January 3 - March 9, 2001

All of the entries on this page are from the "atwork" journal.

January 3, 2001

Happy New Year! I'm back at work after another four-day weekend. I love it! Ray's back again, for now. He called and came over on New Year's Day. I didn't say what I had planned - what a surprise. I think it's obvious that we're not in the same place we were before. Last night, he thanked me for putting up with him. For some reason, that makes me feel bad. It reminds me of how upset I am, and how that resentment still festers in the back of my mind although I don't mention it to him.

In other news, I'm undecided about what plan to continue on in school. I'm also back to wanting to get my own place. I want my furniture, my bathroom, my dishes, my kitchen, and my own space.

In my job, I'm also unsettled. I wonder if I could or should find a place closer to home to work so I don't have to drive so far every day. I wonder if I could find a job with better pay where the work is actually something I want to do. I know I don't have to decide all of this in one day, but I do wonder when it seems as if everything in my life is unsettled! Maybe I make it hard by looking at the proverbial green grass on the other side.

I do resolve to fret less this year. I'm going to pray about things and go with the decision. As a first effort to that, I plan to move all of my late last year fretting to the other [file] and leave it closed for a good long while. Don't borrow trouble! I'm recalling the Bible verse that says, "Sufficient for the day are its own troubles." That's a good motto.

January 5, 2001

Since this is the year of JUSTDOIT, I finally called to see if I could cash the check I've held longer than 90 days. It's still good! Super! (Thanks to Michelle, who told me that I could have it "re-issued." I might have thrown it away!)

In worse news, according to Ben at the student center, "parallel" does mean that I have to have those classes at the same time.

Oh - this is the 2-year anniversary of Ray's and my first date. He asked me on New Year's Day if I remember when "our anniversary" was. Of course *I* do. He was feeling bad yesterday and was very quiet.

January 8, 2001

This morning when I thought of starting school today, I felt lazy and wanted to just forget it. Now I see there is one spot left in the ISE class that I thought of taking and I want it! When I think of continuing in Engineering, I feel overwhelmed. I think of the FE exam: there's no way I could pass it! I might conceivably get the worst grade ever on it! (Nice attitude, eh?) Speaking to Cat helped - as of yesterday she wasn't registered either.

Apparently everyone had the same last minute plans that I had! I saw [a former classmate] outside the Eng Bldg.

January 10, 2001

Well, things "worked out." I did get the last spot in the class. Linda from Linear Algebra is in there. I think it will be a good class. I hope it will! I'm trying to read ahead. Then again, I usually start out that way and lose steam less than half-way through the semester!

I stopped in to see Ray pre-class on Monday. He's going to B'ham to work at that LH for a while. I don't recall when he's leaving. I was going to ask if he was even going to tell me, but I decided not to go there. He's still feeling ill. I plan to stop in today also if I can leave at a good time. I figure I might as well stop in while I can! I've also got a [work/inventory] gig.

Michelle wrote back to my quick note; she really blasted me for saying that I was considering changing my major. I didn't appreciate her know-it-all attitude. In her defense, she was right about the Regis hair salon!

I realized that Michelle just says what I sit around and write! For example, I want Sara to get off her duff and find a good job, and I want Ray to get his act together. But I don't tell them that, because they'd feel like I do after Michelle gives me all of that advice. PLUS, they have to want things to happen, and I don't think any amount of talk from someone else will make them/us realize that unless we come to the realization on our own. Maybe that means I could try to casually steer them in the right direction.

January 11, 2001

Speaking of which, I stopped in to see Ray as he suggested. I didn't see his car, but I turned into LH parking lot to turn around. His car was parked in a very different spot. I went in. He seemed distracted like he didn't want to sit with me. (Again, is that a perception thing?) He got really busy - he didn't get to sit back with me. Oh well! I guess that's fitting for the last time I stop in there for a good long while. He asked if I had anything planned for tomorrow - no. He said that he really needs to work. So, I won't plan to see him then. That's okay, too. Last night as I was counting at [work/inventory] I was struck by the realization that I really have wasted a lot of time with him! I'm still wasting time with him. I will be so glad for him to go to Birmingham! I was glad that he was going the last time. He says that he "is so ready to go." Yeah, right. In a few weeks, I'm sure that he'll be so ready to come back!

