October 3 - December 29, 2003

These entries are from multiple sources. See the footnotes for details.


October 3, 2003
» Shopping. What a trip.

¹º

Well, I'm bored with the layout colors again, but I'm too lazy to change it. (Sorry had to get that bit of frivolity out of the way.)

To keep some Signs of Life at this site, I thought I'd give an update to the previous post. At the meeting the evening after I wrote the previous post, I wound up alone in the room with my crush! I was going to silently pretend to do homework, but I bit the bullet and asked him if he went to my old school. He nodded a bit and said, "I know who you are." The way he looked right at me and said that so confidently . . . my, my, my. We chatted briefly about it.

However, later in that meeting (a very informal meeting in which five students get together) I learned that he has a girlfriend. Ah, well. I can't really say that I'm surprised, since that is SO the way my life goes. Still, just knowing he remembered me, I was on a crush high for several days. It's all good. *beams*

Anyway. My birthday was Wednesday, and I was really lazy so I didn't look too hard during my annual shopping trip. My family took me out to eat, and that was about it. On a whim, I stopped at a store last night and tried on about ten things. I bought four of them. I keep looking for long neutral-colored skirts. You'd think that would be easy to find, right? Well, I *can* find them: the challenge is finding one that looks good on me and doesn't cost a bajillion dollars. Sigh.

I've also been lazy where school work has been concerned for the last two days. Thank goodness yesterday was part of our "fall break." We have a test on Tuesday . . . hopefully I'll be ready for it.


October 3, 2003
» Baby got . . . D'OH!

º³

So, what's a girl to do when yet another boring birthday passes AND she finds out that once again her dream man has a girlfriend? Go shopping, of course!

A few weeks ago, I found the cutest pair of shoes at Wal-Mart for $3. Yep: three bucks! And yep, Wal-Mart. I'm just not interested in expensive designer shoes: give me something that looks cute and is cheap enough to be disposable. ;) The only bad thing about these shoes is that they look better with slacks and I usually wear skirts. So, the search continues for inexpensive, wearable shoes that don't look like something a senior citizen would wear. I'm not having the best of luck, and things are getting desperate, since I keep wearing my summer shoes for lack of anything better. I can't hide the fact that I'm often, well, um, "quirky" but I'd at least like to have normal-looking footwear.

On Tuesday, I met with my senior design group again and I didn't say a word during the entire meeting. It's possible the others don't think anything about it, but looking back, I felt pretty awkward. Do they think I'm a snob, or that I'm trying to put all of the work off on them? I'm not either - I'm just shy, and I *truly* draw a blank when I try to be conversational: forget about trying to express my thoughts about an actual topic, such as our project. Believe me, when the work needs to be done, I'll be there for them. Sigh. I should probably speak up and say . . . something . . . soon.

I've been having an awkward week. On Monday, I was asked to go to the board to work one of the test problems as we were reviewing the test. The way the board is, I had to squeeze between a guy already at the board and a long table. I finished writing my problem, but the guy I squeezed past was still there, squatting down to write the last of his problem at the bottom of the board. As I tried to squeeze past again, I bumped him with my, er ... um, posterior, and he lost his balance a bit. D'OH!! Sorry, Andrew! He sits next to me, and I almost apologized again after class, adding with a laugh that I must have misjudged the dimensions of my backside. *blushes*

Another awkward moment: on Tuesday, when it was almost time for my second class, I went to get some water. Who should come around the corner by the water fountain? Yep, Eddie. At that moment, I started back to the study area for my books, so we were walking side by side. He looked over and said, "What's going on?" I swallowed the rest of my water (D'OH!!) and said, without looking directly at him, "Not much. What's going on with you?" I think he said, "not much," then the rest of our brief walk to the room was pretty silent.

After that I picked over everything I regretted about that encounter: did I look distracted, like I didn't care to talk to him? Did I look even remotely attractive? Was my hair right? I know that we're our own worst critics, but lately I'm struck by how rude my silence must look to people that I'm around. I do try to think of something to say: my mind races but I can't think of a single non-dorky thing. Like I said, I tend to be "quirky" and maybe subconsciously I'd rather be perceived as snobbish than goofy. Sigh.

Tomorrow morning, I'm going to a part-time gig where we leave the office at 4:15 am (!!) to inventory a grocery store out of town. Just knowing I have to get up so early on a Saturday has been bringing me down every time I thought of it this week. The store will probably/hopefully only take about three hours, but with two hours of travel one way, we'll probably be gone about eight hours total. (Yes, I know that three plus four is seven: I'm rounding up because there are *always* unforseen delays.) Then, even though I'll have the afternoon free, after all that hassle I'll probably be lazy and won't want to study. Sigh again.


October 4, 2003

º²

Since things are getting a bit busier, I'll probably be writing mostly at the on-line journal for a while. It's easier to post there, and there's more space for me to ramble. *g* However, if you're looking for facts and stats about me, check out the links at the right. If you're really bored, the about me page has links to even more (useless) info.


October 9, 2003
» longing for the sounds of silence

º³

I feel like I've been going non-stop for the last two days. On Tuesday, there was work, of course. I had a test that evening, but I was lazy last weekend so I didn't prepare for it. Thank heaven I was alone at the office that day so I could study like crazy. I really felt I was getting the material too - until I saw the test. I'm not too worried about it; I'm hoping for *generous* partial credit, since every student was still taking the test twenty minutes after class was supposed to end.

Yesterday, I had a short day at work, but I was again working at the last minute to complete the homework assignment. (I wasn't exactly alone at work, but I worked around that.) Before class I stopped to check my answers with the teacher's assistant, who as it turned out was leading the class since the professor was sick. Since she knew I had the homework, she had asked if I'd work one of the problems on the board, which is how we go over the homework. Sure. We watched a video on engineering ethics - which completely turned my life around :rollseyes: - and got out of class a bit early. I went for lunch, then went back to school to wait two and a half hours for our senior design project group meeting. While waiting, I experimented at drawing in AutoCAD, which we'll have to do for our senior design project.

While I was in the computer lab, a guy that I've seen before came in. For some reason, he always tries to strike up a conversation with me, to the point where it's mildly annoying. He asks, "Are you still working? How much longer do you have in school? Do you work on the weekends? What do you do on the weekends? Do you like to cook? What kind of news interests you?" He didn't ask them all in a row, but he asked them all - and more! - in the span of maybe fifteen minutes. I would think that by the way I only respond briefly, he would get that I'm not interested in chatting, but that is not the case. He even asked, "Are you always so quiet?" Yes, always. He's asked before what I do on weekends; ladies, take note: that is a way that guys will try to work into asking you out. (If you say, "I like to go to the movies/hiking/whatever," then they can respond, "I was thinking of checking out that new movie/hiking trail/whatever. Maybe we could go . . .?") I know this, so I curtly respond that I spend my weekends doing homework. Finally I excused myself to go meet with my group.

Before class, Eddie had spoken to me in the hall, asking how I did on the test on Tuesday. After class, I wrote about it in my "off-line" journal, noting that the guy in the next booth was probably watching me smile as I wrote about talking to Eddie. However, at the group meeting . . . no smiling. It wasn't that bad, but I overheard Eddie saying how he flirts with other girls in front of his girlfriend - btw, how rude! - and she knows better than to make a fuss about it. Also, he was saying that he isn't going to get married, and if his girlfriend started talking about it, she "knows" he'd be out of there. My friend Michele told me several weeks ago, "Maybe if he does have a girlfriend, you'll hear something about him that makes you SO glad you're not together." I think I'm there! I'm not devastated or anything, since I already knew part of what I overheard (i.e. that he's a major partier). I guess I'm just a little disappointed, and I probably don't even have a right to be, since I'm comparing him to the person I wanted him to be.

