September 1 - September 30, 2003
These entries are from multiple sources. See the footnotes for details.
September 1, 2003
A new layout for this site is in the works. I said a few months ago that I wouldn't get so attached to my layouts, but I've been pretty pleased with the "Summer '03" look. (Well, there's that and I became busy working on just about everything else . . .) I have an idea for a new look, but that rarely works out as planned, so I have to set aside extra time for coming up with a plan B.
In other news, school is underway and I'm already feeling the pressure from my workload for the Senior Design Project. My favorite part of school is attending the lectures, but this Project will be mostly out-of-class work. Sigh. At this point, there's not much we can do, although we have been tasked to "become familiar" with our local building codes. :rollseyes: I have two other classes as well, and thanks to the holiday (today) I've been able to prepare for them - for this week anyway.
September 4, 2003
» just spit it out
My friend called Saturday morning, apparently wanting to talk. He'd been pondering over our previous encounter the day before, and he told me that he wrote in his journal that I was "neither happy nor sad" to see him, and that he felt as if he could've been any visitor to the office. Even though I've realized before that he reads into even the most simple visit, I was a bit exasperated by his mulling over every little move I make. I wanted to ask exactly what reaction he expects from me, then whatever notion makes him think that I would react that way.
Since I'd told him he didn't know me well enough to love me, he asked if I was perhaps angry with myself for not *letting* him get to know me. Once again, I was amazed that he didn't recognize that I'm just not interested. I said, "It's not really a matter of you not knowing me, it's that I've realized that I don't feel the same." He was quiet for a few minutes, and I knew he was taken aback. I apologized for stating it so bluntly, but he said that he was relieved to know.
I figured that would be the end of the phone call, but he kept wanting to talk, like he does. It seems to me that he's trying to convince me to love him. He also asked some hard questions like "Did you ever feel anything for me?" and, the worst, "Is it me?" I said that my feelings have remained steady - as those for a friend. I said that it isn't him, it's me: I've been alone for so long . . . and I'm so jaded that I'm very content to be by myself now. I told him I can't think of anyone that I'd want to be in a relationship with. I added with a little laugh, "Not even Keanu," because he knows about my Keanu obsession. :) He laughed a little too, but he said that it was easier to accept when his ex-girlfriend was leaving him for someone else. He said he can't believe that I don't want anyone. I said that of course I'd like the good, loving relationship that we all dream of, but realistically, I just don't see it possible/feasible at this point.
That's where the trying to convince me to love him comes in: he started spouting over theories about how we choose to love, blah, blah, blah. He even asked if I'd like to still go out, but I replied that I think I'd be uncomfortable, knowing how he feels. Finally he had to go, but he said that he hopes our "conversation" can continue.
I think that's the first time I've ever had to have that sort of talk with a guy. Usually, even after the relationship has gone bad, I just hang on until the guy ends it. Well, I did call my ex and leave him a short voicemail message that I was going to see other people and that I'd see him "around." When I left that message my ex was in the midst of one of his disappearing acts, where I wouldn't see him for months at a time. I was determined to end our destructive pattern of off-again/on-again/not-knowing-where-we stand, so I left the message to give myself some closure.
For that same reason, I needed to set my friend straight: we all deserve closure. I felt bad knowing I'd hurt his feelings, but he needed to know. I guess it makes sense that I'd feel bad: should I feel good for hurting him? Um, no.
I guess what I've learned from all of this is that it's important to let people know how you feel. I shouldn't have continued to see him, when I realized that we didn't feel the same. I can't change the past, but I can remember the lesson and not repeat the mistake next time.
September 5, 2003
» a small world revisited
In the previous entry, I gushed over a certain guy in my classes: I'll call him "Eddie." On Tuesday, I learned that I'll be working in a group with him on the Senior Design Project, which incidentally will be for this semester and the next one. :dances happily: As I was telling my friend Michele, it might be better if I'm not in a group with him, so maybe I can concentrate and get some work done. Yet, there we are, together with three other people. I really felt we'd wind up in the same group - there are only 20 people in the class, so the odds were pretty good.
Wednesday night, our group met and I was so right about him distracting me. He was wearing a muscle-shirt and GOOD GRIEF does he have some nice, tanned, manly-looking arms . . . great, now I'm having trouble remembering my point. :fans self: Oh, yes, so our group met. The others talked and I mostly nodded a bit and tried to look knowledgeable. I think I'm the one who's had the most classes, and I *really* hope that I can retain some of what I was supposed to have learned in them. Anyway, our project involves designing an addition to a school, and we were discussing designs for gyms. I had earlier thought of my old school's gym design, but someone already mentioned the concept, so I just agreed. (I do that quite a bit: yes, I am a major dork!) Then Eddie said the name of my old high school and that it has that design. I was a bit surprised: my old school was far from big or well-known.
