


I'm feeling a bit sad today. Sad and stressed. Sad, stressed and peeved. Sad, stressed, peeved, and bored.

Sounds like PMS, yes? lol.

I'm trying not to dwell on it but somehow I keep returning to focus on how the builder still has not called me back. I feel I should wait for him, but at the same time, I want to try to contact someone else. But then will it take THAT guy over four weeks to get back to me? I don't have that kind of time! Besides the job crunch, I heard yesterday that interest rates are rising. Well, if I missed the good rates, it isn't because I didn't try. It's because I can't beg, plead, or in any way coerce the builder into calling me. If he didn't want the job, why didn't he just tell me that from the start?!

I'll say one thing: I appreciate the people I talk to being so supportive about this. They seem confident that it will happen, and I think that too, most of the time. But when I start to ponder the details, I fret a bit, wondering how . . .

In other stressful news, I was searching on-line for entry level jobs in my field, and the only thing I found that was even close was a summer intern position. (That might be good experience, but then I have to go through the job hunting process all over, so that doesn't sound too tempting.) I signed up with the Career Services office, and today I received a second email from them about a second state Department of Transportation that is conducting interviews. Darn it, I was really hoping that with my next job, I could reduce my 45-minute commute. I wonder if I should look for another admin job, to give me a bit more time to look, but again, that would mean another job hunt in the very near future, if I didn't just get complacent and stay where I am.

School-wise, there's a lot to do, but I have plans to but forth an effort and that will have to be good enough. However, M, in my group, is really starting to peeve me. Although she admits she doesn't know what to do, she seems determined to dismiss everything I say as wrong. She's been like that since the project started last semester, but the way she seemed to take such delight yesterday in saying that my numbers are wrong is REALLY getting under my skin. It's like, you think my numbers are wrong? FINE! Do them over yourself! But see, she can't do that because she needs for someone to hold her hand for every step she takes!!

Happily, as I spoke to the professor yesterday she asked me what everyone else in my group is doing to help on the project. Well, what do you know? The professor DOES actually notice that I'm working on this! I was afraid that she only knew that the work I'm actually assigned to is not getting done. Since I'm handing the other work off to M, the know-it-all-but-not-really, I plan to focus on my own stuff.

I'll see M in class this afternoon, and I'm already seething, imagining the snarky little things she can say. Let's hope I don't politely go off on her . . . that could make the rest of the semester a real strain.

April 13, 2004 @ 01:00 PM
» it's like my quill is broken


Thanks for being here for me, diary-x. I feel bored, restless, whiny, stressed and yet there's no one else I can talk to, because let's face it, most people simply don't want to hear any one person talk for that long. But there you are, letting me ramble and get stuff off my chest before I explode.

Anyway, to start, as mentioned I'm bored and restless. It's especially bad at work. I suppose I could try something crazy like working, but it all just seems pointless and annoying when there's so much other stuff I need to be doing. I even try to do schoolwork at work to no avail.

I'm so busy, I feel overwhelmed with it. I don't know where to start, as it seems I'm not ever able to complete a single project. Oh, there's plenty to do, but there's so much . . . I don't know what should come first. Stressed? You bet your bippy! And it's about to get worse, as everything, and I mean everything falls due in the next few weeks.

Besides all that I have to call my (expletive) builder because he has not seen fit to call me one single time in the FIVE WEEKS since we talked. Un. Be. LIEVABLE. If he didn't have my plans, I think I'd probably just forget him altogether and start from scratch with someone else. If he doesn't have something for me today, I'm pretty sure I'll call someone else right after I talk to him. I know nothing is easy, but does it have to be this hard?!

April 16, 2004 @ 11:56 AM
» How do I get there from here?


Well, I finally heard from the builder. (After I called him for the third time. Yeah.) We met and he gave me the estimate, which is higher than I hoped but sort of what I expected. Now, I'm trying a few banks to see what loan terms/rates are available . . . darn it, I thought I had the bank situation figured out. But will the bank consider the land's worth as part of what I can borrow? (That's stupid: the land is already mine!) Would that put me out of the borrow range? Will they also consider the amount that I can pay down? SURELY they would! I mean, even though the amount he quoted was higher than the estimate of what I could borrow, I can pay enough down so that the loan amount would be within the range of what I could borrow. Groan. Is the only way to know this for sure to actually apply for the loan? Or would they say, "Nope, the quote is too high" and not even let me apply?

The builder is out of town next week, so maybe I'll have a good chance to get this loan business figured out. I also plan to go ahead and order the plans, since that's one thing the lender said they needed.

The construction itself won't bother me (unless it turns out to be way more expensive than quoted) but trying to sort out this loan business, while having the busiest weeks of my entire college career is . .. not fun.

April 17, 2004
» Q & A, B, C, or D


Finally! I can check (a big) something off of my to-do list: this morning - and afternoon - I took the Fundamentals of Engineering exam. "Fundamentals" - that sounds easy enough, right? Well, if it does sound that way, let me assure you that it's not. It covers most of the topics that I was supposed to have been learning all this time at college. (What? They were serious about those?) I've been trying to prepare for this test for the past few weeks, but I realized yesterday about noon that at this point, cramming is pointless. I went to the test expecting the worst, but whaddaya know, I actually answered some of the questions with some degree of certainty. Enough to pass? Maybe. But if I don't pass, and I have to take it again, that'll be in October. Since I'll be done with school by then, I'll have more time to prepare . . . but I really hope I don't have to take it again.