Anyway, our group met for over two hours, and I was starting to get nervous since I had to go to an inventory at eight. I was trying to think of a way to excuse myself, because I didn't reallly want to tell those college kids that I'm going to my second job. No excuse was needed because about seven thirty, we parted ways, planning to meet again on Sunday evening. I hurried over to the mall to, um, change clothes in my car, grab a bite to eat and hurry to the Bath and Body Works. I was there until about twelve thirty.

Last weekend, I pulled out my old journals. It's been a while since I dusted them off and organized them . . . okay, I admit that I wanted to read about Eddie as a kid. I read the first one and was so amused by what I read. (Maybe I'll type up some of those memories one day.) However, I noticed a disturbing pattern: how I spent page after page bemoaning that I couldn't talk to the guy I had a crush on. That really struck me, since I had JUST done the same thing a week or two ago. I was almost ashamed that after all these years I'm still basically the same shy dork. I told myself to cut that out and pronto: talk to the guy or don't but for Pete's sake, don't sit and whine about what you should or should not have done. Learn from it and move on, or for short, "Put up or shut up!" I've thought of that several times this week - seeing that pattern was definitely a revelation for me - and I'd say the effort is going well. I'm still quiet, I just don't regret it. *g*


October 10, 2003

ºº

Well, birthday shopping didn't go quite as I planned; after work I found that my tire looked flat, so I had to spend time getting it checked. That really took the wind out of my sails (pun intended) and I didn't look at many stores. I did go the next day and found a few things, but not exactly what I was looking for.

In other news, things are busy so I'm giving myself a break and only doing minimal work on the sites. I keep thinking of new domains that I want, then I scold myself saying that I should wait. I really don't need any more, and I'm certainly not planning to open any new sites, unless the-fl approves the fanlisting that I applied for months ago. I asked for volunteers to review episodes for one of the fan sites (and I think I'll do the same at the other) but so far, someone's only sent a summary of what happened. Darn it - the ep recap is the easy part. Plus, if I have to write the review, I don't want to read what's happened in the ep beforehand. Ah, well, I really do appreciate any help. Maybe someone will offer their help at the other site, because I find myself with nothing to say about Alias.

In real-life, I find myself disenchanted with the guy I had a crush on. I overheard him talking to another guy, which usually does not bode well. I heard him saying that he flirts with other girls in front of his girlfriend. Maybe I'm exaggerating the situation, but that makes me a bit angry, picturing him running around like a dog, showing blatant disrespect for his girlfriend. I knew he was sort of a "bad boy" but I thought he was basically goodhearted. He might still be - as I said, I could be exaggerating it. :shrugs:


October 15, 2003
» men and other myths

¹º

This morning, the deejays (on the radio, of course) were talking about a recent survey that said about sixty-six percent of the men surveyed said that they go for intelligence more than looks when looking for a long term relationship. The lady deejay didn't believe it; she thinks that the men just gave the answer they knew women wanted to hear. I agree with her FULLY. How many times do you see a man - good-looking or not - with a woman who looks nice? Uh huh. And how many times do you see a man with a woman who is just TOTALLY unattractive. That's what I thought - same here.

That lady deejay is single, like I am, and we KNOW that unless you have the right "look" it doesn't matter how nice, funny, smart, witty, WHATEVER you are. Am I right, or am I right? I'm an engineering student, for Pete's sake, and some might think that means I'm smart. (They obviously haven't seen my grades, but that's not the point!) I truly believe that at least two of my exes were threatened by my perceived intelligence, as if my being booksmart - and not even too much of that! - made them somehow inferior. I *know* they didn't get that from me, because I always say that no one is stupid, people are smart about different things. So what if you can't do calculus? If you know about music or sports or working on cars or whatever, you're obviously not stupid.

I really think that the guys that ask me out, especially the more recent ones, do so only because they think I'm a "safe" girl to go out with. My last ex-boyfriend had just come out of a long, painful relationship ... now that I think about it, so did the guy I most recently dated. Oh, and the most recent one even said something about my eyes being one of his favorite things about me; he had read in my on-line journal that I think my eyes are my best feature. I know he didn't mean to, but that hurt my feelings. I mean, that's what you say to someone when there's just nothing else you can say nice about them: "you have nice eyes." OUCH!

I think I look okay - in the right light, on a good day - but by no means would I call myself pretty. Guys don't look at me and immediately start hitting on me, or anything like that. All of the guys that have asked me out have known me for a while. Or so they thought. My point is that unless you're at least somewhat good-looking, most guys won't bother to take the time to get to know you. The guys who asked me out were all guys I worked with. We were together not because they sought me out to get to know me better, but because work put us together and they must have thought, "Hey, she's not SO bad."

Just yesterday I was reading a guy's weblog where he was at a bar and bragged that he could get the phone number of a "bosom blessed young lady" that he saw at a nearby table. He was critiqueing everything about this girl, talking about how she'd obviously gained the freshman fifteen in college - "when her chest got big" :rollseyes: - and lost it. He also saw crow's feet around her eyes that she was trying to hide with makeup . . . his little speech was just another disturbing view into the male mind. I thought this guy was better than that, but I was wrong. It's not just him either, every guy conversation that I overhear - and believe me, I do try not to overhear! - has them discussing some girl's looks. At no point do they say, "She's *really* smart - I'd love to get me some of that!"

Did I mention that this survey the deejays had was found on an on-line dating service? The lady deejay recognized that service is obviously looking for some more women to join, so it's telling what they think women want to hear. I think any woman who's been out in the world knows a crock of poo when she hears it.


October 17, 2003
» recipient of dweeb mockery

º³

When I arrived home yesterday I found that the letter that I mailed to my former website hosting company to cancel my services with them was returned.(!!) The message said that they moved and left no forwarding address. That makes me angry on SO many levels. I know what they're trying to do: they're trying to make it so I can't send them a notice "in writing" to cancel my services, then later they'll try to charge me for hosting again, claiming that they never received anything from me. With you all as my witnesses, that will NOT happen! I even emailed them before I mailed the letter: I wrote that I am mailing the notice also to the address on their site and if that is not the correct address then they should provide one. I heard nothing from them, so I mailed it and, as mentioned, it was returned. Un. Be. LIEVABLE!! It's even more unbelievable that they are still on the Internet, pretending to be doing business! The phone numbers and fax number that they previously had have been disconnected, too; I feel very sorry for anyone who signs up with them. I'm posting warnings about them on every site I have. I'm also documenting my efforts to contact them: if they try to charge me again . . . oh, it'll get ugly. You *can't* hide forever, Infi-CRACK.

While I'm griping, there is a telemarketer named Jeremy that's called work every day for the past two weeks. The first day he called he asked for the boss, and I told him honestly that the boss is out of town all week. Jeremy proceeded to call every day and ask the same exact thing each time. One day he called in the morning, and we had the same conversation that we've had at least four times at the point where I tell him that the boss is out of town all week. I left at noon that day, but the following day I found that someone else took a message from Jeremy that same afternoon! The most aggravating thing about this guy is not that he's persistent: I figure that telemarketers are lied to a lot, so they probably don't believe the excuses that most people give. However, there's no need for him to be so blinkin' sarcastic. GRRR! The first time I said that the boss was out of town, I asked if I could take a message, and Jeremy asked if the boss had voicemail. Since we have one group voicemail, not the individual ones that some companies have, I said, "Not really . . ." He said, "Oh? He has a fake one then??" I couldn't believe he'd be so catty; I felt like calling him on it, but I didn't. Since then he's said something like that at least two other times; I'm trying not to sink to his level, but I think I'm getting there a little more each day. I'm at the point of listing things I want to say or do to this guy: my options range from talking to him pretending that I'm my boss to blowing a whistle in his ear.