Since I wrote to Michelle yesterday about my plan to go to my class reunion with my husband "who models underwear for Calvin Klein," I am so hot and bothered! It's pathetic and yet kind of cool! Just the mental picture of the phrase "Calvin Klein underwear model" is really getting to me; have YOU seen those underwear boxes with those pictures? Last night I was striding around confidently and feeling attractive. I love when I can do that! It happens a lot when I wear the bright lipstick. I was also thinking how attractive John was looking. I was glad to feel attractive since usually I'm not so nice-looking when John sees me. It's probably good that I didn't see John as I was leaving; it could have been scandalous! Today, Hank told me, 'Tomorrow I get to come over there and see your pretty face.' God, please bless Hank!

January 12, 2001

Well, I think I accidentally ingested part of my plastic Taco Bell fork! Is that deadly: If I fall over dead, you all can assume that was it. I'm sure that's happened before (to someone) and will happen again. In happier news, I feel that I'm having a better hair day than I usually do. And it's Friday - woo hoo! I was a bit freaked about the eating the fork thing. I tried to search for medical advice on the Net. I thought that "accidentally consuming a broken off piece of a plastic Taco Bell fork" was too specific. I typed in "accidental ingestion of plastic forks" - looking at that phrasing cracks me up! It's like, "I accidentally ate this bag of plastic utensils! HELP!" As I typed that I was shaking with laughter - I've got tears! It is so funny! That plastic must be affecting my brain! Let me compose myself; KMW and Gary are supposed to be on the way over here. Looks like a pretty busy afternoon with Hank coming to help us move stuff around. Cool!

Looking at today's writing, it was very clear to me that all of this fretting is so pointless because the stuff I fret about doesn't even happen that way! Mom used to tell me that things we worry about usually don't even happen. I've found that to be true on many occasions! Fretting is the same way!

January 15, 2001

I so do not get Ray. He told me on Thursday that he'd see me on Saturday. I didn't hear from him until he called me late on Saturday night to say that he'd see me before work on Sunday. Of course, I didn't hear a word from him after that. I keep repeating, "I'll be so glad for him to be gone." I keep hearing Michelle quietly and sincerely ask me, "Why are you wasting your time?" I wonder that myself!

January 17, 2001

Well - I did run my errands. Wal-Mart did not even have ONE folder with clasps in it! And you would not believe the prices of their FOLDERS and NOTEBOOKS! I looked around the mall. I found some cute pieces but I thought they were a bit over-priced and would not wear too well. I'll wait for a sale.

Remember a few days ago when I wrote that it was probably good that I didn't see John before I left? Well, I was right. He was there last night. We kept flirting, and he kept telling me that I owe him a kiss for buying me lunch that day. I like to kiss, so that's no big deal. After work, I kissed him. He's the first guy I've kissed since Ray and I have been "serious." I think John was mad when he drove off. It was three in the morning and he had been trying to get me to go to the office with him. I insisted that I couldn't. As I drove off, I could not believe myself! You'd think that I'd know better - after all this time! I'm pathetic. The really pathetic part is that I feel like I'm getting back at Ray, and I really like that. I hope I don't hurt John's feelings. I was thinking, "This isn't right! I've got to nip this in the bud!" But did I? No. I need to be honest with him, like I was planning to be with KMW. I need to mention that I'm not looking for anything serious now. It's a bit ridiculous to tell that to someone I've spent time making out with!

I was twenty minutes late to work today. KA asked; I simply told him that I could not get up. Tammy from the Math DEPT called to see if I could grade. I really wanted to help her/them out, but I told her that I didn't think I could manage it. She appreciated my honesty.

I still find myself very angry with Ray and his thoughtlessness. Why don't I tell him to kiss off?

January 18, 2001

Man! I am having some major hormone problems! The commercial for next week's Angel had him saying, "No, no, no. The begging comes later." I hear him say that in his sexy way and it drives me crazy! Plus today at the meeting I was almost overcome by a hormone rush! (That happened to me [at my co-op job] a lot!)