I mentioned the impending test to my Sunday School class last week as a prayer request, and I must say that prayer was answered. I pictured it (i.e. the test) being a disaster, and though I should have prepared better, I was really calm about the whole thing. I just sat and kept working. If you can believe it, I even learned a few things from some of the test questions!

Another milestone: I spoke with the builder about the estimate, and it is directly on the borderline of the estimate that the bank said I could probably, maybe, perhaps, with any luck borrow. I plan to talk to some other banks this week, and try to get one to commit to an amount.

On the job front, my sister called me at work last week to say that a man had left a message about wanting to discuss my resume. So I quickly called him back, thrilled and nervous at this exciting new potential opportunity: then he tells me that the job is in Vicksburg, Mississippi. As you can probably guess from that sentence, I am not in Vicksburg, nor do I plan to be. This is another good thing about my plan to build a house; that's a pretty good reason for not being willing to relocate, in my book.

If anyone's wondering, I *do* plan to update my fan websites again. Soon . . . ish. For the next three weeks, I'll be scrambling to finish my school work, so I can do a little thing called "graduate."

April 27, 2004
» a free agent


Last night, I was at the college with the rest of my group, working on the presentation for the senior design project. Around midnight, someone mentioned what I was working on, but I said something like, "Well, I can't do it that way, because I don't know how." My so-called group leader, sitting at the table behind me said, "What the hell do you mean you don't know how? What have you been doing?" He didn't get in my face, but the contempt in his voice was uncalled for, to say the least. He's been pissy like that all semester, but these past few days, he's been really cold to me. Whatever his problem is, after we turn the paper in later this week, our group will officially be disbanded. Anyway, Melissa defended me by saying that the way I was doing it was the way we had been taught, even though it wasn't what he thought it was.

You might think I'm extremely angry as I write about it. I'm really not. I wasn't angry last night either, just suprised and annoyed that he's got such a big chip on his shoulder. He was like that before the previous presentation too, and that was probably part of what made it so bad. This time, I had already decided that whatever happened, I wasn't going to worry about it.

The presentations were this morning, as you can probably tell from the last minute effort last night. A local engineer was there, asking some tough questions, but thankfully he didn't ask me anything. :sigh of relief: Afterward, the professors raved about the good job we did, but I am not pleased with my part. I was working on it until the last possible second, so I didn't really have a chance to prepare my part of the presentation. I rambled a bit and it was done.

This weekend, besides spending a ridiculous amount of time at school, working on the project, I had a final scheduled Saturday. I phrase it that way because as the test was about to start, the teacher told those of us who were graduating to just put our name and "Graduating Senior" on the test, answer the last question, and leave. The guy next to me whined, "I knew I should've waited to take this class!"

April 28, 2004 @ 10:55 AM
» a free agent


This morning I've been working on updating my email address at various sites that, for whatever reason, think they need it. I'm doing this because my oldest email address is at a site that is discontinuing email service. I can't say this is a complete surprise, but it's a bit annoying. On the other hand, I stopped giving that email out a while ago, and now it mostly receives (tons of) spam, so it's pretty worthless anyway. After I get all my files saved off of it, I'll be kind of glad to see it go.

In other news, at this point much of my school deadlines are behind me. We had our last class on Monday, and yesterday we had our presentation for the senior design project. I have to finish the project paper this week, then I have a final on next Monday, and that's it! Then, graduation will be on the 16th. Wow. It's kind of hard to comprehend that, you know? I've been in school for so long . . . but I'm really glad to be moving on. I plan to keep learning things, but I'm more than ready to move into my field.

On a related subject, I am so bored with work. Maybe complacent is a better word; it's just all so mundane. I can barely even make myself get up in the morning, and I'm repeatedly late. Sigh. I know I need to give them my best, even if I am on the proverbial short bus.

Back to the subject of school, I'm going to miss the people from my class! We've been spending a lot of time together, and they are some fun people. I've spent the most time with a guy named Dennis, and I'm regretting that I didn't record more about that in one of my journals. It started out as pure project work, but now I find myself wishing he'd contact me now that the work is pretty much done, and ask about getting together. You know that since I like him, he's completely wrong for me . .. but if he asked me out, I'd go. Some others were talking about going out (drinking) last night, and I was hoping that he'd invite me. No, I don't need to go, but I surely want to. I decided yesterday that deep down I must've been thinking that I could act inappropriately and blame the beer, even though I am confident I wouldn't have drank much. Maybe that's why people like beer: they think it lets them get away with stuff. But really, if you put yourself into that situation, on the verge of something that you know you shouldn't do, is "Oh, well, I was drunk" really an excuse? Speaking for myself, I know that it's not.