In happier news, last night, Eddie - you can read more about him in previous entries - said something about not really having any classes with me before. (He'd been saying how he knew the other members in our group pretty well.) Another guy said, "I'll tell you one thing: you have to watch her." Eddie sarcastically agreed that I never shut up. For those who don't know, they are kidding beyond kidding because I'm usually very quiet. Eddie knew me many years ago and he told the others, "She's actually got a bigger mouth than I do. If you can believe that." I said, "That is SO not true . . . " Just about everyone was talking at the same time, so I don't remember what the others said, but Eddie said, "Look, her face is turning red - she knows I'm right!" Of course, then I blushed even more, and I said, "It's the fever . . . " Even though my sinuses are acting up, I don't think that the others bought it.

I was thrilled that he spoke to me - yes I am the saddest person ever :grin: - but I was surprised he'd make such a claim. For one thing he's ALWAYS talking. For another, sure I was chatty years ago when I knew him: we rode the same school bus and I was/am several years older than he and most of the other people on the bus. So, of course, I'll be a bit more bold in a situation like that.

If you're wondering about the subject line, it's from a quote that was on the old Bill and Ted (of Excellent Adventure fame) cartoon. I found that yesterday while surfing at billandted.org - I liked the quote and I decided it applies to this entry . . . somewhat.


October 17, 2003 11:39 AM
» Public Service Announcement

¹¹

As you may (or may not) know I have several websites. It's an interesting hobby and I highly recommend it. What I DO NOT recommend is my former hosting company, that is so bad it seriously should be a crime.

You can read about their nightmarish service here:
http://www.rusted-crush.com/service/crackhost.html

I mailed a letter to them to cancel my services, and I was so happy to be free from them.

However, when I arrived home yesterday I found that the letter that I mailed was returned. Get this: the message said that they moved and left no forwarding address.

I know what they're trying to do: they're trying to make it so I can't send them a notice "in writing" to cancel my services. Then later they'll try to charge me for hosting again, claiming that they never received anything from me. With you all as my witnesses, that will NOT happen! I even emailed them before I mailed the letter and wrote that I am sending the notice also to the address on their site and if that is not the correct address then they should provide one. I heard nothing from them, so I mailed it and, as mentioned, it was returned. Un. Be. LIEVABLE!! It's even more unbelievable that they are still on the Internet, pretending to be doing business! The phone numbers and fax number that they previously had have been disconnected, too; I feel very sorry for anyone who signs up with them. I'm posting warnings about them on every site I have. I'm also documenting my efforts to contact them: if they try to charge me again . . . oh, it'll get ugly. You *can't* hide forever!


October 20, 2003

ºº

The HR guy is a whiny little tattletale! This morning the boss ambushed me saying oh-so-politely that I need to support HR just like I do him. PLUS, the boss will likely be moving to DC at the end of the year, leaving me and HR alone in the office. I said that I'd stay here until I graduate from school, but I honestly don't know if I'll make it. The boss was bragging on how reliable and knowledgeable HR guy is; it burns me up that although I've worked here for four years, the bosses still treat me as if I know absolutely nothing. Seriously. I know I didn't have secretarial experience when I took this job, but it's not THAT complicated! And as I said, I've worked here for four years - if I don't know these things by now, I'll never know them. I wish I knew what it was that makes them view me as so incompetent.

"She's not supporting me! WAH!" What he means is that I don't kiss his butt and jump over every little POS thing he tries to give me to do. "Oh, HR GUY is SO smart and dependable." Yeah, and I'm just the dumb secretary. Screw that! I find HR GUY to be a pompous, two-faced know-it-all. I don't care what they say: he isn't my boss. He's CERTAINLY not my superior, on any level. "We work as a team," they say. Really? Well why is it that my opinion NEVER MATTERS?! This has been my complaint ever since I started work here; even lowly secretaries are right sometimes.

I'd seriously love to quit this job in January. Let me rephrase that: I'm *seriously* thinking of quitting this job in January. I do love the thought of that: it would mean I only have to be here about two more months, and THAT is a lovely thought indeed. I'm so tired of wasting my life at a place where they think I'm a COMPLETE MORON. It's not even just the people - well, it mostly is the people - I also don't like the tasks I do. Making travel reservatiions for people, putting things in the mail, oh, yes, a wide variety of brainless tasks. Plus, much of the time I don't even have that much to do. I'm sure they could find me a project, but I don't want it to be just busy work. I'd like to do something that's actually productive.

I don't think they fully understand how little I need this job. I have a second job that would more than provide for my current needs. Plus, I wouldn't care if I had NO money; I'd be happy just to not have to work here! I need to get my resume together and start sending it out. I hate to say that because then I'll get lazy and put it off, but I seriously need to. It's tough, you know? I've been going to school for so long, but I wonder if I can actually DO a job in engineering. One thing that makes me think that is that I'm completely lost on this Senior Design Project we have. Seriously. I know an actual company wouldn't throw a recent graduate into such a project alone, but it's still discouraging. I also think my group is way big into taking shortcuts. I don't have tons of time (or interest) to spend on this either, but I think we should try to put forth a little effort.

I had a crummy weekend too; nothing too bad, just full of petty annoyances. Plus, I felt down. I wanted to escape, to just sit and watch TV, which is something I rarely do these days. I wonder if that's part of my problem: I spend too much time thinking.


October 21, 2003
» the five stooges

¹º

Today we have to present our mid-term status report for the Senior Design Project. IMO, we are SO not ready. I'm supposed to talk about the structural/design part, but at this point that consists mostly of the requirements we've been given. I can picture us getting confused about who is supposed to talk about what slide and royally botching it up. I can also picture us having not done a bunch of things we were supposed to, and I don't think the instructors will appreciate that at all. Groan. My group is not very big into this project: they seem to enjoy taking shortcuts. When we get together to work on it, it seems we waste over an hour just trying to get started. Then we putter about . . . it really seems a poor use of our time. I'm not saying I have the perfect way to streamline our meetings or something, I'm just saying that we need to do something.

I've no idea what I'll say about our structure, and I can picture the instructors easily stumping me as they ask a probing question. :cries: Still, I've got to say something. Oh! But I think the way our group leader insisted on doing something is *not* the way the professor wanted it done. I tried to argue with the GL about it - in a nice way - but I couldn't find where I'd written a note that backed me up. I guarantee you that the instructors will ask us about it, and if they ask me, I'll turn to the other guy and be like, "Would you like to take that one?"

In other news, yesterday the boss asked to speak to me, then proceeded to say oh-so-politely that we should work as a team, and I should support the HRJA just like I do the bosses. You know what that means: HRJA was crying to the boss saying, "Anne isn't supporting me! WAH!" I was SO angry when I got home yesterday, but now I'm over it. The boss asked if I'd stay until I graduated. I said that was my plan at the moment, but I didn't tell him that it's certainly not set in stone or anything. Especially after yesterday . . . they just piss me off SO MUCH, the way they think I never do anything right. And that HRJA is such a pompous, two-faced knowitall . . . I've thought so from the moment I met him. He tells people what they want to hear, but deep down he's out for himself. Well, after I leave, he can be out for himself and *by* himself as well.


October 24, 2003
» "Ooh! I'm telling!"