As I was driving home, I remembered a kid that lived across the street from me, years ago. He rode the same school bus I did, and he had - to the best of my recollection - the same last name as Eddie. The kid's name was Adam, but I started thinking of the similarities between them. Yesterday, I could not shake the feeling that they are the same person, so I checked my yearbook. Adam's last name was spelled differently than Eddie's, so I breathed a sigh of relief. Until I looked at Adam's picture: oh, that is SO Eddie! :screams in horror:
The bad part of this is that as we rode the bus, that Adam kid would always try to start stuff with me, and he wouldn't heed my instructions to back off. So I'd have to get tough, which wasn't hard since I was much older. I remember thinking - and I may have even said it to him - "Some day, you'll be bigger than I am. But not today!"
Apparently the years have been GOOD to him! After I checked the yearbook and had my suspicions all but confirmed, I felt I was simultaneously in class with him now and back on the bus all those years ago. It was surreal. I felt dirty for thinking less-than-pure thoughts about someone I knew as a brat kid. That led to another equally disturbing thought: is that how men who knew me Now and Then feel? :covers face with hands: I don't care for these new revelations, not even a little bit!
My sister was trying to present logical arguments, such as "Did he have any brothers?" He always got on the bus alone, so any brothers he had would've been much older or much younger than him. I'm ninety percent sure it's him. He's the right age, and he has the same color eyes, and the same nose . . . if I can catch Adam, er, Eddie alone, I'll ask him. I wonder if he remembers me. If he didn't remember me before and I brought it up, he'd probably think, "(expletive), you're OLD!"
In a much more pleasant scenario, I imagine asking him if we rode the same bus years ago, and he replies with a knowing/mischievous smile, "I was wondering when you'd remember." He'd cast a lingering look over my bod and ask, in a sexy tone, "Tell me, when exactly did you get to be so *damn* fine?" Encouraged by that, I'd lean forward and whisper with an appreciative glance at him, "Probably around the time you did."
September 5, 2003
I'm really chatty today - fortunately, I have plenty of places to ramble. :grins: For my first frivolous, pointless topic, the office next door is moving today, and I'm very much enjoying watching the moving men toting furniture by. It makes me feel like nobility, and they're servants, who exist to cater to my every whim . . . I saw Pirates of the Caribbean again the other day, and I found myself getting a bit caught up in the romance part. That's not helped at all by the ultra-fine guy that is in my group at school.
Pointless topic number two is the fact that I need a hair trim, but I've no idea where to go. I hate to go to my same stylist because he always cuts my hair too short and styles in ways that I despise. It's a shame when you pay thirty bucks for cut and style but you can't wait to hurry home before someone sees you. :shudders: But if I go somewhere else, will they be able to cut it like I want it? Or will they have to remove the layers, cut my hair evenly and make it be even shorter than my regular guy would do? It shouldn't be this hard to decide: it's just a freakin' haircut! I'll probably go to my regular guy, and I'll quickly/repeatedly point out that I want at TRIM of about half an inch. I want to grow my hair out a few inches - I should point that out and ask my stylist how I can keep the layers and do that.
Pointless topic number three is actually not-so-pointless to me. Brian, the guy that I was hanging out with, wanted to talk about our relationship last weekend. I finally mustered up the nerve to tell him flat out that I don't feel the same way that he does. After a long pause he said, "Anne . . . ?" Then he paused again and I felt like dirt because I'm sure he was about to cry. Sigh. He finally asked when I started calling him by his initials in my journal. I said that I just do that to protect people's privacy - including my own! Later, I was looking through old journal ramblings and I didn't see anywhere that I'd written his initials, since I usually just call him by another name. That leads me to believe that he must have found THIS secret diary, by snooping on my work computer, and he probably went snooping after I specifically asked him not to read what was on my personal sites. If that's so, SHAME on you, Brian! However, if he read that, he must have seen all the times I spent talking about how I don't feel the same as him. Why on earth would he tell me that he loves me and try to convince me to love him, after reading all of that?
I was put off by him from the start, because he kept showing up - at work and at my classes - and trying to finagle ways for us to be together. If he had just chilled out, I'd have been happy to hang out as friends and see what developed. Heck, I thought that's what we were doing, until he tells me last month that he's wanted to tell me since *November* that he loves me. What?! Not much later, he admitted he was going to try to kiss me; okay, HOW does that classify as hanging out as friends? I admire him for being honest and requesting honesty, but not every moment is appropriate for divulging your innermost feelings. He said himself months earlier that people often resent what they feel they're stuck with, but his clinginess truly did make me feel "stuck" with him and consequently, resentful that he was so blind to my true feelings. I should have been more honest from the start, but I really thought I was, since I repeatedly said that my feelings for him were those of friendship.
More pointless-ness: one of my email accounts is down, so I hope that no one's tried to write me there with anything urgent. This weekend, I hope I'm able to complete my HW for Monday, since the professor will make us work problems on the board. :groan: Then we have to explain why we did what we did, and I can see me looking like a complete boob since the ultra-fine guy is in that class. I was asked to read a problem aloud in class, and that was no problem, since I do okay when I have a script. Also this weekend, I plan to update one or two sites, and change the layout on one using a picture that I took - of myself.
September 10, 2003
» deep down
I changed the colors on this site's template today, because though the pink tones were pretty, they just don't seem like me. I was going for more earth-toned colors . . .