Back to Dennis, I thought that we were doing some mutual flirting, and though I'm embarrassed to admit it, my feelings were a teensy bit hurt that he didn't ask me to go with them. As I said, I know that I should not put myself into a situation like that. Another argument is that they might not have even gone out - maybe they're waiting, and maybe they'll invite me then. ;) A third option is that Dennis, who repeatedly expresses the thought that I'm "a lady" didn't want to "corrupt" me. Well, I flatter myself to think that he *does* relish the thought of corrupting me, but just as I know that I don't need to go out with them, he knows it's best for me to not be there.

Another temptation to join them is that Eddie would be there, and after I said something about going out with them, Eddie declared that they needed to get me drunk. At the risk of sharing too much . . . . um, maybe in a minute. Suffice it to say, that I've always been attracted to Eddie's fine, manly physique, so I don't even have to be drinking to be tempted by him. But . .. what was the point again? Oh! Another strong argument to avoid the scene. Sigh.

I've thought before that it's kind of a drag to be known as such a "good girl." Sure, who doesn't want to be seen as sexy and adventurous? But, I do try to be a good girl - it's just who I am. In later years, I've come to realize that's probably why guys don't ask me out, even if they think I look okay, or whatever. That's more of a blessing than I realized, because if they want a one-night stand or something, they definitely need to look elsewhere.

May 4, 2004 02:45 PM
» Do they, or don't they?


It's a question as old as time itself: how can I tell if someone likes me? While there's no fool-proof way to tell, after you've been around a while, you'll start to pick up on the clues. Until then, I'll list a few of the things that make me think a guy is interested, inspired my recent adventures with a guy from school.

* Whenever one of you enters a room, the other one will invariably look, make eye contact and smile.

* He gives you a soda, claiming that the machine gave him two.

* When you say that you're going to lunch, he asks if you want company. Which, of course, you do. Then he offers to drive.

* He asks questions and shows interest in what you say. (Note: if the guy is not someone you're interested in, this can be annoying.)

* He remembers details that you've mentioned. For example, he'll ask you about your friend chezanne, instead of you having to explain, during a conversation, "You remember: my friend chezanne? I've told you about her four times??"

* You're sick, but he still hangs out with you. He even encourages you that the coughing fits are not that bad, which you know is a bald-faced lie, but it's sweet of him to say.

* When you teasingly threaten to hurt him, after he's playfully picking on you, he remembers. And mentions your threat again later. More than once.

* After he makes a comment that borders on inappropriate, he looks at you first, to get your reaction. But you're already looking at him, intrigued.

* You notice that he's quick to point out, when the topic arises in group conversation, that he does not have a girlfriend. And when he mentions a girl's name to you, he feels compelled to explain her relationship to him, as in "I was telling Michele - that's my sister . . ." And you believe him because he's mentioned her before, and you remember who she is.

* You're working on an overwhelmingly huge project, and with a note of concern, he asks, "How's it going . . . really." He adds the "really" part because you and the group you're with have all been joking about how it'll take a miracle to finish all the stuff you have to do.

That's all I can think of at the moment. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to pick some flowers and listen to sappy love songs now.

May 6, 2004
» getting better


This morning I briefly thought it was Monday, until I recalled that I'd taken off from work sick two days. And yes, I really was sick. I probably could've made it through the day if I had gone to work, because it wasn't that exhausted kind of sick, but I opted to spare them the coughing episodes.

The crud started last Friday. Unfortunately, I had to go to the school both days of the weekend to work on my part of the paper for the senior design project. Brant, my Angry Young Group Leader, wanted us to have our collective stuff ready by Friday, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. To my surprise, he showed up at the lab on Saturday, prompting me to stop chatting with the guy next to me and quietly concentrate on work. Unfortunately, I still wasn't as productive as I needed to be. I finally spoke to Brant asking, "How much is waiting for my work slowing you down?" He was actually nice - well, he acted nice anyway - saying that if I could email him what I'd written so far, he'd have a good idea what to write for the conclusion. No problem. Sunday afternoon, I returned to the school and finished my half-hearted effort. Several people insisted that only a few paragraphs were needed, but I kept recalling how the professors told us that if the work isn't in the final report, they can't give us credit for it. If that's the case, I won't be getting credit for a lot of stuff. Sigh.

Monday, I called in sick to work, but I still had to go to my final at three. The final was worse than I expected, but I only had one major coughing episode, so yay for that. Later at home, I tried to comprehend the fact that I had nothing to work on for school. No homework. No projects. No tests to cram for. Oh, what a feeling.

It occurred to me a few days ago that after graduation, I probably wouldn't see most of the people that were in my classes. In some cases, that will definitely be a blessing. :glares pointedly in Brant's general direction: But in others . . . well, there's one guy that I'd really hate to lose touch with. His name is Dennis, and we have spent a lot of time together, working on the project. I've had classes with him before, but didn't talk to him much; I knew he was cute, but I didn't realize how nice he was. If I'm not mistaken, there was some mutual flirting going on, as we were hanging out. (In fact, he inspired a new section for the dr. love page.) We went out to eat a couple of times, taking a break from work - each paying our own way, of course. This may sound incredibly shallow, but I loved being seen with him. I usually eat alone, so forgive me for noticing the huge difference when I'm joined by a tall, handsome, young man.