º³

On Monday, my boss was back in town. He asked if he could speak to me, then he proceeded to say oh-so-politely that since we have more work to do now, we all need to work as a team. He said that I need to "support" the HR guy just like I do him. You know what that means, right? That whiny, sorry, no-good, yellow-bellied, lily-livered backstabbing HR guy went and TATTLED on me to the boss! "Wah! Anne's not supporting me! WAH!" Get over yourself, HR. He's just mad that I don't jump whenever he gives an order. Guess what - I still don't. Since the boss's little speech, I haven't had much to say to the HR guy. I'm sure that's childish but I just can't help myself. I don't have anything to say to someone who is apparently waiting for me to mess up so he can run crying to the boss. Did HR really think tattling would promote the best work atmosphere? I laugh at the boss saying we work as a team: no, they want to give orders and they want me to do those orders without question. And oddly enough, I HATE being talked down to, so their condescension doesn't exactly make me productive.

On Tuesday, our Senior Design Project group had to give a presentation telling what we've been doing. I left work to meet with the other girl in the group; the three guys were taking a test, so they didn't get to class until seconds before it started. The guys could have taken that test later, but they chose to take it then, which means our group didn't get a chance to coordinate what we'd say in our presentation. I've learned something about those guys: they *really* don't care about this project. I certainly don't want to spend all my time working on it but it would be nice to feel like we're putting some effort into it. The report we turned in concerns me greatly: we were missing quite a bit of info that the instructors wanted us to have. :bites lip nervously:

Wow - I'm really gripey lately, yes? I recognize that but it's how I feel. This has been a crummy week, and it started last weekend. There's nothing really specific, it's just a lot of stressful annoyances that I can't seem to resolve. Oh, and Wednesday was the five-year anniversary of the day my father died: five years ago today we had his funeral. My sister had forgotten that he died on the twenty-second. I'll never forget. I'll never forget where I was when I heard it either; I was living and working in another town. I was standing on a construction site, with a film crew that was documenting the work on the project when one of the managers came up to me and told me that I needed to call home. As I started for the office I heard the manager explain quietly to the film crew, "Her father has passed away."

Wednesday afternoon while driving home I hit something that stuck to my tire; whatever it was finally came off but I could still here a ticking sound as I drove. I checked when I got home but didn't see anything; when I woke up the next morning, my tire was flat. On the bright side I was late to work that morning - that *is* a bright side, because I truly hate my job lately.

Anyway. This weekend I plan to, um, work on moving the site that I just took over. Yeah, yeah, I know that I can barely keep up with the sites I have - but this one has been one of my favorites for a long time. I couldn't bear to see it close, so I offered to take it over and the webmiss said okay. (I'll say what it is once it's moved.) I also plan to update the Alias site and the fanlistings, and that'll probably be it for website work, since I have school work to catch up on also.


October 27, 2003
» Hanging in, hanging out, and hanging on

¹º

Yesterday at my part-time job I noticed that CH, a cute guy that worked there previously, is back again. *dances* He's yet another of those cute, young, bad boy types that is SO wrong for me . . . but did I mention how cute he is? I think he's one of the best looking guys that I know in real life. Plus he's tall and nice - on a good day - and darn it, I like that. (I'm almost inspired to write fanfic about him.) I'm surprised to see him working there again; he left several months ago when he found another job. I wonder if he's just there part time. I didn't get to talk to him, I just waved after he waved as he passed by.

Our presentation went okay last week - I guess. We were the last group to talk, and IMO, we were the least prepared. The professor asked us about one point and the Group Leader answered, just as he said he would. I noticed that when GL starts trying to make people believe what he's saying, he raises his voice. Not yelling exactly, but definitely louder than the tone he was using. It was pretty interesting.

Before the presentation, I was in the library with people from other groups who were preparing - I was slightly comforted to hear everyone else saying, "Oh, I HATE this!" too. We commiserated - it was nice. :)

This week, I have a tough assignment due tomorrow - I've worked on that thing so much, I'm past sick of it. I've almost done two of the three problems but I really don't think they're right. I've tried several times to do them too, but I keep getting stuck. Plus, it sucks that we have this assignment due tomorrow, because we also have a test on Thursday. So instead of trying to prepare for the test, I'm spending all my time trying to do this junk and I don't even know whether or not I'm right. Sigh.

I usually find that when I have trouble like this with the assignment, others in the class did too. That doesn't stop me from feeling like a *complete* idiot, though, that I'm just not getting it.

On the bright side, it's almost November, which means that I'll have about of month of school left at that point. It's really flying by, and despite my griping, I really have been trying to stay on top of the work.

In other news, I agreed to take over another site and move it to one of my domains. However, I totally underestimated how big that site is. :gasps: I wish the webmiss would just let me leave it on the freeserver where it is. But she asked me to move it. If that Free Server would allow FTP, I wouldn't have a problem at all. I tried to start copying the files this weekend, but I was overwhelmed by how many of them there were. Especially when I needed to be concentrating on those darn HW problems.


October 28, 2003

ºº

I'm feeling whiny/stressed/anxious so, here I am! The main cause is this freaking homework that I have tried no less than five times to do, and none of it is done with any confidence. We're supposed to check it in class tonight, and I can picture me somehow being publicly humiliated by looking like a great big moron. I want to just skip it, but I can't because we're having a test on Thursday. A TEST! But I can't even begin to prepare for that because I can't get past this assignment, and between now and Thursday I won't exactly have oodles of time either. Tonight, after my class ends at seven I have to go to the store and find ten products that contain hazardous chemicals for another assignment - oh, please do not have us read those aloud in class! We probably will have to though. Sigh. I just hope it doesn't take me too long to find them, since I know I'll be ready to go home. Heck, I'm already ready to go home.

Also stressing me is that I'm trying to complete an evaluation form for myself . . . and if that stuck-up jerk of a tattletale the HR guy says ANYTHING to me to review my performance - oh, it'll be ugly. He is NOT my supervisor, and the day he is will be the day I no longer work here. They changed the form - yep, that's HR's doing - so that we're supposed to list "significant" accomplishments that we've done. NOTHING I do here is significant. I'll probably put that down. All of my duties are on-going and to hear the boss talk I can't do any of them right. The boss already chewed me out in his passive-aggressive way for all of my many faults, and I'm sure this so-called review of my performance will only contain more of the same. I feel like telling them that I feel as if my opinion does not matter, but what would be the point? I can't imagine them ever seeing things from my side, because I can't imagine them admitting that they talk to me like I'm completely stupid. I swear, I don't even see the point of these reviews. I get it: nothing I ever do is good enough, so WHY BOTHER? I don't plan to be here another year anyway. Like I said, I can just picture the boss listing all my faults - he already scolded me for not supporting that whiny-arsed HR guy. I know I'm not perfect but it makes me very angry when I feel that I'm being judged unfairly, and that is exactly how I feel at this job. It's like they've always talked down to me, and I truly have no idea why.

I'm seriously stressed, but I'm about to put this homework away and just take whatever licks I get for not having it done.


October 30, 2003
» the group groupie?

º³

Yesterday, since I was hanging out at school, waiting for our group meeting at 7:00, I sat in the room where most of the other people in my class hang out. I was there by myself for a while, and about twenty minutes before seven I noticed that one of the computers has a scanner. I was going to scan a few pictures to send to my e-pal but I debated whether I had time to scan them before the others came in. I could picture a scene where Eddie sees me with pictures and insists on seeing them. So I was determined to have them put away before he got there.

Instead as I had the first one on the scanner, he comes in the room. We chatted briefly - he jokingly asked if I finished the senior project, and I sarcastically said something like, "Yeah, got it all done - no problem." Ahhh, witty banter. *grins* If he had left the room for a moment, I would've grabbed the picture off the scanner and put it away. Instead, he went over to where I was sitting to look at my books. He asked how studying for tomorrow's test went; I casually closed all the computer programs I had open and walked over to my books, saying that studying went well. We spoke briefly about the test. I was still hoping he'd leave for a second, but he went to sit down. Then the others in the group came in and got comfortable.