Anyway, I started writing - the scheduler called to say that John requested that Erma and I work his Saturday night store. Okay ... he is going to get in trouble with me if he isn't careful! He needs to be cool; he's 22, "cool" isn't even an option. Hey, he's passionate. I think it's sweet. It's so flattering that someone so young and cute believes that I'm young and cute too. (He actually said that I'm cute. As the evening went on, he changed it to "gorgeous." Yeah! Right! I might buy "cute.") I don't want to hurt his feelings. I need to tell him that I'm not looking for anything serious. I was just noticing how I am writing less about Ray. I am really thinking about him less, and that is very good! He's obviously not thinking about me! I need to tell him that I'm, ER, seeing other people. Part of me wants to see what he'd do for Valentine's Day, but the other part says that I really shouldn't expect anything if I don't want to be sorely disappointed. I need to tell him something so that I can have the (What?) closure! It's nice to not wonder/fret about him. I was just thinking "that is so true!" Then I thought, "That's redundant! It's like saying 'it feels good to not feel bad!' That's very profound."

Thinking of John I wonder, "What if KMW asks me out? Good grief, it's [my past] all over!" NO! It will NOT be like that!

January 19, 2001

Hello, Projects! I've busied myself working on HW and checking off items on my TODO list.

I am dancing around to the upbeat songs on the radio - I love that! It's after three - I love that!

I was thinking how I seem to morph into this cool, sophisticated chick around John, and I like it! I feel sexy, desirable, experienced and in-control; normally I feel that those qualities are FAR from me. I find myself also wondering if that is how Ray felt around me.

January 22, 2001

I don't know why, but it seems that I really hate my job on Monday. I arrive and see five stacks of junk with notes to really break it down for my simple mind and I think, "This is so not what I want to do."

January 23, 2001

Passing by LH yesterday I noticed a car that looked very much like Ray's. Whatever. I figured that he could be picking up his check or working up here for a day or eating out with the kids (or some slut) or back up here for good. If he's back up here, that was much faster than I thought! I knew he'd be missing the kids and that he'd find that working there was not the pot of gold he thought it would be.

Since this is the year of JUSTDOIT, I need to straighten up! As Denise Austin says, "This is not a dress rehearsal! This is your life and you have to live it to the fullest!" I am so not living to the fullest as I mope and whine and wonder why I can't be good. "Just do it!" Don't like how you are around John? Cut it out! Don't like how things are with Ray? Cut him loose! Don't like your job? Do the best you can while you're here and work to find something better! There is no excuse! I know I have no respect for people that complain about their situation and NEVER DO ANYTHING TO FIX IT! I DO NOT want to be that type of person! I also don't want to cop out and say, "Well I'm just bad!" I should do good in the small ways so that hopefully I can do good in the big ways! That "straighten up" is so true! Lord, please give me strength! I get a bit weak-willed when I think, "John will probably think that I'm nuts." I just have to be gentle yet firm. I would rehearse what I wanted to say, but that's pretty pointless since it never goes like I planned anyway.

No sooner do I resolve to do that and I'm slapped in the face with a Petty Job Annoyance. Isn't that the way it goes? If it was easy, everyone would do it!

I was reading in the old at-work journal and actually deleting a little stuff. I don't even know what to say - I have been fretting for almost a year! I keep writing that too! But when I think of actually speaking to him or leaving a voicemail message, I wimp out! I read about all of the crap that Ray's done to me and get very angry, but I cannot tell him to get lost! I don't know why that is! My advice is to STRAIGHTEN UP! I really need to! I really plan to also! It seems I always miss the right time to do it though! I'll just have to make the right time!

January 24, 2001

I was surprised that John was there last night, but I was too busy to dwell on it much. He stopped by to ask what I was doing after work; they were sending him home. I replied, "Going home and going to bed." He didn't linger. I'm weaker than I thought. I realized last night that I'm the same way that Ray is! He obviously hates giving me news that he feels would crush me, and I hate to give John or Ray news like that too! Sure it's bad news and no one likes that, but it needs to be known! I'm amazed that when the guy is around, I think, "It's not SO bad." When they aren't around, it's much clearer to me.