I told my mother that I tried to set my guy friend straight, so he knows that I don't think of him "that way." I think she was a bit worried when I told her how he would follow me around back when we first starting going out. I tried to assure her that I didn't think he meant any harm, it's just his way. At the same time, his constant hovering nearby did seem like a red flag to me at the time: I'd say that's why our relationship was off to a rocky start in my book. If he had just chilled out a bit, who knows where we might be?
Okay, I am changing the subject now - I really do have other things going on in my life. This afternoon for example, I plan to accomplish a bit of website work as well as (hopefully) some work for school. I *love* having a short day at work!
This morning, the annoying HR guy sent me an email to ask me to "see about" getting a corporate discount for our employees for many of our local events. Well sure! And while I'm at it, why don't I see if my college will give me a "corporate discount" on my tuition! [/sarcasm] Harumph. Like I don't know how that'll go: if I can manage to get the discount, he'll get all the credit. That looks like another case where I constantly blow him off citing that I'm "still working on it."
At work lately, one of the bosses returned after an extended absence. Not long ago, I wrote to my on-line friend(s) that I'd be just as glad if she stayed gone, since she can frequently be overbearing/impossible. Oh, she's usually nice, but if it comes down to her hearing my opinion - forget it. She *always* has to have the last word: I think she learned that in some management course. Usually during those little interchanges, I feel that she talks to me as if I'm completely lacking in common sense. Sure, I'm not perfect by any means, but she isn't either, and if I'm in a bad mood, her I'm-always-right attitude makes my blood boil.
Anyway, she's been back for a few afternoons, but she's been pretty quiet. I've also mentioned before to my on-line friends that I'm pretty sure there's Spy Ware on my work computer; seeing the way she's acting really makes me paranoid about that again. Oh, well. I'm not trying to hurt her feelings, I'm just honestly expressing to my friends that her condescencion truly drives me insane. On the other hand, why would she care what I think? I'm just a lowly secretary. :rollseyes:
In better news, there's a guy in my classes that I think is so attractive. I mean, *really* attractive - so much so that I'm ashamed to admit how much time I've spent thinking about him. Looking at him I would describe my feelings as "primal" - and I confess that I actually like knowing that I can have those feelings toward someone. I started rambling about him at one of my other, more public sites, and I fear I may have said too much, sharing a little PG-rated fantasy that I have. (If the bosses do have Spy Ware on my work computer, they're really getting an eyeful.) I was thinking how some guy site-visitor might find that site and be disappointed that I'm lusting after someone else. Then I was thinking how some young girl site-visitor might be disappointed that me, a Christian, would think such a thing. I don't want to disappoint anyone, but I'm not perfect. I've started trying to be more open with my thoughts; that's why I repeatedly request that people not judge me solely based on what I write. For one thing, I write from one point of view and I wouldn't be able to clearly provide all the details of a situation, even if I tried. So if someone read something then thought, "Oh, so that means . . . " whatever, there's a very good chance that the conclusion they've reached is incorrect.
That reminds of a quote: "Do not be ashamed to say what you are not ashamed to think." - - Michel DeMontaigne
September 12, 2003
» signs of life
My sites at www.neloo.com have been down for most of this week: the main site for my hosting company has been down too, so I haven't been able to contact Tech Support. Today, I'm getting a 403 error when I try to visit the hosting company's site, instead of the previous 404 error, so I take that as a sign they're working on it. Hopefully my sites will be back up in a few days. I've already paid for another year of hosting with that company, but when that time is up you can bet that I'll be shopping around for a new one.
In other website news, I plan to change the layout at the MacGyver site tomorrow, in honor of having almost 100 members. I really like the new layout, and I hope others will, too. It features Mac's face - always a good thing - and earth-toned colors, which I think really fit the tone of the show. For the Angel site I have only three episodes left to review before I finish season four. :breathes a sigh of relief: I know that no one is holding their breath, waiting to read my thoughts about the episodes, but I like for the sites to be up-to-date as much as possible. I plan to finish reviewing the previous season before the new one starts on October 1, and I plan to stay on top of the next season a bit better.
It's almost time for the fall television season to begin; I was looking at the Fall Preview issue of TV Guide, but I don't plan to watch any of the new shows. I'm busy enough as it is, plus whatever shows I like usually get taken off the air. Also, if I liked the show very much, I'd feel compelled to make a website for it and that would strain my time even more.
While I was out running errands today, I stopped at the college to apply to graduate. I'm *supposed* to finish in May of 2004 and the folks at the college will check to be sure I've taken what I'm supposed to. I'll be anxiously awaiting a letter from them, although the person I talked to said it would probably be a few months. I have been in college a long time; that's what happens when you go part-time because you work to pay your own way. Having had student loans before, I was determined not to have any more. When I paid back the previous loans, I repaid so much more than I borrowed. I know that's how borrowing works, but I hate it. (Especially when the time and money spent on that junior college hasn't helped my career at all.) That's one of the reasons I took the part-time job - to get out of that debt.
This weekend, I plan to spend part of Saturday doing homework, which you can pretty well assume to be a given for any weekend when I'm in school. I'm really trying to be "good" and work on the schoolwork before I continue with any of my website pursuits. (Still, I do make time for fun too, knowing that I won't spend an entire day doing homework.) I have two part-time gigs to work on Sunday, as I do next weekend and as I did last Sunday.