Time marched on, the group wasted an hour debating over a little point, then the meeting ended. I tried to casually linger, waiting for Brant and Eddie to leave. Instead, they looked like they planned to stay for a while, and it was to the point where I just couldn't stay any more without it look like I was stalking them. (I probably could've got the picture without them saying anything, but I kept imagining Eddie insisting on seeing it, and it's not the best picture of me . . . ) So I went to put my books in the car, then went back to walk casually by that room - they were still there. I went to the computer lab next door and puttered for a minute, until I thought I heard them leave. I looked into that room again and Brant was still there - that was not a problem because I didn't figure he'd ask to see the picture. I said breezily, "I almost forgot ..." and went briskly to the scanner to get my picture.

I paused to ask if there was anything I should be doing for the group project he said no. Actually, I initially phrased it, "Is there anything you need me to do?" Then I added, "Or - should I say - that y'all need me to do?" As I was leaving I thought that he probably thinks I was just trying to hang out to talk to him. You got me, Brant! I'm your biggest fan! :D He's cute, but puh-leeze. He's even younger than Eddie, I think, and he's a party-er too - he's even in a fraternity.

I'm probably just paranoid, but I think those single guys in my class think I'm flirting if I try to talk to them. As I said, they're cute - oh, yes they're all VERY cute - but ... really. Give me some credit, please. I am actually going to school for a *degree* not for my "M-R-S."

Picturing me telling those guys that I'm really not flirting reminds me of a scene from the show Quantum Leap: Sam was a soap opera star who was kidnapped by a crazy fan. He was gently trying to set her straight, that he wasn't really the character he played on television. She said, very seriously, "Look, I do NOT want to marry you." Then she added, as if it was the simplest and most logical thing on Earth: "I just want to have a baby with you."

Did I just share too much by comparing that scene to myself conversing with some guy? Hmmm ... ah, well. Read into that what you wish. ;)

PS - Michele, I'll probably get those pictures for you next week, so you can see what you-know-who looks like.


November 3, 2003

º²

Many thanks to Frances for the lovely Halloween sign - I've said it before and I'll say it again: she totally rocks! In other news, since I've cut back to "minimal maintenance" on the websites (which, in my defense, is more than plenty of other webmistresses do), I've really been keeping up with my schoolwork. Yeah, it's not exactly fun, but it's the way things have to be, I suppose. Still, I have been writing regularly at my on-line journal if anyone cares to read more details. Note: I'm not saying that the details will be interesting; it's just me, prattling on about work, school, guys, etc.


November 5, 2003
» Nor iron bars a cage

º³

I do not believe it! I just received my credit card statement and Infi-Crack hosting tried to charge me for two more years of hosting, although I have repeatedly been telling them to cancel my services. AARGH! This is a nightmare; I knew they were trying to hide from me, so they could charge me and say, "Well, we never received a letter from her to cancel her services." Of COURSE you haven't received it - you are HIDING from me! The address I mailed the letter of cancellation to - the address that is LISTED ON THEIR SITE - is no good, because the letter was returned to me unopened saying they have "Moved and Left No Forwarding Address."

Needless to say, I'm writing to my credit card company to have the charge removed. I'm telling them how I've repeatedly tried to contact Infinet to no avail, to cancel my services. If the CC company doesn't think that's a valid excuse, I pointed out that last year I paid for two years of hosting, so Infinet should not charge me at this time, even if they do deny receiving my notices of cancellation.

I just HATE this, because I can picture the credit card company siding with Inficrack. This is so far beyond frustrating. GRRR! Would you believe that Infinet still has not yet responded to a single one of my emails? Plus, naturally, the toll free number that they listed with the charge on my CC bill isn't working. GRRR again! I *knew* they were going to try something like this, but I didn't think it would be this soon! As I said, if nothing else, hopefully pointing out that I've already paid for another year of hosting will buy me some more time. Then, if I have to, I'll cancel my current credit card and get another one, so they won't be able to charge me again. It just sucks that I have to do all this - why won't they just cancel my (expletive) service?! I wouldn't have cancelled it in the first place if they had just communicated to let me know why my sites were down for weeks at a time. GRRR!!!!


November 10, 2003
» My butterflies have butterflies

º³

What is it about speaking in public that is so intimidating? Today in class, I plan to talk about an article that I found. (We have to bring in and "discuss" two articles this semester; it's the professor's way of including Current Events.) Here it is, if you're interested. I know that no one in the class is hanging on my every word; heck, ten minutes after I'm through speaking, the majority of the class won't even remember what I've said. I don't even have to say much about it, just give the highlights of what the article is about. Still, just the thought of it is tying my stomach in knots. And when I'm talking, I know my face will turn red. :bites lip: Thank heaven I've already done one, so after this, my article duties are complete.

This weekend, I made it a point to start taking pictures for the 26 Things photo scavenger hunt. Last time almost half of the month had passed before I took the first picture. This time, only about a third of the month has passed, so yay for that. :rollseyes: The good news is that I found pictures for eight of the items on the list. How's that song go: "8 out of 26 Ain't Bad"?

Last night, I met with the others in my group to work on our senior design project. We're in good shape, or so we think, anyway. I'm still feeling pretty useless; the main part of what I'm "in charge of" isn't due until next semester. In the mean time, I'm not doing very much at all, though everyone else seems to find ways to help. Sigh. At least last night, I was able to assist one of the group members by answering his questions about AutoCAD. I'm not a *complete* slacker: woo hoo!

Yesterday, I saw a guy that I used to know. He went to my church - his dad was our pastor, in fact - but they moved to another state over two years ago. This same guy is in the military and he is going to be leaving soon to serve overseas. And what did I do when I saw him? Shook his hand. If ever an occasion called for a hug, it's that one, but I, the Frigid Queen of the Dorks, can't even manage that. :bangs head on desk: The instant after the moment passed, I regretted it. But of course, that's too late - it would just be scary if I suddenly ran across the room and hugged him while he's talking to someone else.

I was going to speak to him after church, and maybe tell him about the websites, but there were so many people waiting to talk to him that I just left. I love the idea of my sites, my words keeping him company while he's away from home. That's probably not a very practical dream, but it's a dream I had, in any event.


November 12, 2003

ºº

Sometimes I feel like all I do is whine. Look: I'm even whining about that! I guess the whining seems excessive because that's what I usually feel compelled to write about. In that spirit, here I am again. However, usually after I write/whine, I buck up and rise to the task at hand. As of class yesterday, my work load at school increased dramatically. Oh, why do they wait until the last possible minute to assign all this work? One of them could definitely have mentioned this assignment at the first of the semester. Instead, they kept saying, "Oh, we'll talk about that later," and so they finally have. GRRR!

I plan to spend this afternoon working on some of my school work, but I confess I don't even know where to start! I stupidly picked a lesser-known topic for my research paper, and so far, I've found nothing on it. Call me lazy, but I'm really not worried about it. I've kept up on the homework in that class, and I've done VERY well on the tests, so there's a good chance I'll just blow off that assignment. I'll do it, but I'm not going to put myself out over it.