I had planned to send him a casual "keep in touch" email after our last final, but I wound up chatting with him right after it was over. As we parted he told me to "take care" and I called back, "See you later." (That wasn't too desperate/clingy/obvious, right? I tried to be friendly and casual . . .) As I left, I felt that I had blown the chance to stay in touch with him. Plus, his "take care" line made me think he was resigned not to see me any more, and that further bummed me out. Later, my optimism returned: I will send him that email, and if he chooses to ignore it, well, at least I'll have tried.

May 7, 2004 @ 11:28 AM
» Get out of my head!


Yesterday I stopped at the school to return a book that I borrowed, and I found the professor in the conference room with another professor. For the dirty-minded, that could sound a bit risque, but believe me, it isn't. I'm sure they were pouring over our senior reports, and I'm ashamed that my group's report was so pathetic. Seriously. The group leader - and I use the term loosely - rushed us to get through with it a few days before it was actually due, and I'm very not pleased with my half-hearted effort. The past few nights, I've dreamed that I'm frantically working on it, only to be reminded that we've already turned it in. Then I'm like, "Well why am I working on it, then? There must be time left!"

After all the time I spent on this thing, I was kind of hoping for an A. Then I realized that because of the lousy report, I'll probably get another B-. Then, I started hoping that I don't get anything lower. I mean, it is pathetic! That whole class has been an enormous waste of time. And I have worked on it, but not nearly like I should have. Most of my efforts were just spinning my wheels. Sigh. That's probably why I keep dreaming about it: I've spent four months fretting, with it hanging over my head, while I work and accomplish nothing. So frustrating.

Then, the last few days that we were working it, the group leader was a real brat to me. I don't know what his problem is, but his attitude didn't exactly make me productive. Then, the day of our last final, one of the other group members seems to have been infected with The Brat's attitude, as that group member, who's normally chatty, didn't say a word to me, as he gathered his books and left the room. I figure he and The Brat were talking about me, and maybe he tried to defend me against TB, but then TB started teasing Other Guy about liking me or something. I hope that's not what happened, but it's far from an impossible scenario.

Plus, I've developed a nasty case of the crud, that won't seem to go away. I can't enjoy my newfound freedom from schoolwork when I can't even swallow without pain. I've had this for about a week, and I'm afraid that it will take medicine from the doctor to clear it up. Sigh. And of course, since it's Friday, it'll be at least Monday before I can see a doctor, if then. I'm really hoping it'll clear up on its own, but it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I'm so disappointed to wake up - after my feverish dreams of the project - only to see that my throat is still on fire.

May 7, 2004
» tick tock?


I'm sorry - did I miss a memo? Has time, in fact, stopped? Because I think I have looked at the clock every minute for the last umpteen, and it doesn't seem to be progressing at the normal rate. Sigh.

So I'm here, updating. :waves: I'm working on a review for one of my sites, and I'm surprised at how little it feels like work. Oh, YEAH, I like to do that sort of thing. :slaps forehead: It just seems like work when the words won't come, and you can't even concentrate on it because you're thinking about the fifty-seven other things that are also demanding your attention. But no more. :sigh of relief:

I hate that I'm so far behind with my fan sites, but what could I do? I think I tried to do too much as it was, because I feel like I only did a half-job on everything I was working on. But, no time to worry about that.

Brief rant: I've noticed that another site (well, a *group*) has borrowed a considerable amount of material from one of my sites. They give me credit, so I'm not sending them a nasty email yet, but DANG! When I gave that loose, very general permission, I should have included, "But don't use my whole freakin' site." Still, as I said, they are giving me credit. Plus, I've used material from other sites (major sites, like the WB and, um, otesquay. :) so I guess I should be a little more understanding, huh.

I heard today that the HR guy, the one who thought he was Supreme Lord Emperor of the Office, the one who left suddenly to take a better position at the time when needed him most, is apparently wanting to come back. Yee-IKES! I don't think the boss is going to let him, and I applaud that. No, no, HR. You had to think about your family's future, you said. This was a good opportunity, you said. BYE BYE, you said.

How about some juicy fantasy trash? I was partnered with this guy from school: he's cute, but got a really bad attitude. So why on earth did I find myself fantasizing about him being all domineering, and stuff? And, more importantly, why on earth would I put up with that crap? I've thought about writing fanfiction about him before, such as he asks me out, trying to get me to fall for him, unbeknownst to me that it's only part of a cruel joke, planned by him and his frat brothers. Since I tend to write happy stuff, with love conquering all, of course he'd be won over by my personality, and fall for me. But do I think that could, in any way, happen? No. Because I'm not the kind of girl he'd let himself fall for. Guys that like me are usually . . . um, well, losers, but they've generally got good hearts. A guy like him, all about flash and partying, would not fall for me, no matter how nice/fun/whatever I am because I don't look like a model. :shrugs: But you know, who's to say *I* would fall for someone with his attitude?

May 13, 2004
» getting better, again


Last week, I wrote that I was getting better, but after I spent the weekend with the same sore throat every evening, I decided to go see the doctor. Thankfully, he was able to see me on Monday. He agreed with my diagnosis that it was a sinus infection, and he prescribed some sort of antibiotic. The "crud" seems to be hanging on, but it is definitely improving: no more sore throat!