I didn't see Ray's car at LH yesterday; I passed there about 9:45. I really want to leave him a message. I also really want to see what he'd do for Valentine's Day. Even as I write that, I fully believe that he won't even call and that will hurt my feelings. I wonder why exactly it is that I want to leave a message. I guess basically it's closure for me so that he will know something and not show up out of the blue in "I love Anne" mode. I also want to hurt him a little and show him how it feels - somehow I doubt that will be achieved.

In other news, I must stop reading those spoilers for B&A. There is a crossover scheduled in about a month that sounds excellent! I also hope the current story line doesn't turn out badly/in a way that I don't want! I'm sure it won't turn out like I think, but I hope it's a good turn! I think that Darla will play a key role in Angel's reversal to his old self. I hope he does return to his old self! I was originally thinking that someone needs to call BUFFY to help Angel find himself again. This is the kind of situation that I enjoyed reading about after it was resolved when I didn't watch the shows. I could read about it and not get too worried thinking, "Oh, it'll be okay." Shows are different from how they used to be; when I was a kid shows didn't have the main characters in trouble. The solid, good guys would help out the less-fortunate guys.

I want to see DB's new movie - apparently he's a psycho, or is he? I'd spend most of it looking away, but not when he was on the screen!

January 25, 2001

I had such an excellent lunch that I must write about it! At first I was going to Wendy's, but the mile long line made me change my mind. I stopped at Kroger and finally decided on a three-bean chili. I read the label twice carefully and didn't see any meat listed. Turns out that dish was half the price that I thought, so it was just over a dollar! It was tasty and hot. I had a banana and a yogurt to put out the fire from the chili. It was an economical lunch that consisted of the things I like, and it was more than reasonably healthy! I am so full!

Last night, I was beyond tired of [work/inventory]. I really hope there aren't any gigs for a week or so. I need a break!

I turned on my buzz alarm this morning. It worked because I was out of bed like a shot to turn it off! I think that my hair looks unruly but good today. I washed it this morning, and now I'm slinking around (in my head).

January 26, 2001

Well, I called and left that message for Ray last night. I don't think that'll necessarily be the last I hear from him, but it feels like good enough closure for now. It gives me a reason that he doesn't call, and I certainly won't expect to hear from him on Valentine's Day. It's possible that he won't even get that message, but I'm glad I left it. I couldn't breathe well and my heart was pounding. I pretty much coughed up the words. I thought of myself as "jumping off the shelf" that he has had me on for two years.

Mom was let go from the nursing home. She seems okay with it. Sara wondered why Mom didn't tell us right away; I said that Mom was probably a bit embarrassed. Mom and Sara could do a lot more if they just had a little more confidence! In some areas, I need more confidence also, but I have more than they do! I guess it comes through experience. I try to tell them that they'll get better at the stuff they're learning with a bit of practice, but they seem determined to hide behind "I can't do that! It's too late to learn!" For crying out loud, I got a D in my last class, and it was one that I really wanted to excel at! Anyway, that doesn't mean I'm stupid and have no redeeming qualities. It just means that PROF was a jerk! (Just kidding.)

January 29, 2001

I woke up from a dream that I saw Trent again. In the dream I quickly remembered that he's married and he introduced me to his wife. This morning I was mildly depressed over my own failed relationship(s) and nowhere job. I am still not at ease with the Ray situation. As I said, every time I think it's over he comes back! I can't take it anymore, yet I'm also sad about it being over. It needs to be over, but what can I say? Change is hard! Trent is the one guy that I could actually picture myself marrying. Check that - he WAS the one guy. I know that marriage has its own set of problems, and I should really be glad to be single while I can. There's only me to think about and I don't have to worry about babies or junk like that.

January 30, 2001

This morning I heard the last few minutes of Miss TK from WQSB - I think she was talking about David from Angel. I deduced that he had stated that he was "a chicken" when it came to relationships. Welcome to my world, David! I was thinking how all I really want is a guy that looks like him (tall, dark and handsome) who has the other qualities - Christian, non-smoker, non-drinker, non-divorced, no children, etc. - that I want. Is that so much to ask? Apparently! I was thinking of what I wrote yesterday "it's true! The trick to happiness is being content with what we have now."