Also stressing me is that I'm getting way behind on my site work. I know that schoolwork has to come first, but it bugs me when my sites aren't updated. Plus, I'd much rather do sitework than schoolwork, because I feel I've accomplished something with the sites. Schoolwork is hard, and rarely can I even complete a whole assignment. Today, for example, my assignment is not completely done, and the professor may call on me to work one on the board. Is it not someone else's turn yet? She said we all have to work problems on the board - so why hasn't the girl who sits next to me done even one of them? I wonder if she approached the prof and asked to be excused from that, but if so, why? She seems to have no problem talking to the class . . . maybe she's allergic to marker fumes?


November 13, 2003
» Aragorn, take me away!

¹º

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!

I should have expected that my work load would increase, but I didn't know it would quadruple! Last weekend, I felt like I was in good shape. Then on Tuesday, the project people dropped a ton - yes, an actual ton - of work on me. They couldn't have mentioned this ANY earlier?! All semester, I've been trying to find something to do to help the group and failing miserably. Now, with three weeks left until it's due - BAM!

Plus, of course, I have another project due - a research paper that after HOURS of searching, I still haven't found a single piece of information on. If I didn't have to work until bloody five o'clock today, I might could actually seek help from the professor. Similarly, before I can even start my project crap, I need to ask a few questions, but I don't even know when I'll be able to do that.

I've been really trying to stay caught up on the work this semester, and it REALLY irks me that they dump all this work on me at the last minute. I don't even know when I can work on it, since there's so much of it, and so much of that I can't even seem to put a dent in. I've been going non-stop for the last three days, and it'll be about seven-thirty when I get home tonight. IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK, I'd like to just be able to sit for a minute and try to get over this stressed mood I'm in!

Same goes for this crappy job, which I dislike more and more every day. The HR guy loves to dump Petty Projects on me, and again, I can't seem to complete a single one! D'OH!! I'd love to leave work early today, because I just HATE, HATE, HATE being here! Maybe a check will arrive in the mail, so I can take that to the bank and be gone a while.

I seriously need to take a day (or twelve) off of work and focus on my school work. I'm toying with the idea of leaving this job in January. The money I make and the so-called benefits are not worth all the added stress from it taking up my time.

PLUS, on an even more shallow note, I don't have anything decent to wear. I write down what I wear each day, so - THEORETICALLY - I'll have an idea what to wear in the near future. But, somehow, especially as the weather's changing, it doesn't help at all, and trying to pick out something to wear always makes me run late to work. Today, I was late - partly due to traffic, oh, joy - AND I had to settle for a dowdy "gramma" outfit. UGH!


November 16, 2003
» Not so much!

º³

Things are *crazy* at the moment . . . I say that a lot, don't I? Well, it's often true, and now even more than usual, since it's nearing the end of the semester. As if I didn't have enough to do with a research paper and finals swiftly approaching, last week I was handed a ton - yes, an actual ton - of work to do on the senior design project. Yes, I do want to pull my weight and contribute to the group effort, but could they not have mentioned this particular busy-work earlier in the semester? The blasted project (which includes a presentation to a panel of professors, btw) is due on December 2nd.

In the last entry, I mentioned that I was planning to talk about an article, which is a class requirement. I did it! (Ta da!) I mostly talked to the professor, but even then I felt my face redden. Oh well! Now I just have to work on the research paper for that class, which I still haven't been able to find a *single* article/bit of info on. Sigh.

I earlier mentioned - on some site - that I have a new site. It's now moved and open for business: Laugh Lines, Love Lines. Months ago, the webmiss mentioned that she was thinking of giving it up, so I wrote to offer to take over if she doesn't have anything else in mind for it. I've visited that site for a long time - even before I watched the Buffy or Angel. In fact, I credit the quotes on that site as being what made me want to watch; I always thought those shows were too dark for me. Not true! They're not as dark as some other spy dramas that I watch . . .

I've got to get ready and go meet my group members: I just wanted to let you all know what I'd be up to for the next few weeks, in case I suddenly disappear. I'll probably be around a little, though. I mean, I can't work all the time . . . even though I might need to.


November 20, 2003 @ 02:40 PM
» a nightmare, I say

¹º

Of course, I'm talking about all of the CRAP I have to do for school. It's due in less than two weeks and I TRULY have no idea what to do! Yesterday I tried to go see the professor, and she all but blew me off; okay, I was visiting at the last second, but since they keep piling stuff on and changing things at the last possible moment, I'd say that's to be expected. I was so frustrated that I went to sob in the restroom; I'm so completely, utterly lost on this thing. I can see me letting the group down, and being totally humiliated during the presentation.

I was so fed up that I went home yesterday and skipped the group meeting. What do they need me for anyway?! Anything that I can do, they could do. Better.

I've sent the professor an email - hopefully she can either answer by email or meet with me today or tomorrow. I just hate this whole project: I KNEW it would suck royally, and it's even worse than I imagined! Besides having - honestly - no clue what to do, even when I try to start work on it, I reach a dead end before I get a single thing done! I'm sure I should have started asking for help earlier, but for one thing, I didn't even know all of this crap was my responsibility. Since we've only done that (briefly!) in one transportation course I had, I thought it would be the transportation guy's responsibility.

I hate to even sit here and gripe about it, because that is so far beyond pointless. But what else can I do?! Like I said, I'm thwarted at every turn . . . I don't really even know what to ask! I feel like the stupidest person to ever haunt the halls of my school; why in the world did I choose Civil Engineering?!


November 25, 2003
» Oh, what a cryin' shame

º³

In the past three days I've spent about twenty hours in the computer lab at the school, working on my senior design project and meeting with my group. We're meeting tonight, too, although I'm not quite sure why. We're to the point where the work can be done separately; we just need to coordinate our efforts and let each other know how things are going. When we meet though, we don't even do that. I'm not sure what I expect, but I feel like we're just wasting time puttering around. To be honest, I get more work done when the group is not around.

Which is not saying much, since I still have a boatload of work left to do. I'll probably work on it . . . no, I've *got* to work on it over the break, since it's due on Tuesday. I also have a research paper that's due on Monday, and I haven't even started that. (Guess I should, huh.) I'd like to have some of this project work done first, if at all possible.

Yesterday, in my environmental class, we took a field trip to the local garbage incinerator, or as they prefer to call it the "Waste To Energy . . . " something. Our professor stressed that the amount they pollute is minimal: over half of the building is filters that collect pollutants before the air is released into the atmosphere. The most disturbing part of that trip was the tremendous about of garbage they had waiting to burn: it was covering most of the floor where the garbage trucks drive in to dump their loads. One word, people: recycle. (I'm begging you!) My mom has collected newspapers and cans to recycle for as long as I can remember, and it never fails to amaze me when I see what other people just throw away.

In other news, on a whim I decided to check out some of the features of my new host - I thought they had listed "site statistics" as part of their hosting package. They did, so I checked to see what sort of hits I'd been getting. I was peeved to see that about 1 of every 3 hits was where some 'tard had linked to one of my images from a message board. GRRR! I knew people did crap like that, and that is why most of my images are hosted in galleries on my free websites. At first I changed the names of those links, and I planned to redo my sites to move all of the extra pictures to a free website. Then I discovered another lovely feature that my website host offers: hotlink protection. I love that - I can even list URL's that can link to images, since a few people do have my permission to link to banners and such.

Some people may think "What's the big deal?" The big deal - especially when the image is on a message board - is that every time that page is visited, *my* bandwidth gets another hit, and the person isn't even visiting my site! Plus, the extra drain on my bandwidth due to hot-links no doubt slows down load times for my sites when the 'Net is busy.