In other, way bigger news, I will graduate from college on Sunday. :sits up proudly: Don't even ask me how long I've been going to school; let's just say it's longer than your basic four years and leave it at that. I'm glad I worked my way through it though. I know some people think I should've just taken student loans and gone to school full time, but my family could not have supported me financially. Plus, I like having spending money - I'm funny that way.

I'm trying to decide what to wear to the graduation, and how to wear my hair. The clothes should be reasonably cool, because I have a feeling it'll be more than warm in that gown. I'm not sure I have anything lightweight and neutral-colored, yet dressy enough to wear to the reception afterward. Yes, I think a shopping trip is in order. Last night, I fretted that I would trip as I make my way to the stage, so I'm planning to buy some new shoes. Flats. I figure I'll wear my hair down. How it looks under the cap doesn't concern me as much as how it looks when the cap is off.

Last week also, I wrote that I was debating sending an email to a guy from my classes, saying something to the effect of "I hope we keep in touch." I haven't sent it yet. I'm sure I'll see him at the graduation - our last names start with the same letter so we should be reasonably near each other in line - so I'll see how things go then. I briefly considered giving him the address to one of my websites, but I quickly thought better of it. I'm sure he wouldn't exactly be encouraged to read my drooling ramblings over you-know-who.

May 14, 2004 @ 12:09 PM
» takin' what they're givin'


Well, my case of the crud is on its way out, except for that nasty bit that insists on hanging around in the back of my throat. Gross, I know. How do you think I feel: I'm living it, for Pete's sake.

Earlier, the other guy in the office asked what I was so furiously typing on. What is he, the typing police? Was I breaking the speed limit, or the sound barrier, or something? Hey, I don't ask him what he's working on. .. As you can probably guess, I was up to no good, typing on an Alias recap. To quote Samantha from Bewitched: "Well..."

Other office woes: why did the boss spirit away all of the styrofoam cups? Sure, he may need some at his other office, but why did he leave *one* behind in the cabinet here. Way to share there, boss.

Also, I have GOT to find the check he gave me for "mad money." He gave me that weeks ago, and I have honestly lost track of it. :bites lip nervously: Worst case scenario, I can tell him that I've misplaced it, and he can see that it hasn't been cashed. (That is, I really don't think I cashed it . ..) I'd just hate to have to admit that, since he already, for some unknown reason, thinks I'm a bit of a flake. Am I NOT, btw. Okay, I lost ONE check, in FOUR years. AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW! For the longest, whenever he'd give me something, he'd say, "Don't lose that," as if that was just SUCH a problem, that he HAD to point that out, or something.

Also, the people that owe us money are not sending checks lately, but I hate to tell the boss that, because I get the impression that he doesn't believe me. Why would I lie?! He'll ask if we received any checks, and I'll say no. Then he'll say, "No check from XYZ Corp?" Like I'll suddenly say, "Why, yes! Even though I *just* said there are no checks, there IS a check from them. I didn't realize that by "check" you meant checks from them as well."

Anyway! I graduate on Sunday: I can hardly believe it. After all this time. I also find myself feeling a bit guilty for not having something meaningful to occupy my time. When I was in school, I didn't spend nearly the time I should have on my studies. Hence the B in the project. Truth be known, I don't feel I even deserved that. I knew for sure it wasn't A-quality work. Oh well, it's over now. And I got an A and an A-minus in my other classes, bringing my GPA up to a solid 3.507. :dances: I'm really hoping that I'll get to wear one of the honors ribbons at graduation. I *think* those are given to people who are in the top X percent of the class, and not necessarily to people who are in the honors program, or something. I'm probably getting my hopes up in vain, but hey, I'm in Tau Beta Pi - doesn't that mean that I am indeed in the top X percent of my class??

Tomorrow, I need to go get the oil changed on my car, and the tires rotated. Then I need to go find a good outfit to wear to graduation. Something lightweight. Neutral-colored. With a collar or neckline that doesn't interfere with the look of the graduation gown.

In un-related news, I'm WAY excited about the new movie, Troy. I'm not sure when I'll see it, but I definitely intend to. I hope it has a great opening weekend; it looks really good. Plus, the mere idea of the story repeatedly makes me consider writing fanfic . . . although lately, a lot of things do.

May 17, 2004 @ 12:53 PM
» I left my heart in . . . Troy


I feel compelled to write a few thoughts about the movie, Troy, probably because I love to talk about that movie. Plus, I don't want to forget it. (Note: if you have not seen the movie, and you don't want to know what happens, I suggest you do not read the following.)

Of course there were some bloody war scenes, but I agreed with the guy that wrote that those scenes were not as huge or violent as those in any of the LOTR films, yet Troy was saddled with an R rating. The only reason I can guess for this is that in LOTR it was more fantasy violence, so maybe "they" think that's not as bad as scenes like this, which represent battles between men. Even then, that's a weak distinction.