The more I think of Ray, the further away the whole ordeal seems. I think, "Who WAS that?" I feel pretty free when I think of it being over. I'm glad!

January 31, 2001

The more I think about Ray, the more I realize that it had to end!

Oh yes - I checked the GND chat board and someone posted that Bobby is in New York thinking of returning to acting and that same person is pretty sure that Chris is still acting. That is the first news of Bobby that I've seen since I've been checking the GND site. I think he's so cute! I bet we would get along swimmingly. (He's my age, you know, and he says that he can't dance and doesn't tan well.) I guess that those Plain White Guys have trouble finding acting jobs; PWGs are a dime a dozen! (That gives me a scene for a FANFIC story.) I hate that GND didn't last longer than it did. I guess it wasn't gritty enough for the black hearts out there.

Man! I feel like I've been put through the ringer!

February 1, 2001

I didn't look at LH yesterday as I passed. I made a special effort to not look.

I am having such a fat day/week!

February 2, 2001

I'm also having a bad bang day! I need to pay a visit to Curt. The eighth will be two months since a haircut. Every time I write today's date I think, "Today David's movie comes out!" That would be the first time that I've gone to the theater by myself. Cool.

Oh - yesterday I did my taxes. Hello, refund! (Hello, waiting many weeks to see the refund.)

February 5, 2001

Here I am in the midst of a string of busy days! I went to see Valentine this weekend. I thought that the acting was good, but I didn't get the ending!

I did it! In the spirit of the year of JUSTDOIT I called and made the appointment to have my hair done, and my first time choice was available. I had four lined up since my first is the day before Valentine's Day. I wanted to have it fixed before I went to a gig.

Oh yes! I think I dreamed that I was Willow, and I seemed to be fighting an evil Angel and then Glory. Right before my alarm went off, I defeated Glory!

I read that David said that his Valentine's Days are bad - last year he was going through a divorce. My Valentine's Day sucked last year too! He and I should console each other! Even in my dream I was aware of how tall and manly he is (and how I wanted to touch him!). I think I was severely hormonal after working yesterday with Ron, who is such a character.

February 6, 2001

I was having a persistent pain in my chest last night for about an hour. It also seemed to be in the ab area.

I was bumming and hateful last night right before bed, mostly to myself. I find myself unable to stomach Delilah's unique brand of sappiness and all of those happy people who are so in love. BARF! Just wait and time will take care of that! I am so bitter! Forget the whole men thing - I exercise, don't eat meat and am not overweight and I am having heart trouble! There is no justice in the world!

At work, I'm slovenly. I keep noticing a pain (more an awareness than a pain) in my chest, but I wonder if I'm being a hypochondriac.

February 8, 2001

Today I am staring down the barrel of a long and boring day!

I had been thinking that the guy I chat with before class was attractive - he's tall and chatty. Granted, he has a kid and curses a bit, but he's going to school and he's tall and manly looking. Yesterday, I was thinking, "EH, he's not so great." He's a nice guy, but he's not The One. I need to casually mention "the guy that I'm seeing." (That's John.) I've decided to say something like that if I think there's the slightest chance a guy I don't want/need might be interested in me. I think that's the polite thing to do, without waiting for him to ask and then being forced to accept (and lead him on) or decline with some lame excuse (like I did with JT). Maybe I should just wear a ring; oh yes, that doesn't work either. I like the "head 'em off at the pass" approach. (And I like that phrasing!)

February 9, 2001

Along those lines, I was hormonal yesterday and this morning. I think it may be closely linked to when I feel my hair looks great because that's when I start to slink around and feel irresistible. (I love that!)

February 12, 2001

I feel ugly today. Plus I'm having all the usual Monday work annoyances. I was talking to some guy at the oil-change place - even that perfect stranger advised me to find something in my field of interest so that when I get out of school it'll be better for me. Isn't that what I've been thinking? Plus, I keep having minor heart area discomfort. This weird chest pain is really starting to worry and annoy me!

February 13, 2001

I am really being annoyed by all of these petty work @$%#S.

February 14, 2001

What a store that was last night! It was jam-packed full of small overpriced clothes! It was almost two when I left and some people were still there! This morning! Yep - it's Valentine's Day. Oh yes - I got my hair cut yesterday and I didn't like it as well as before. It was fine - Mary and Greg didn't recognize me with me new 'do. For some reason that makes me feel bad, like I'm usually ugly or something.