The thing that surprised me most about this hot-linking revelation is that the picture that was linked to the most was the picture of the Golden Girls. o.0


November 30, 2003
» 26 things

º³

In the midst of all the school work I should be doing, yesterday I completed my set of 26 Things. If you're not familiar with that, it's a photographic scavenger hunt: a list of items is posted and participants have a month to take pictures and then post the pics for others to see. There was a "hunt" held in July also, and I participated in that as well; projects like that motivate me and give me a reason to take pictures. (Usually I intend to but I get busy/lazy and don't seem to get around to it . . . )

Speaking of which, as mentioned, I have a pile of projects that I should be doing. I was doing pretty well at working on them, until yesterday when I became rather gripey, dwelling on how ready I am to just turn them in and get on with my life. Tomorrow I have a research paper due - it's about half done. Tuesday, our senior design project is due, and we have to present our project to a panel of professors from the department. Words cannot express how much I dread that. We're supposed to talk for about twenty minutes per group, which is about four minutes a person: I don't have that much to say! Plus, I'm scared to get too specific, because I can picture a professor asking me a question that completely stumps me. At least after that, it'll all be over but the crying.

After all that fun is over, I have a final on Thursday evening, and of course it's in my weaker class, since I have no time to prepare for it. Sigh.


December 3, 2003 10:39 AM
» Crack-host Update

¹¹

My credit card company wrote to ask me for documentation that shows the date I first tried to cancel. I've sent that to them, but it irks me that they're acting like the date I tried to cancel is the critical thing. To me, the critical thing is that I have already paid for another year of hosting. So anytime before October 2004 is plenty of advance notice! I pointed this out, and included proof that I've already paid along with the other stuff they asked for.

In Other News . . .

Sorry for griping so much about that here - it's just so frustrating. I feel compelled to warn others, so I mention it every chance I get.

In other news, this is sort of a **** week at school, because it seems like everything's due. I had a research paper due on Monday, a presentation yesterday, and tomorrow I have a final that I am so not prepared for . . .

Guess I shouldn't be on the 'Net right now, huh.


December 6, 2003
» back to good

º³

This is one week I'm glad to see behind me. I'm about to ramble about that, so if you're looking for a happier post, may I suggest the archive? Actually, I'm not in a bad mood, but maybe I should be . . .

On Monday, I was scrambling - at work - to finish the research paper that was due at one o'clock. I managed to scribble something down for that; my goal here is a B. Monday afternoon, I was trying to finish up the massive about of work that I had put off until the last minute. My project group was meeting that evening and I was hoping to have my part finished before then, but it didn't happen. We met in the computer lab, which was *full* of other people from our class, also doing the last minute thang. I tried to continue working but it was tough to concentrate with so much activity. Plus there was the small matter of my not having the SLIGHTEST idea what I was doing. About ten o'clock, two of my fellow group members started to voice their annoyance about the other three of us being procrastinators. Since I was the only one still working, I was sure that was directed to me. Not much later, knowing they were waiting impatiently on me, I wrote three short paragraphs of pure crap and gave it to them to include in our report. I planned to rewrite it later (when they weren't around) and then present it to them, saying that I realized my previous contribution needed much work.

Monday night, I went home, planning to stay up all night if need be to finish that, so I could have the corrected version for the group when I saw them again. Not to mention that we had to give a presentation and I still had no idea what I was going to say. I kept picturing me in front of the class, fumbling for an answer after someone asks me a very simple question. I got about three hours of sleep - after having accomplished nothing - and woke up with my stomach in knots. I kept imagining myself looking like a fool in front of everything, and I almost couldn't breathe. I also couldn't eat; I seriously considered doing (slight) bodily harm to myself so I could go to the hospital and have an excuse for missing the presentation. Whenever I'd think of skipping it, though, I'd recall that the group needs me, and if it went badly, then I guess I deserved it for being so ill-prepared.

Tuesday at work I managed to put something together for the presentation, and as time for it grew closer, I calmed down, ready to accept whatever happened just so I could be done with it. At the presentation, the professor asked me a question or two, and I managed to answer those. Fortunately, she didn't ask any more.

Thursday, I had a final, which did not go very well. That's my weaker subject, but since everything else was due this week, I didn't have time to prepare like I needed to. Sigh. I calculated that I need a 66 on the final to get a B in the course; I really hope I get it!

One might think that with all that behind me, I can breathe a bit easier, yes? Umm, no. Tuesday at work, while I'm close to having a panic attack as I'm picturing the public humiliation I'm about to experience, I discovered a HUGE error that I'd been making at work. Long story short, a spreadsheet that I've been using to add up the hours worked by our employees was wrong - it wasn't adding up all of the numbers in a column. Since the boss uses that info to bill our clients for the work we do, I've been causing us to lose money. Here's the worst part: it's been wrong since April. I added up the hours that were left off, to see the exact extent of the mistake, and it was almost three thousand hours. Now multiply that by the minimum rate of twenty dollars per hour that they charge, and you can see what a hugely massive mistake this is. The boss is out of town, so I explained in an email and sent that to him yesterday. He is usually pretty easy-going, but I can seriously imagine him being angry enough about this to fire me.

I do hate that I've made this mistake - I have no excuse: I should have caught this way before now - but I'm not that worried. If I lose my job, so be it. I'll still have the part-time one, and I guess I'd have plenty of time to work on my schoolwork. And, oh yeah, I have websites that need updating. I plan to work on that this weekend, but believe me, I'm not going to stress myself out over it.


December 9, 2003 @ 05:59 PM
» what, me worry?

¹º

Well, the roughest part of my school deadlines have passed and I'm happy to say that I made it through. Praise the Lord! I've just got one final left, and it's in my better class. Plus, the test is open-book/open-note.

Now I find myself obsessing over a certain situation that I shall not name. (Hmmm, if I won't talk about it, maybe I shouldn't have even mentioned it.) I just feel so powerless . . . everything I try seems to be thwarted. Just be warned that people on the 'Net can really screw you over!

I know worrying about it doesn't help but that seems to be my pattern lately. When did I get to be so faithless? It seems whenever the slightest problem arises, I just worry about it and honestly expect the worst. Sigh.


December 10, 2003

ºº

I'm waiting to hear from my credit card company if I owe money to my former [website] host, who tried to charge me for two more years of hosting. (Did I mention?) The cc company seemed to be concerned about the date I tried to cancel - why is that even an issue?! I've already paid up through October of 2004, so anytime recently that I've tried to cancel is *well* in advance of my hosting expiring. If they say I owe that money, I'll be so angry. That hosting company will have screwed me good: I'll be paying *twice* for the same services, plus I'll be stuck with them and have no way to contact them. If they tell me I owe that, I'll probably contact a lawyer. Sure, that would probably cost more than just paying that host, but I'd rather anyone get the money than them.

I just don't understand how such a sucky company can remain in business. Like I said, they've cut off every way I had of contacting them. I even wrote to a fellow webmistress who recently cancelled with them to ask how she cancelled. She helped me out before, but I haven't heard anything from her. She doesn't care. Sigh. Maybe I'll write to another one . . .

As always I shouldn't be dwelling on this, because the only thing that accomplishes is making me feel anxious. I just feel so helpless.


December 12, 2003 @ 09:40 AM
» drinks for everyone!

¹º

(Drinks for everyone in this room, that is. *wink*)

I'm so happy to report that the situation I was worrying over in the previous report is - for the moment at least - resolved to my satisfaction. Woo hoo! :throws confetti: I'm not going to go into details at this time, but trust me, it's a good thing. :)

Today I have a final . . . um, yay? Actually I think it'll be okay: it's in my better class, and it's open-book. I'm sure it'll be long, but then - FREEDOM! Well, as free as a busy weekend can be, I suppose.