While I'm working on website layouts, I should probably change the one for this site too, yes? As I write this, the picture is not showing up, since it's hosted at neloo, but I'm confident it will return. I've had this layout up so long, it's almost appropriate again, since the third installment of Lord Of The Rings will air in a few months. I also like this layout because even though the people in the picture aren't too clear, whenever I look at it, I think about Aragorn, and that is a *very* good thing. *smiles* Oh, yes, you can expect this layout to stick around for a little while longer.
September 12, 2003
I'm still chatty. I'm at work with a project I could work on, but I'm in full Friday mode. I'm watching the clock big time. I've got tons of projects I'd like to accomplish for my sites, primarily finishing some episodes review before the show's next season starts. I need to finish the current ep so I can watch the next two and be done. (WOO HOO!) There's plenty of other stuff, plus the added annoyance of wondering when my sites' service will be restored. My host *womps* by the way. They went down like that in February without even notifying us, plus their main site goes down and there's no way to contact them. GRRR!
My mind is racing with all sorts of thoughts: I can't seem to settle on one. Obsessing over the guy in my class, and seriously thinking of writing down the thoughts I'm having about him. Fretting whether I'll be able to accomplish my HW this weekend. I applied to graduate from college today: have I taken all the classes I need?! And can I even retain enough knowledge to make it in my chosen career field?!
I just thought of a corny saying - forgive me: "Life is hard by the yard, but it's a cinch by the inch." Oh, I'm sure we all feel much better now! lol.
There is another thought that I can focus on: how extremely happy I am that I told my friend Brian that I don't think of him "that way." I truly regret putting if off for so long; in this one instance I feel that I've learned much about communication in a relationship. At work this week, he did that little thing he does where he oh-so-politely challenges what I've just said. That burns me up, so much! (No, I don't think he's doing it on purpose - I think it's just his way.) My boss does the same thing and I HATE it! GRRR! Especially when they challenge me and I'M RIGHT! GRRRR again!
In other news, I have a hair appointment with my SOS (Same Old Stylist) for next Friday. I plan to *communicate* clearly that I just want a trim, and I'll ask his advice how I can keep the layers and let my hair grow out a bit.
September 14, 2003
I've been trying to be patient, but my sites at www.neloo.com have been down for almost a week. As of yesterday, I see that the main page is back up but it's - yee-IKES! - an ad for my worthless, run-by-crack-smoking-monkeys host. So, I tried to login and change that right away, because I sure as (expletive) don't want to send them any business whatsoever. Doesn't it figure? It won't let me log in. I'm hoping they're working on restoring my actual site, but that is most likely giving them entirely too much credit. I can't overexpress how much they suck. I have paid for hosting with them for another year, but after that, I am so finding another one.
Aside from that headache, life is actually pretty good. School is progressing at a manageable pace, and I'm really trying to stay on top of my classwork. At my full-time job, my bosses are about to leave and be out of town (out of the country, actually) for about a month. *dances* In happier website news, the new layout is posted at the MacGyver site. I've had the layout ready for over a month, but it still took me four hours yesterday to add the HTML code and change the design on all of the pages.
September 15, 2003
» pity, party of one
I'm pretty down today; it started yesterday or the day before, I'm not sure which. One of the reasons is that I keep getting stuck when trying to do my homework, which means that I can't have it done on time. Consequently, I feel stupid and wonder again why I chose this career. An assignment is due today and it's only half done, so I'll be re-living the events of last Monday when I tried to track down the TA for assistance. Then of course, I was scribbling down some sort of effort for the remaining problems seconds before they were due.
Also yesterday, I thought that my hair looked kinda cute, so I decided to take some pictures. When will I ever learn? I looked SO bad in those pictures: PLEASE tell me that's not what people see! However when picture after picture turns out the same way, I can hardly deny it. I seriously need to start saving money for a nose job. Seriously. :puts bag over head:
My sites at neloo are down, and now, through no fault of my own, I'm getting warnings that my fanlisting (hosted at neloo) is on the troubles list for a broken link. I'm sure other places that have linked to pages at neloo are starting to remove those links. The sites *are* coming back, people! I'm just not sure when; I REALLY hope it'll be soon, like, in the next day or two. It burns me up that my crappy hosting company has turned the main page of my site into an advertisement for their seriously crappy services. They really do suck. At first I reasoned that no place would be perfect, but I've now decided that they are as far from perfect as you can get. Every few months (the last time was in February) their entire network shuts down for about a week without any notice whatsoever. Even their main site goes down, so I can't contact them and ask what's going on. Now their main site is back up but they have yet to respond to the three emails I've sent. If they'd just acknowledge on their site that they're working to restore the other sites, that would be okay. I hate that I've paid for another year of hosting with them: I hope that my sites will actually be up for part of that time. After that, I am finding another host.
I suppose I should calm down about that, since there's nothing more I can do to make them fix it any faster. Depressed sigh. Really that's just another thing to add to my stressed/falling behind feeling. I also feel lonely and rejected . . . it's tough to put into words. It's nothing anyone's done really, it's just everything together.