Man am I tired! We're supposed to meet to work on our group project pre-class - I'll be there when I can! I am ugly. I so want to blow off the gig on Friday! I so want to take a nap! I have a weird pain in my right lung area. I'm falling apart here!

I am hating things today. MA complimented me on my hair. I don't like it - I look like I should be in that group DEELITE.

Looking at my finances, it's apparent that I won't be able to afford to buy my house on my salary. I guess that's okay - I can save up the money while I can afford to, and that will really help out in the long run. About the new job thing I was just recalling how this place works with my schedule pretty well. I'm sure another company would too. Maybe I should visit the career info day at the college - those are the companies that would surely be the most accommodating. I need to get my butt in gear and get resumes ready for that auspicious occasion! I don't want to commit to anything - apparently! I was writing a bit on a story idea that I had the other day and even that seemed like too much work!

February 15, 2001

I've had some projects today - cool. I have a weird pain in the chest, but I don't think it's in the heart area. Last night I was a bit dizzy after watching my shows. I've also had a few sharp cramps. I'm falling apart here! OHYES! Hank asked me to lunch. All I can say is that there are a lot of lonely and desperate guys out there! How else could I explain why people ask me out? Again I'll have to work in the phrase "the guy I'm seeing."

February 16, 2001

I officially HATE my hair! Specifically, the bangs look awful! At work, I was alone for a bit - just enough time to be frustrated with the HW! As I said, I'm planning to go to the movie. It sounds great! I'm trying not to read too much about it, so I will not have preconceived notions about it. Sara said that it has subtitles. That's okay - I can read! Roger Ebert gave it his highest rating, and it's an action flick. I'm looking forward to it! I hope that the weather doesn't get bad enough to mess up my movie viewing!

February 20, 2001

I simply cannot say how wonderful it was to be off yesterday! It would have been more wonderful if I hadn't been so lazy and done all of my homework! Oh well, that's life! I went to see a movie with John on Sunday. I did tell him that I have no intention of "fooling around." That probably hurt his feelings, but it's so much better to be honest. I was feeling a bit sad about Ray last night, then I thought, "Well, if I've learned anything from it then it wasn't a complete waste of time." We can see what I've learned from it by how I act!

Referring to my hair: it's too short. I'm mystified how one is supposed to get "regular trims" AND grow one's hair long! Hair grows about a half-inch in two months. If one gets a trim as suggested every FIVE WEEKS, one's hair will keep shrinking! I don't know about all that, but I plan to wait a good while before my next visit!

I woke up this morning about 3:30 breathing very fast. I can't remember if I was having a dream where I was excited or scared. I've just about decided that my chest pain is in the lungs - today and yesterday I've had a brief little pain in the right chest area. I need to have that checked out. I need to quite writing that and do it! I don't know what to tell them: "It's not major pain, it's just ... UH..ER ... not right?" Just thinking that it doesn't feel right is what motivates me to want to have it checked! When can I though? I'm a bit scared too - what if it's something major? I know: if it's major I need to know so I can do something about it. I can definitely tell when the "something" pain is there and when it's not. It keeps reoccurring. I was trying to look up symptoms and illnesses but the net is not responding. I know I need to talk to the doctor anyway to know for sure. Knowing Dr. B he wouldn't be much help anyway! At least maybe he'd run some tests - I'd like to know what it is. I think it's some sort of infection.

February 21, 2001

I need to do this HW, but I'm still so lazy! The problems are so long, and I keep looking at them and getting nowhere!

I feel pretty good about the talk I had with John - I told him the TRUTH truth, but I'm not sure he understood it. I should probably tell him that we are going nowhere. I respect that he asks me bluntly what he wants to know. I don't do that to people because I'm afraid that I'll hear bad news! Knowing for sure has got to be better than worrying about it!