I'm glad I saw the movie before I read too many reviews. After viewing it, I read that one person wrote that the romance between Achilles and Briseis was kind of tacked on. I didn't think so at all. In fact the scenes between them were among my favorite of the movie. (Though most of the non-war scenes were really good.) I loved how he'd step in to protect her from the men that were supposed to be on his side. Talk about the stuff fantasies are made of: having the strongest, most handsome man around fighting to save you . . . oh, my. I thought that the scene where they, um, get together, was very hot; I admit that I started breathing rather oddly as I watched it, and I hope that I wasn't breathing on the arm of the guy next to me. (If I was, he could probably tell that it was affecting me!) I also loved the morning-after scene, where he sits watching her sleep and you just KNOW that she's gotten to him, so to speak. Guys probably think that was cheesy, but speaking for myself, I'd love to be in her shoes, so-to-speak, just knowing that the guy . . . notices me. Also, seeing her sleeping so soundly, you can just imagine what a night it was - again, I find that very sexy, and I like that they left the details to our imagination.

One scene that really surprised me was when Paris fought Menelaus. Each time he mentioned challenging the man, someone would basically tell him that would be suicide, and he'd declare that he'd die for love. But after his butt's kicked, his jaw's bloodied, and he's about to have his head unceremoniously removed by Menelaus, Paris retreats in a crawl to cling to his brother's feet, and Menelaus booms to Helen, "Is THIS what you left me for?!" I imagine that scene was quite a change for Orlando, who was so heroic and immortal in LOTR. Later, Paris bemoans his cowardice to Helen, who is sewing up a mighty gash on his leg. She encourages that she was married to a "hero" and every day she was with him, she wanted to die.

At the risk of gushing about the eye candy, Eric Bana was also . . . wow. I haven't seen any of his movies before, but I'll see them again, if he's shirtless. Oh, my. And he did a great job with the role, too. During one scene, he's apparently losing his faith, after Achilles and his men raid Apollo's temple and the god does not strike them down. Hector's (Eric's character) father still assures him that the gods will protect him, and Hector has this look that perfectly conveys a sarcastic, "Gee, I feel so much better now."

During the final scene, when the Greeks climb out of the horse, and the final destruction of Troy begins, even though you know what's coming, you wish it wasn't so. As one reviewer said, "The movie never lets us forget that war truly is hell."

May 17, 2004
» times they are a-changin'


Friday, my sister called me at work to say that Melissa (from school) called to say that the members of our design group were getting together for dinner. I called Melissa to say that I'd be there. I arrived right before Eddie - and his girlfriend, Jennifer. She was very pretty, as was to be expected, but she was really nice too. As Eddie, Melissa, and Brant volunteered that their GPAs were near 2.5, Eddie looked at me, expecting me to share mine. I admitted a bit shyly that mine is 3.5, and Jennifer added that's what hers was. She graduated several semesters ago and is already working; hence, she paid for Eddie's meal too, saying lightly that she "always pays."

The rest of the group was joining the Order of the Engineer - which is basically a group to promote unity among engineers - but I missed the deadline in turning in my application. Besides, I already joined Tau Beta Pi, the engineering honor society, so I felt I'd done my duty as a joiner. Melissa invited me to go watch the rest of them join; when she mentioned that Dennis would be there, I agreed to go. I sat with Jennifer who snapped pictures of the guys crossing the stage. After the ceremony, I mostly chatted with Dennis, who introduced me to his mother, father and sister. As people started going their separate ways, Dennis said that he and Melissa were going to see Troy, and he invited me. I've been looking forward to seeing that movie for months, but I wasn't sure when I was going, so I jumped at the chance to see it on opening day. He invited me to ride with him. *smiles* We met Melissa at the theatre and bought the tickets, but we had an hour to kill, so we rode around. Melissa said that someone - she "doesn't remember who", yeah, right - asked if Dennis and I are dating. I really wanted to say with a sly smile, "Not yet." A bit later, Dennis revealed that he is close to getting a job offer, despite earlier saying that he was still looking. Melissa said, "You lied about the job, you lied about Anne . . . " What? Where's THAT coming from? We went back to watch the movie, which was good, btw; don't let the critics tell you otherwise.

Afterwards, Melissa left and Dennis drove me to my car. If I were really flirty, I'd have said something like, "Well, they all think we're dating. Why don't we give them something to talk about?" But I didn't. As I was getting out of his car, he said that we need to go see a movie again. I agreed. I went to my car thinking that was proof that he's interested, and it might be, but it also had shades of the "I'll give you a call," that he left our other classmates with.

On Sunday, I went to graduation. Since we were lined up by colleges, I was two people in line behind Dennis. When he saw me, he asked if I was going to the reception afterward, and I said yes. From the corner of my eye, I saw Melissa watching from the next line. The ceremony was about two and a half hours long, not counting the thirty or so minutes we stood in line and received instructions. Afterward, as the graduates returned to the reception area, my friend Nicholas was waiting by the door. He'd called me the day before to ask the time, and I told him that I realized too late that I didn't send him an invitation. He stood with me as we waited for my family. Dennis still came over to talk to me, but he did glance at Nicholas. I felt like explaining, "He's just a friend," but I think that might have hurt Nicholas' feelings. Dennis said that people were talking about getting together, adding that I could call him later to see what was going on. Hopefully by the way I said, "I'll call you," with Nicholas standing right there, Dennis could tell that he wasn't my boyfriend, or anything. Still, I wondered later if Dennis would even take my call.