Wow this is really depressing. I know sitting and wallowing in self-pity doesn't help, but then again, sometimes . . . it might. In any event, I'm at work so I'd better try to put on my poker face.
September 16, 2003
Stress is running rampant in my world - it feels like the universe has ganged up on me in an effort to remove the last bit of sanity that I have left.
For example, one of my domains is down because the hosting company is RUN BY CRACK SMOKING MONKEYS! To add insult to the injury, they've replaced my main page with an add for their farking site. GRRR! It won't let me into their system so I can change it, and emails to their tech support bounce back as undeliverable. I hate that I've paid for another year of hosting with them: I'm about to say screw it and just get another host because it bugs me SO MUCH that the current host sucks . . . I should probably calm down because I'm making myself sick over it and that's not helping one bit.
Also stressing me out is the homework that I just can't seem to do for either of my classes. I follow along with the lectures - I used to be smart, and it's so disheartening now when I can't complete a single assignment. GRRR! I'm about this far ___ away from blowing off the assignment that's due today and just turning in the less than half of it that I have done.
My birthday's in about two weeks - great. So now I'll be even older along with being ugly, lonely, rejected, and worthless.
September 17, 2003
» crushed again
Earlier this evening, I had the misfortune to leave class right after the guy that I have a crush on. I call it "misfortune" because he was walking and talking with a girl from our class, and he was telling her that she could "hang" and he would run and get "it." I know I'm jumping to conclusions, but that just seems like a couple-y thing to do . . . it really hurt my feelings. This comes after the girl told me earlier that she wouldn't be in class tomorrow - she's going to a wedding - and Cal (my crush, that she was talking to) probably wouldn't either. The two of those things together have me all torn up. I'm sure I'll be devastated if he isn't in class tomorrow, but then again, I don't see how I could possibly feel any worse than I did when I was leaving the building today. Plus even if he is in class, that doesn't mean that he isn't going with her.
It's so far beyond crazy for my feelings to be hurt about this. It's *all* in my mind - I can't even talk to the guy, for crying out loud. But even if he's not with her, he's probably with someone else because that's just how my life goes. I only like guys that I can't have.
I thought I had realized and accepted - just from overhearing some things about that guy - that it wouldn't work between us, not that he was offering and not that he has shown the slightest interest in me. I had accepted that . . . I really thought so. I guess it hurts to see that someone else can have what I can't. And it does hurt. It really, really does. Maybe I deserve it for times before when I've hurt guys who've like me...
Crap, now I'm crying again.
It's not even like I had pipe dreams of us riding off into the sunset together; I just think he's really attractive, and it's been such a long time since I've thought of someone that way ...
Part of my silly exaggerated hurt feelings could be simply that I've been having a down/stressed couple of days. One of my domains has been down for a week, and I can't even contact the hosting company because their email is bouncing. It is beyond frustrating, thinking of the visitors I'm losing, not to mention what a big hassle it is.
Also, I can't complete any of the assignments that we have for school . . . I used to think I was at least halfway intelligent, but now I repeatedly feel like the slowest, stupidest person ever to walk the halls of my school. I *hate* to spend time looking at the problems only to get nowhere. The work seems to pile up - I can never get ahead!
A major factor of my downage is taking some pictures of myself over the weekend, only to be reminded that I am as ugly as homemade sin. Oh, sure, I look somewhat okay from face-on in the right light. But from any angle where you can see my bulbous, witch-like nose . . . ugh! Every time I see pictures of it I just want to cover it with my hands so no one has to look at it. Sometimes I forget that it's so bad, but when picture after picture looks the same terrible way, I can hardly deny it.
Plus my birthday is in a few weeks, so I'm getting introspective-y and find myself wondering, "All these years - what have I done?" You know that thought brings me nothing but down.
I'd better stop; I'm getting ready for bed. Diary-x was down earlier, but I'm very glad to see it's back up. Just in time. I was trying to kill time while I'm hiding from my family, and writing about my pain . . . helps a bit.
September 19, 2003
» new layout
As you may have noticed (or maybe not, if you've not been here before) I changed the look of this site. I'm planning to change the look of my personal site tomorrow, and it will be very similar to this one. I know the background color is a little bold, but the paler colors didn't match the graphic too well. If you're interested in the design specifics - such as where the image is from and what fonts I used - check out my site, some time after you see the new design posted there.
In other, much less nice news, my sites at www.neloo.com have been down for almost two weeks and I still can't get anyone at my worthless, (expletive), moronic, (expletive), (expletive) host to reply and tell me what's going on. Every time I see the ad for their services - an ad which is now for some unfathomable reason on the main page of *my* site - I get so angry that I want to switch to another host. Doing so would likely result in the loss of the money I've already paid to the Crack Head Host for another year of hosting, but I get so mad that I don't care. I'd consider it money well spent if I could just get away from their (expletive) service. I could handle the down time if they'd just respond to one of my ten emails and say that they're working on it. Instead, I get silence, which I interpret as, "We don't care about your business, since we've already got your money."
I'd better change the subject before I start typing in all caps.