There's Hank calling right on schedule to see about lunch tomorrow. I said yes - I plan to say that I'm seeing someone and offer to go Dutch. HOW do I get myself into these things? I could email him to that effect - better not. I'll wear my hair back and one of my librarian outfits. Thank goodness that I don't have this faboo gypsy outfit on. It would be too much for him! Seriously - WHEN will that guy from Angel come and take me away from all of this! Forget him: when will SOMEONE THAT I'M ATTRACTED TO ask me out? I was thinking yesterday like I've thought before that I don't know what I'd do if I dated someone that I really liked and it didn't work out. It hasn't happened yet, but theoretically it could.

I think that Hank thinks that I'm some sleazy thing because of the jokes he's sent. WRONGO!

About John, I know that he's getting too attached to me. I'm wrong for hanging out with him. What can I say? I need to tell him that I don't think I can be what he wants me to.

I got what could be a flirty email from Gary saying that all I "have to do is beg" - for the timecards! I got that yesterday after I was reading about the movie Cruel Intentions and I felt slinky and sexy. As I thought about it I wondered if those guys have been talking [to] Gary [about me]. I hope not! He's great - at least what I casually know of him is great! He's cute and nice and (of course) married.

February 22, 2001

I'm surprised that I haven't written before now. With Hank, what can I say? I insinuated that Ray is my boyfriend. I think that's kinder than "I don't want to go out with you." But if it's not true, I guess I shouldn't cop out with that. I was late returning from lunch - I'll stay over a bit. After all, I have a whole lot of nothing to do here!

Last night at class, Mark told me green is my color. What is up with all of these flirty guys? And not one of them meets my criteria! I need to wear a ring, or a shirt that says, "Back off! I'm bitter!"

In other news, I posted a message on the Charmed board that asks if anyone else notices how similar Charmed is to B&A these days. I like the show too, but I've picked up the habit of questioning the plot development of shows that I watch.

February 23, 2001

Well, for mentioning his name that's what I get: I saw Ray's car at LH yesterday. He was probably just eating out with the kids and visiting his alcoholic buddies. At work, I'm early as I planned. Cool!

I'm having that behind the breastbone discomfort again. I so need to have that checked out! I don't think about it when it's not doing anything. It doesn't seem to be the same pain twice! I noticed yesterday that there was a bit of a cramp/pulling when I was having hunger pangs. WHEN can I have it checked? I need to check it soon! It's been bothering/annoying me most of the day! I dread the thought of answering the doctor's embarrassingly personal questions, but I guess he needs to know.

February 26, 2001

Well, I didn't have too much heart situation over the weekend. This morning I left for work early and got caught in traffic so I was about 10 minutes late. I must've left one of the HW probs that I worked so hard on at home. In happy news I was up and moving at a reasonable time this morning. I've worn the Partridge Skirt outfit. I don't like to over-wear it because it's slightly risque in my opinion. It's also ultra-feminine.

February 27, 2001

I must have PMS because everything since last night is annoying me! I think he is way too attached to me - I need to nip that in the bud right away! That situation (with John) is even bringing me down when I'm not around him! And Michelle advises me to date everyone and be a "shopper" - "player is too harsh of a word." I've done the dating a bunch of guys thing and I don't know if anything could make me feel more lonely than that! When I'm by myself, I think how I'm basically lying to all of them! I wouldn't want to be one of someone's dating harem!

Hello! I'm looking at jobs and companies that could possibly hire me as an intern! (I think I have to take/pass the FE before I can be an intern. I'll ask about that!) That would be the best! After reading those descriptions it's hard to come back down to reality! At least that gives me something to shoot and work for!

March 1, 2001

Hank came over to move stuff. He told me that [other work guy] said for Hank to kiss ME hello. Then they both agreed that I have "full, kissable lips." YUCK! Part of me is repulsed and yet part of me is flattered that they think that. Hank wanted me to call [other work guy] and act like I'd kissed Hank! Sure - NOT! I KNEW they were over there talking about me! I hate to think that KMW knows about me going to lunch with Hank. Does Gary know? EH, what if he does? He's married anyway! He can sit there and be sick with grief that I'm "single and ready to mingle!" Speaking of which there was a (seemingly) handsome and charming man sitting over by where we store the hand trucks. I wonder if he's single; if I'm attracted to him, he's probably married! I was racking my brain trying to think of a way to chat with him further while the moment was there. I guess I missed it. That's the story of my life!