Yesterday I went to a new hairstylist for a trim. My previous stylist - who I have been going to since December of 2000 - finished nursing school and has gone into nursing full-time. That's great, but what about my hair?! Just kidding. I'd been thinking of finding someone new for a while, but then I'd wonder if that person would be able to cut it like the previous one. I've got layers and I'd like to keep them; I'm not sure the person yesterday did anything with those. I'm hoping she didn't cut the other length to match the shorter layers. :bites lip: I don't think she did. She asked a lot of questions about how I usually wear my hair, and how was the length after the trim, etc.

That's about it for now; I wanted to post something that was actually happy for a change. :)


December 15, 2003

ºº

No details but about the situation in the previous entry . . . *big grin* As I said, no details - you never know who's reading this - it's just cool.

Work today is pretty sucky, but it could be much, much worse, so I'm not going to complain about it much, at this time. I can sum it up by saying that I think I know how Cinderella felt.

Last night I worked at a part-time gig, and J, a guy I used to, um, date, was trying to be flirty with me. What's that about, J? We parted on not-great terms, and besides that, he's now *married* with a child. I still think he's cute, but, believe me, he's not THAT cute!

In happy news, I must confess that things have been going pretty well for me, after that initial bad start I had for the month of December. Believe me, it was BAD, but as I said, things got better. I had my last final, which went considerably better than my first one. The (blank) that I (blank)ed arrived and it worked. (Another secret situation that I can't talk about. :wink:) Now, I'm off from school until January 12th. I plan to catch up on some website work, and practice having more faith.


December 15, 2003
» Wherefore art thou, Nemo?

º³

The situation at work, the one where I thought I had royally messed up and cost the company thousands of dollars, turned out to be okay. The boss was using the individual totals, which were correct, instead of the overall total, which was wrong. That may be a vague explanation, but trust me, it's a good thing because no corrections were needed. :sigh of relief: I think the boss appreciated my honesty in confessing about the mix-up, although now I'm sure he'll grow even worse about talking to me like I'm a complete idiot. Hmmm, maybe it would've been better if I *had* lost my job. :winks:

Friday, I had my last final for the semester, and I think it went well. There was just one problem that I wasn't sure of my answer on, but if all of the others were correct, I'm in great shape. I still don't know how I did in the other class, or on the senior project . . . and I'm not sure I want to know!

On Saturday, I went to the party that my Sunday School class was having. It was nice, although the food wasn't exactly vegetarian friendly. We played the (lame) gift-swapping game that we often do, and I wound up with my very own copy of Finding Nemo. I haven't seen that, but I've heard good things about it from several sources, so I'm pleased. I'd be just as happy if we didn't play that game: my previous gifts have been less than stellar.

This weekend, I also learned that the one guy I would've thought of as a dating prospect for me has a son. This doesn't exactly break my heart, since I don't really know the guy. I just thought he seemed like someone I'd like to know better, if he ever asked me out. However, knowing that he has a son, if he asked me out, I wouldn't go. Some people may think that's unfair, but after my previous experience with dating a divorced father, believe me when I say it would take extraordinary circumstances for me to even consider doing that again. It was such a mess . . . :shudders: Like I said, it doesn't break my heart because of this guy, but it is disheartening because every guy I meet is just so unattainable.

Having said that, if anyone ever told me that my standards are too high, I'd probably tell them off - or maybe just laugh in their face. To me, an attitude like that says that any guy is better than no guy, and THAT is absolutely ridiculous. "He might be a lying, drug-abusing wife-beater, but he's better than nothing." LOL. I've dated enough losers to know what I want (and definitely *don't* want) in a man.

Speaking of what I want, two nights ago I had a great dream that Keanu (Reeves, of course) was trying to seduce me. Being a somewhat good girl - and clearly insane - I was trying to resist his considerable charms; the next thing I knew, I found him in bed with my roommate. The weird thing was that my roommate was none other than krix. No, I don't know her, but in the dream, I somehow knew that was her. I'm thinking of writing and telling her about that dream, because she'd probably get a kick out of it.


December 23, 2003
» "I'm a mouse, and I'm stirring."

º³

This entry's title is from an old Warner Brothers cartoon: they're telling that "Twas the Night Before Christmas" story, and after the "not even a mouse" part Speedy Gonzalez says, "I'm a mouse, and I'm stirring." Hee. (I also say that when I'm stirring tea to add sugar to it . . . but that's another story.)

Last week I received my grades for the semester: A, B, B minus. Sigh. The B- was in the Senior Design Project: I wonder if everyone in our group received the same grade. I would hate to have brought everyone's grade down - though surely it wasn't ONLY my work that affected the grade! - but then again, if the others made A's, it's not exactly fair that they had so much less work to do than I did and made higher grades. Since the professor in charge of the project is notoriously picky, and her area of expertise is the area that I was assigned to work on for the project, I should probably be glad to have received a B. I'm not surprised she included the minus sign; it doesn't affect my GPA, but I can picture her including it to say, "Well, since the administration will be unhappy if we tick off the students, I'm grudgingly giving you a B, though we both know you deserve much worse." Whatever! One. More. Semester.

Yesterday at work, I learned that we did not receive a large contract that we were hoping for, so in a few months, we're going to have to let over half of our employees go. The contract work doesn't affect my position, but if we don't have the money that the contract generated, the boss will probably not be able to afford to keep me on for long either. I'm okay with that - heck, I was hoping to leave in May and find a job in my field, after I graduate. (If not before.)

The only way this might affect me is that I'm recently on my want-to-buy-a-house trip, and if I don't have job security, or if I've recently started a new job, that could negatively affect my chances of getting a loan. Oh, well. I plan to go ahead and try to get the house-buying process started as much as I can. I don't plan to rush into anything, and I'm trying not to get my heart set on any one thing. If it doesn't happen now, I guess I'll keep waiting.

On Saturday, I went Christmas shopping. What's that? Me? Last minute? NAH! *g* I'd love it if I could remember to shop for presents all through the year, such as when I find something good on sale, but I just don't think of it. If I knew what I was looking for, I'd probably go earlier, but since I mainly wander around, waiting for something to call my name, I can do that any time. I kind of like going shopping a few days before Christmas: I think it really helps me get into the Christmas spirit, by making a day of it.

Randomness: today, I'm wearing a red turtleneck, a black sweater, and gray pants that are unflatteringly affected by static electricity. I'm finally recovering from the sore throat/lost voice I had last week. I still haven't wrapped all of the presents I bought. For the websites, I'm working on new designs for several sites, summaries for two MacGyver episodes, and reviewing three Angel episodes.

Merry Christmas!


December 29, 2003 @ 11:24 AM
» Gripe much??

¹º

This morning I was thrilled to find an article that touts Angel as one of the Top Most Daring shows of 2003. I fully agree - it is a FANTASTIC show!

I figured that some of the webmistresses whose sites I regularly visit would be pleased with the article as well, since they are huge Buffy fans. Instead, I see them snarking, "What show was that reviewer watching? 'Angel' makes me want to hurl!" Then a bunch of people sucked up and agreed. :rollseyes: The person writing that admits she doesn't even watch Angel.(!) Well, I do - even though it's work to obtain tapes of the eps - and I agree with that reviewer 100%, especially the part about 'Angel' being better than 'Buffy' in its final seasons. 'Angel' is the only show I get excited about: I don't about 'Alias' (not this whole season) and I didn't about 'Buffy.'

It hurts my feelings - JUST a little - that the webmistresses I admire don't like my *favorite* show, but I guess it shouldn't. Believe me, their snarky comments do not make me like it any less. Plus, lately I don't like much of the shows, songs, movies, etc. that are currently popular: I often joke that producers could pay me to check out their new releases, and if I didn't like it, it would without a doubt become a huge hit.

N A V I G A T E

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