Our Tuesday-Thursday class received a little break yesterday: we didn't have class because the prof announced that he'd be out of town. That is definitely a blessing because I need some time to catch up on what we've already covered. I've already completed over half of the assignment for my other class, so again hopefully I'll be able to concentrate on catching up.
Tonight I've got an appointment to get my hair trimmed. Then at ten pm (!!) I have a part-time gig. Between those two events, I plan to hang out, goof off a bit, and study. I should've scheduled the haircut for another day, because after a visit to my stylist I only want to go home and wash my hair before anyone sees it. I supposed my stylist hates the way I normally do my hair because he changes it every time. While he's fixing it, I'll catch a glimpse in the mirror and think my hair looks okay - but then, he keeps going, finishing off with a thicker layer of goop. :P It's a good thing I keep a baseball hat in the car, because I may need it to hide my hair for work tonight.
September 20, 2003
New layout - no, I don't try to choose bright/painful colors for the background. It just happens. I experimented with paler colors but they didn't really go with the bright colors in the picture. Ah, well. Comments are, as always, welcomed.
September 24, 2003
» comfortably numb
After a bit of thought and classmate watching I've decided that the guy I have a crush on is not dating the girl from my class. Now, I feel a bit silly for getting so upset over it, but of course, I feel silly anyway every time I find myself thinking about him. Sigh.
On Monday in class, I happened to look at him and although I still think he's attractive, I'm not madly fascinated with him like I was before, when I was distracted just by him being near. I was thinking how I was "comfortably numb" as the song says; I can't decided if I prefer that to pining foolishly for someone I can't/shouldn't have. Hours after thinking of how non-feeling I was for him, I heard that song (Comfortably Numb) on the radio for the first time in a long time and I took it as a sign of ... something.
Yesterday I had the perfect chance to ask him whether he went to my high school - I'm 95% sure we rode the same bus years ago - and I blew it. I kicked myself (not literally) over that all the way home. It really was the perfect chance. We were leaving class, and he was about 10 or 15 steps behind me. When we were outside of the building, there was no one else around and I could've paused a bit and casually asked him. The sun was going down, and I look best in dim light, plus I was wearing a cute shirt, IMHO. Plus we were walking, not awkwardly setting in a room, so that should've made conversation a bit easier. I'm sure I'll have another chance to ask him, but as I said, that was the perfect chance, and I blew it.
Since I usually believe that everything happens for a reason I was trying to figure out why I let that opportunity slip by. Suppose I'd paused to ask him and we'd started talking. Then suppose he asked me out, then we started dating and eventually got married only to find out that we made the wrong decision. See? Good thing I didn't ask him; it seems I really dodged a bullet there . . . is *anyone* buying this?
I think one reason I didn't say anything, is that before class another guy from the class was ogling a girl who walked by. I went to the restroom and starting hating what I saw in the mirror. (I know it's silly to feel rejected because other people are attractive, but I've been feeling REALLY ugly lately.) So, my confident was shot, as it has been for a while. Plus before class I overhead my crush talking to some other people and they were saying some pretty crude things. I think they were talking about women flirting with them, and my crush said, "It's always the ugly ones that" come on strong, or something. I HATE to overhear guys talking because I always learn something I didn't want to know. After he said that I wondered briefly if he thought I was trying to flirt with him and that comment was directed at me . . . yeah, I'm a bit paranoid. I haven't actually spoken a single word directly to him, although for a while our eyes would meet across the room.
Another reason I didn't ask him could be that if it is him and he doesn't already remember me I really don't want to remind him how old I am. If I'm right, and he's who I think he is, I wonder if he remembers me. I don't think I've changed that much, except that I look freakin' old now. :P Every time I think of how we could've been chatting about it last night, I get angry at myself again for missing the chance to ask. Part of me wonders if he does remember me, but is hoping I don't ask him about it . . . isn't this all ridiculous? There's no reason at all for me to be pondering over this subject like this. Next chance I get, I'll just ask him. I somehow doubt that he's concerned over anything I do or don't do.
He's in my group for the senior design project and we're planning to meet tonight. Lately I've been feeling nervous every time I go to class. It's ridiculous: what am I so afraid of? Even now, the thought of the group meeting makes me feel very self-conscious, although everyone in the group is nice. It's only four other people. I can make small talk with maybe two people, but I'm very shy in groups, especially when it comes to expressing an opinion or telling what I know. :shudders: Still, I'm making it a goal to say something soon to my crush and just not be such a dork, starting at the meeting tonight. :crosses fingers:
September 24, 2003 10:52 AM
I've had an idea for this thread for a while; finally, I'm trying it. I'm the type of girl who is very big into writing things down, aka "journaling." However, I often hesitate to write thoughts in my on-line journal for fear of what some people might think. Soooooo, I thought, "Why not write at the MR message board?" It would keep the board active and might even stimulate some interest in it.
Here's the twist: some of the entries will be from my real life, but some will be pure fiction, probably with a slight MR twist.
Sound like fun?
:insert blank look from audience here:
Okay then! Let me think of something for a first entry . . .