Fast forward to several hours later, when I started dialing his number. I reasoned that if he didn't take my call because he thought I was with Nicholas and if he wouldn't give me a chance to explain, I'm better off without him. He answered. We chatted a bit, but he hadn't heard of any, um, social functions. He said he call me later and let me know. I carried on, and, to my delight, he did call. But he said that nothing was really going on, people were just drinking. I said sarcastically, "What a surprise." We agreed that it sucked that nothing else was happening, then there was a long pause, like when you're about to say, "Well, I'll guess I'll let you go." We still chatted a bit longer, and I mustered the nerve to say, hopefully casually, "If you'd like to get together for a movie or something, that'd be cool." He said he'd like to, but he said it would need to be after he got a job, so he'd have money to spend. After another small chat, we said goodbye. I was pleased that he'd called. I realize that the job line may very well be him blowing me off, but then again, it might be true. I'll choose to believe the latter, until I have reason not to. If he is blowing me off, and we don't see each other again, that'll be fine with me; I'll waste no time worrying about something that obviously wasn't meant to be.

Speaking of which, this morning, my boss gave me a six-week notice. He said that after the end of June, he'll have to lay me off. I could tell he hated to have to do that, but I assured him that I understand. I really do. Believe me, this is no surprise, and I kind of relish the thought of taking some time off. I've still got my part-time job, although I haven't worked at all with them for the past four weeks or so, at my own choosing. This job business will probably delay my get-a-house plan, but it probably is better to wait until I'm secure at a new job before I apply for such a loan.

May 18, 2004
» Him


Although I feel a bit silly gushing about Dennis, the guy I sorta, kinda like, I'm going to gush a bit just the same. I've been meaning to write how weeks ago, when we were working on the project, several of us were in that study room where we spent so much time. He was sitting on a table near the front of the room, and I was standing near the door, with my group at the table. I was looking at a copy of some papers Dennis had given me, and I crossed the room to ask him a question. For some reason, I really remember the way he was looking at the others, then he turned his attention to me as I approached. With a smile, he answered the question he knew I'd ask, and made a pooping sound, to indicate where he'd gotten the numbers.

Another memory: he and I were sitting in that same room - I'm telling you, we spent a lot of time there - with another guy, Richard. Richard was joking about how he received a good grade in one class; the teacher's a woman . . . need I say more? Dennis was saying that he got a B, and I think one of them made another suggestive crack. I said something like, "A B? How is that?" And Dennis said, "Wasn't any good," in a tone of acceptance, like, "Oh well, I tried." I *almost* said, flirtily, "Well, I can't imagine that." But that would've been wrong. (I admit, sometimes when they start that "how I got my A" business, it intrigues me greatly, and I get caught up in the moment.)

Yesterday, as I was at the post office, I passed some guy, and my mind started to wander. I daydreamed that Dennis and I were together, and he was expressing concern that I would find someone else, my own age. Of course I encouraged him that he was all I wanted; I'm pretty sure I said, "I love you!" and it just seemed so natural and right. And it felt great. I then feared that I was losing my grip on reality . . . no, that's a bit too grand of a statement, lol. I don't even remember the last time I had such thoughts about someone I know. I wondered if I was setting myself up for something that wouldn't happen. I finally decided that wasn't the case; I'm still a jaded realist. Then I went back to enjoying imagining myself "in love." Later, I was really getting into the sappy love songs on the radio. I heard Tina Turner's "Simply the Best" and I was struck again by what a passionate song that is: I LOVE it.

I wonder though, if he asked me out, would I want to give up my dreams for reality? I'd go, but inside my heart breaks a little, wondering how long it would last before it goes wrong like so many times before. Sure, the thoughts of love are so nice, but real life would have good and bad. I remember that even though we're alike in many ways, he's almost ten years younger than I am. If it's not already a problem, it could turn into one, if we got together, and the differences grew more obvious. And, when I think of us actually getting together, I wonder what he'd possibly see in me, because I am so plain-looking. My hair is so flat, and my head is so big, and square. And I'm the palest person you ever saw, and my nose is the ugliest you ever saw. I'm truly amazed that anyone is ever attracted to me, but that's another ramble, for another time.

Still, I recall our times together, and I think that he was flirting with me. Then I think, "No, you were obviously fooling yourself." The uncertainty can be maddening, but the possibilities are exhilarating.

May 26, 2004 @ 09:05 AM
» boy, have I got mail!


A week or two ago, I counted the number of free email accounts I have. Seventeen! :gasps: I knew it was a lot, but I hadn't bothered to count them before. Apparently, I didn't log in to the one I had at netscape quickly enough, and I lost the 4.5 Megabytes of old emails that I had stored there. It's no tragedy, because I'm pretty sure that I didn't lose anything I didn't have stored elsewhere. (I wasn't so lucky before, so now I try to back up *everything.*) Now that I don't have to worry about those emails, I'll probably just let that account expire.