WOW - what any episode of Angel that was! It was wonderful! I must watch it again soon!

March 2, 2001

I am totally planning to tell John, when he wants to hang out and make out that it is a dead end street and I'm not playing that! I could say "If we hang out much more I don't think I can control myself." LOL! He'd probably buy it too! I see a lot of parallels between me/Ray and John/me.

March 5, 2001

Again, not much heart situation over the weekend and so far so good today! I've had projects and managed to look at my test material on my lunch break. I'll be glad to have the test over!

March 6, 2001

I felt that the test was tough but fair. At work, it appears that we're going to move to a HUB zone that is about three minutes from here. It's not exactly what I was hoping for! Rocky's attitude is irking me. Hank's asked me to lunch. I'd like to go - what's not to like about a free lunch - but I don't think I should go! I need to answer soon. I emailed Michelle yesterday and didn't mention dating at all; I just told her what a good mood I was in and how things were going really well. "What am I - flypaper for freaks?"

I feel slinky and pretty today.

I was just thinking how I'd rather eat an honest lunch alone than go out with someone feeling like I did about the lunch with Hank. I need to decline without lying. I told him before that I'm in a "weird relationship place" and don't want to lead people on. I thanked him but said that I'm in a WRP and feel a bit guilty about seeing other people. As rejections go, I like to think that's a pretty kind one! Of course, nothing's good about news we don't want to hear! As fuel to my resolve to decline, I recalled how they all seem to be talking about me there. I'm reminded of a cartoon that I saw where the lady being asked out told the guy, "It bothers me that you're asking me out because it says that you believe that we are equals." That's a bit cold but true! Forget the "equals" part - it implies that he thinks that we are in some way compatible.

March 7, 2001

I can't tell if I'm having heart situation or what. I need to have that checked. (I need to have that copyrighted - I write it so much!) I really hope they'll go to wherever so I can prep for my homework. I've done 2 probs. I haven't heard from John: I'm pretty glad. I'm guessing he hasn't had any money. "I don't want no SCRUB!"

March 8, 2001

Speaking of which, RAY tried to call yesterday! None of us were home - his number was on the caller ID. I don't believe it! Isn't that how it goes with us? As soon as I think that I'm strong and over him, there he is BACK AGAIN! I don't know what he wanted, but I'd be downright foolish to see him again. I'd like to see how he's doing and what he's up to, but it would be crazy to get back into that whole scene again. I was thinking a few days ago that I could picture myself firmly declining if he showed up out of the blue again. When it comes down to actually saying "It's probably not a good idea" I don't know if I can! I need to - I firmly believe that! He needs to know that he can't just show up out of the blue and expect me to keep taking him back to my own hurt! I am still very angry with him and I could not trust him the last time we went through this phase. I'm very glad that I wasn't there when he called - that way I have time to strengthen my resolve. Who knows: he might not even call again. I had just thought yesterday how I must have been wrong when I told Sara that it would be over as easy as just leaving a message. SAY NO! JUMP OFF THE SHELF! GET YOUR CLOSURE!

I had a nagging thought: what if he's calling to tell me he's discovered that he has some communicable disease?

I need to write on that story to remind myself how bad I felt during that time! I need to really cough up the words this time!

LOOK at this! I'm fretting again and all he did was try to call! I need to just do it: decline to see him and not look back!

I'm hating work today and do NOT want to be here!!!!!!!! At the gig, at first John seemed a bit cool/hateful. Later when I saw him, he cheerily said that I shouldn't forget the concert on Friday. I'm excited to be going with him! I must be slightly hormonal, I was really in the mood to smooch. I was even thinking of smooching with Ray, then the next minute I'd think of tearfully telling him that we are SO over! John slipped out on me - that's probably good. Talk about mixed signals!

March 9, 2001

I haven't seen his car at LH. I wonder if he left town again. I'd say there's a pretty good chance of that! Michelle felt compelled to write, "DO NOT CALL HIM BACK."

In other news before my gig tonight, it'll be all about me! I plan to see a movie, then go looking/shopping. At work today, I'm reading and taking notes in Chapter 4. MA had something come up and has to go have tests at the hospital. I hope that she's okay!


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