September 24, 2003 11:22 AM
» Adventures with Dreamy Guy
There's a boy, I know - he's the one I dream of. He looks into my eyes and takes me to the clouds above. Uh huh. Ooh, I lose control, can't seem to get enough . . . anyway. He's in all of my classes this semester (woo hoo!) but I just can't seem to talk to him. That's right, me, Star of the Moulin Rouge. lol. Turned from Singing Siren into Queen of the D'orks by one incredibly fine guy with god-like shoulders.
By sheer coincidence, I think this same guy is one I knew years ago when I was in high school. He is several years younger, and at first I didn't make the connection that he's the same person, or he could be. When I knew him, he was a brat kid, and now . . . yep, six feet one with god-like shoulders. You can see how I'd be confused.
Last night we were leaving class about the same time and I had the *perfect* chance to ask him about it. See, I haven't actually said anything directly to him - I mentioned the Queen of the D'orks, right? - but that could've been the start of a new era between us. He was several steps behind me, and I could've so easily paused, turned and said oh-so-casually, "Did you ever go to (insert school name here)?" And he could've responded, and we could've started talking. We could've woken up together this morning. Just kidding . . . I think.
Instead, I kept plodding along without looking back, remaining true to my Queen of the D'orks status. So instead of being drawn in by my considerable (?) charms, he's no doubt thinking yet again what a b*tch I am. Sigh.
I suppose I'll have another chance to talk to him but that really was the perfect opportunity. We were walking toward the parking lot, not awkwardly sitting in a classroom, so that could've made conversation a bit easier. The sun was about to set, and I do look the best in dim light. Plus no one else was around, and I was wearing what I think is a *really* cute top. It was the perfect setting, and I blew it. Excuse me while I go back to kicking myself.
September 25, 2003
» "I know who you are."
I'm taking most of this entry from a letter I wrote to a friend of mine. It has been changed slightly for content and to fit this screen. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. *g*
Happily, as of now most of the sites at neloo are back up - after I spent over three hours last night uploading files. I think I must have been sitting wrong while I was doing that because my right hip hurts today. A lot! Anyway, in an effort to warn others about my ex-host, I'm going to send a letter to the Better Business Bureau about them, and I'll post a link to my horror story with them on every site I have. They may have made some money off of me, but I plan to cost them more than that. :rubs hands together gleefully:
In other happy news, my haircut the other day went well. I didn't wimp out and say, "Just a trim." I spoke up - when my stylist asked - and said that I was trying to grow my hair out a bit and would, maybe, like to try longer layers. My stylist responded that it was not a problem. I like the result, too, so YAY for that.
Okay, brace yourself: rambling follows.
On Tuesday night, I happened to be leaving class right before Eddie, my crush/ideal of the perfect physical specimen. As we were going outside, he was about ten or so steps behind me. I kept thinking I should pause a bit and casually ask if he went to our/my old school. (I really think he did!) It was the perfect opportunity: the sun was going down, and dim light is a very good thing. No one else was around, and I had on what I think is a really cute shirt. It would've been so easy to just turn and ask - no big deal, right? But I just kept walking, plodding along without looking back, and the moment passed. I kicked myself over that all the way home. I figured that I'd eventually have another chance, but I couldn't imagine there being a better opportunity.
The next evening, our design project group was meeting. He's in that group, and at one point we wound up alone in the room. For a second, I went back to looking at my book, acting like I was working on homework. Then I recalled that I vowed to myself to take the next opportunity to ask him about the school. So, I looked over and said, "Did you ever go to (School Name)?" He nodded briefly, then said, while looking right at me, "I know who you are." He said, "You live by Joe Johnson, right?" I said, yes, and asked, "And you used to live right across the street." He said yes. Since most of the teachers at the college call me by my first name, he said he wondered about that, then when the group exchanged email addresses, he saw that I'm anne at (Company Name). He said something like, "I was sure that was you. I almost looked it up in one of my annuals." Inside, I gasped because I had I looked him up in *my* annual a few weeks ago. I don't remember the order of the conversation exactly, but he said that he remembered riding the bus with me, to which I said, "Wow - that was such a long time ago." I've always had a real grasp of the obvious. :rollseyes:
Before I could ask when he started going by "Eddie," the rest of the group showed up. Still, thinking of our little chat almost made me grin several times during the meeting. The way he looked when he said, "I know who you are," . . . Gr-OWL! He was sitting on a table, leaning back ever-so-casually and propping himself up with his hands. He said it so confidently: since my little fantasy of what he would say was kind of improbable, the actual way was a pretty close second. I thought that was an interesting way to phrase it, instead of simply saying, "I remember you." Anyway, I was so thrilled that he remembered me: I may look a bit older, but still am somewhat recognizable. WOO HOO! I told him, "I would never have recognized you if you hadn't mentioned (School Name) the other day."
Eventually though, the subject changed - the meetings are *really* informal, just five students who get together - to the huge social event this weekend, where lots of different types of bands get together. Brant mentioned one of the bands and Eddie asked if Brant would be there Saturday night because "we" might drop by. Uh oh. "We." Eddie started to say that if he wasn't too drunk to drive, and at that point, Brant interrupted saying, "Jennifer would." Oh. "Jennifer." Surprisingly, it only hurt a teensy little bit for a split second to know he has someone. I had one good conversation, which is more than enough for now. And he "knows who I am." *beams* I felt really empowered on the way home last night. I think I'm still on a crush high, even though I've learned he has a girlfriend. At least now I know where I stand, and maybe I can calm down and not be such a dork around him.