My two oldest free email accounts are hosted by angelfire.com, and at the beginning of April they announced that they'd soon be discontinuing the email services. I've had those accounts since 2001, and I'll hate to see them go, but I can't complain too much. They ARE free; as they say, "You get what you pay for!" Plus, I don't really use them for anything: one of them gets about 50 spam emails a day, so it's pretty worthless. I'm glad Angelfire gave us plenty of notice, so I could forward, save or print the emails that I needed to.

So, I'll be down to fourteen accounts, not including the ones that are provided by my hosting companies. One of those was set by default so that any email addressed to any address @ my domain dot com was routed to the main mailbox. I didn't realize this at first, so I wondered why my disk space usage was increasing so fast. Finally I checked it, and was amazed to find so much junk. I don't even use that main mailbox for anything! Yesterday I finally figured how to disable that "catch-all" mail feature. It's like this: if you don't use the email address that I post on the site, don't just send something to "contacts" or "info" and think it's going to reach me.

I was trying to decide if I could cancel any of those other free mailboxes, but I guess I'll keep them. Some of them are set up to receive email from various of my websites: I like to keep them separate so I'll know which sites are generating the most email. The down side is that I have to remember to check them all. Plus, it's annoying to remember to check one only to find that I've got zero messages.

May 26, 2004
» the dream is still alive


On Friday, my boss asked how getting a loan is going. I said it was pretty much on hold; I thought that went without saying since he'd given me a six-week notice that he can't keep me on after June. Still, he spoke optimistically, encouraging me to try for the loan. He even said that they could keep me on a few weeks longer than the end of June, if that would help. I very much appreciated him saying that: how great is he? All those times I would get so peeved at him seem so long away. (Of course, he's out of town most of the time these days.)

So now I'm trying to get gung ho about my house-building plans again. The biggest obstacle is that I don't know what to do first to make it happen. It's a tad frustrating when there always seems to be another hoop to jump through. Then again, who said making a dream come true would be easy?

Yesterday, I applied for a job, and - perhaps irrationally - I have a really good feeling about it. It's with the company that I most want to work for, although it's in "project management" rather than in engineering. But the pay and benefits would be great. Plus, if a position opened in engineering, I'd have a really good shot at it, since I'd already be working for them.

The manager at my part-time job called me on Monday, asking if I planned to return to work any time soon. I said that she probably wouldn't believe me, but "call the scheduler" was on my list of things to do. She didn't believe me. In any event, I accepted a few gigs. It'll be nice to have something to do in the evenings. Also, I may need to list them as part of my income when I apply for the home loan, so I should probably make an appearance from time to time, yes?

May 28, 2004
» to have and to hold, to pester and annoy


I left work to go to the bank (to deposit the company's money, BTW) and I returned to find a guy that used to work here, years ago - I'll call him Hank. I went out with him one time years ago, and he still drops by from time to time to ask me out. Oy! He's a very nice guy, but I'd like to know what it is that makes him think we are even a little bit compatible. He's over ten years older than I am, and almost a polar opposite in personality. Ever the transparent one, he observed that I "still" am not wearing a wedding ring, and he asked how that could be, or something equally lame. He asked, as always, if I'm still seeing "that guy" I was seeing. I vaguely said no, then added that I was "kinda seeing someone else, off and on." Yeah, that's not entirely true, but what am I supposed to say? "No, I'm not seeing anyone, but I'm still not going out with you."

After that little conversation he sat in the office almost an hour, telling me in GREAT detail about an incident that happened to him at work. I pride myself on being a good listener, but I think some people take advantage of that. They must be thinking, "Oh, she's listening - she must find all this extraneous detail fascinating!" To make a point, I felt like asking if he'd be amused if I regaled him with a word for word recap of my conversation with the printer repair guy, or something. I'm sure I talk that way too, but I honestly do try to consider my audience and make my story at least a little bit interesting.

I almost posted about his visit on my main website, but he knows about it. I guess I could tactlessly post this there too, but that's just rude. After he left I told the office guy that Hank drops by from time to time to say hi and ask me out. To my great surprise and disgust, the office guy said, "Well, why don't you go out with him?" WHAT?! That question bothered me on many levels. For one thing, hello? Grown woman here! Could I please make up my own mind about who I do and do not date? THANKS! For another, what kind of attitude is that? Just because someone asks me out, I'm supposed to go? Been there, done that, and got the scars to prove it. Office guy went on to say that there were plenty of married couples are together because one was persistent in asking the other. Great: so one of them was pestered into being married: how terribly romantic! (/sarcasm) I politely told office guy that I've set a goal for myself: I'm going to actually LIKE the next guy I go out with.

Which may be a VERY tall order. I find myself seriously over the guy that I wrote about in the previous "entry." I'm sure those feelings would come back if I saw him again, but for now, not so much. I think that comes from thinking he blew me off. I mean, he was flirting (or so I though) and asked me about seeing a movie. But then when I suggested it, he said it would have to wait until he got a job, and he didn't know how long that would be. Looking at it now, I see that was SO a brush-off. Still, I'm glad I brought it up to him, instead of waiting for him to say it, or regretting that I didn't bring it up. And if nothing more comes of it, well, I'm glad to have been able to feel that way about someone, if only for a little while. :) It reminds me how things will be when the guy is the right one, and it strengthens my resolve to not settle.


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