A week ago, as we were leaving class I had seen him talking to a girl from our class; they looked so couple-y, I figured they were together, and that *really* hurt my feelings. Yes, I know that's extremely crazy, since I could barely even talk to the guy, but I still felt rejected. I even cried about it, then I later realized he isn't with her. Maybe that's why learning that he does have someone didn't hurt so badly: I guess those tears I cried the other day helped wash him from my heart. (Nice phrasing, yes? I got that from a country song. *grins*)
September 25, 2003
I have moved www.neloo.com to a new host, but as I write this, sometimes the sites work and sometimes they don't. Hopefully this is just due to my domain name adjusting itself to a new host. (The files are there.) If you try to visit one of those sites and repeatedly find them down, please let me know.
September 25, 2003
Happily, I'm feeling much better today, not nearly so whiny as in the previous entry. :rollseyes: I'm feeling really empowered. (I hope that feeling lasts!)
It could be due to the fact that I've got my homework done already - except for one tiny number. It could be that my sites are back up, even though I switched to a new host and no doubt lost the money I'd already paid to the previous crackheads hosting company. It could be that I finally got the nerve to talk to the ultra-fine guy in my classes; even though I overheard that he has a girlfriend, our conversation went better than I could have hoped, and that pleases me very much. (He wants me. I'm sure of it. LOL.)
For my birthday, I'm planning to go shopping and treat myself. I've been looking for a really tiny (read "spy type") camera, and I think I found one for about sixty bucks at Best Buy. Cool. I'm not quite sure it'll work with my computer, but I'm going to look into it. I also plan to get a few CD's because there are several songs out that I really, really like: primarily 'Unwell' by Matchbox 20, and 'The Remedy' by Jason Mraz. Awesome. I also plan to find some new clothes if I have to - gasp! - pay full price. I do love to find things on sale, but I hate most of what's in my closet. I don't wear makeup much since it aggravates my eyes, so I need to at least have somewhat decent looking clothes.
September 30, 2003 02:23 PM
» Adventures with Dreamy Guy, Part Two
The day after I missed The Perfect Chance, my Design Project Group was meeting and - you guessed it - Dreamy Guy is in that group. I was the first in the room, so I sat doing homework while I waited. Finally DG came in with Melissa. Melissa is easy to talk to, so I said hey and to avoid being (any more) rude, I made a waving gesture and glanced at DG as well. He asked what was going on; I managed to briefly mention the schoolwork. He asked what I thought of the test we had earlier that day. I actually thought it was a very straightforward test, but I could tell from his tone that he didn't do so well. So I said, "Oh, MAN ... !" in a way that hopefully implied the test was so bad I don't even know what else to say.
Since it was about the time that we had agreed to meet, Melissa stepped to the computer lab next door to check her email, to see if the other two had canceled. So, yep, there I was alone in the room with DG. For a second, I went back to looking at my book, acting like I was working on homework. Then I recalled that I vowed to myself to take the next opportunity to ask him about the school. So, I looked over and said, "Did you ever go to (School Name)?" He nodded briefly, then said, while looking right at me, "I know who you are." He said, "You live by Joe Johnson, right?" I said, yes, and asked, "And you used to live right across the street." He said yes. Since most of the teachers at the college call me by my first name, he said he wondered about that, then when the group exchanged email addresses, he saw that I'm (chezanne at moulin-rouge-board). He said something like, "I was sure that was you - I almost looked it up in one of my yearbooks." Inside, I gasped in shock, because I had looked for him in my yearbook a few weeks ago.
Before I could ask anything else, the rest of the group showed up. Still, thinking of our little chat almost made me grin several times during the meeting. The way he looked when he said, "I know who you are" . . . Gr-OWL! He looked SO confident, and he was looking right into my eyes. I thought that was an interesting way to phrase it, instead of saying that he remembered me. Anyway, I was so thrilled that he remembered me: I may look a bit older, but still am somewhat recognizable. WOO HOO! I told him, "I would never have recognized you if you hadn't mentioned (School Name) the other day."
Now the less-good part; Alex, this is for you.
Eventually though, the subject changed - the meetings are *really* informal, just five students who get together - to the huge social event this weekend, where lots of different types of bands get together. Brant mentioned one of the bands and DG asked if Brant would be there Saturday night because "we" might drop by. Uh oh. "We." DG started to say that if he "wasn't too drunk to drive," and at that point, Brant interrupted saying, "Jennifer would." Oh. "Jennifer."
Surprisingly, it only hurt a teensy little bit for a split second to know he has someone. I had one good conversation, which is more than I ever expected. And he "knows who I am." *beams* I felt really empowered on the way home last night. I think I'm still on a crush high, even though I've learned he has a girlfriend. At least now I know where I stand, and maybe I can calm down and not be such a D'ork around him.
Can someone tell me why the board censors the word d-o-r-k?
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