May 30 - December 22, 2000

I started these ramblings in an MS Word document (a.k.a. the "atwork" journal) because although I was at work, I needed to get things off of my chest; I was dating a guy that was completely wrong for me, and I was realizing more and more how true that was. Later I deleted a lot of the frettings because they were so pointless, but I kept a few so I'd remember how far I've come.

May 30, 2000

I'm in a pretty bitter place -- thinking too much, no doubt. As I was writing that (deleted stuff), I felt so free -- like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. All the worrying and fretting, now it's so clear what I should have done long ago. I took Ray's picture off my desk.

Also, I planned to go to that Business Symposium with Darrell; wouldn't you know they say, "we need someone here to answer the phone." So Billy gets to go to the symposium, after I wore my best dress! Some stranger even complimented me on it this morning in the hall. I sure am peevish today. (What a surprise!) Billy complimented me on it, too; he asked why I was "all pretty in red" today.

June 19, 2000

I went to Ray's yesterday to get a videotape -- his place was rather messy. It looked like he was moving. I've tried to call four times -- no answer. He had my stuff piled up in a corner. I guess he's officially over us. But why doesn't he tell me? When we speak he tries to sound semi-optimistic about us. He doesn't have to if that's not how he feels! Anyone else who read that would've advised me to dump him then, when I first started debating with myself over it. Call me crazy but I feel like I did the right thing. Even now, I don't want to be another one who's rejected him and hurt him.

June 27, 2000

He stopped by the house Friday when I wasn't there and left my stuff. I was so mad at how rude that was! Then I discover that he was moving -- back in with his mother. I know he hates that. However, it was so very rude of him to drop that stuff off when I wasn't home and when he'd be hard to contact for working all weekend.

It is a bit interesting to see the progression. I started out feeling bad about thinking that he and I weren't "meant to be." It rapidly developed into being peeved that he doesn't call, and it turns out that I was RIGHT to read into his not calling to mean that something was wrong! At this point I just don't like feeling that he's unfinished business that might pop back up just as soon as I completely put him out of my mind!

June 28, 2000

I thought earlier that maybe I made some of my previous mistakes so that I'd take some things a little more seriously; I mean, we can hear things said, but they don't really take on much meaning until we've experienced them first hand.

June 30, 2000

I think I may have a problem with compulsively needing to write stuff down. (I even wrote that down!) In other news, I called and cancelled the phone service of Ray's and directed the bill to his new address. It was in his name! That's what happens when I ask them to list it under his name in the phone book/on the caller ID. Really it was his, my name was used to start it because it was cheaper.

July 6, 2000

I'm so lazy and moody and depressed! I'm in one of those moods where nothing is good enough! Darn this nowhere, petty job! Darn the time I wasted on that going nowhere relationship! Darn the fact that [Ray] seems to be hiding from me and I can't/won't tell him not to call me should he ever have the urge. Darn people younger than me making so much more than I do! Darn the time I wasted on that going-nowhere co-op job! (You see where that got me, don't you?) Darn my pitiful check which is sucked away before I even get a chance to spend it! All of my spending money goes to gas! Forget getting ahead, I can't even break even! I want to tell [my boss] I'm not feeling well and just go for the rest of the day. Did I write about the dream where I was kicking Jamie's butt? I think that was anger I feel at Ray. Maybe it was anger I feel at myself - I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER! Reading back, I saw how I cancelled his phone service - that actually makes me feel pretty good. I almost told Sara about it, but I didn't tell her that I was setting it up in my name.

As the perfect example of my wimpiness, I was just thinking how I'd be another person to dump on him. Am I not pathetic? I'm mad and want to tell him so, but I don't want to hurt HIS feelings! Therein lies my dilemma!

In happier news, I've actually been wanting to live closer to home - I still want my own place, but it's nice to be close to my family!

July 12, 2000

One thing I'll say, this whole ordeal is quite a learning experience. I am learning so much about what I want in a relationship and what I don't want. I used to say that if Ray and I broke up I'd never regret the time we spent together because I felt like I was growing as a person and learning how to be in a more successful relationship. It's the most successful one I've had so far; which isn't a bad thing, although it isn't saying much. All of this is also teaching me about the kind of person that I don't want to be. I don't want to be this "I always call first" person who shrinks from confrontation. I don't want to be this person who has the same arguments.

July 17, 2000

I tell you, our relationship is nothing if not predictable. He's back and this time he's "sure" that he wants to be with me. I believe he feels that right now, but I truly don't believe that the feeling will last. Also, I'm still very hesitant to trust him completely knowing that my feelings will more than likely get stomped on.

He commented that I'm looking so good and very confident these days. That's more "I'm over you" than anything, and I'm pretty scared to come out of it!

And I can't even tell Michelle or the people at work about it - they like anyone would say, "Are you crazy?" I hate to talk to Sara about it, because I'll be talking about my doubts and stuff then he shows up and I never indicate it to him.

Enough fretting! Back to HW...

July 18, 2000

Enough HW, back to fretting! Ray gets so emotional about his "love" for me. I can't help thinking that it's temporary and that keeps me pretty distant. I mean, I know for sure that his feelings won't stay on that proverbial plateau. I haven't mentioned that he decided yesterday when he woke up in Birmingham that he couldn't stay there and miss me.

July 20, 2000

So lazy and I need to stop copping out like that! So tonight, Ray and I have a "date." As I said, it's so frightening that his feelings are so strong, and mine are so ... not strong!

July 24, 2000

I wanted to mention how, thinking of the way MA judges Ray, I believe that people are more than the sum of their parts, so-to-speak. That's like stereotype - thinking, "oh, he's just a waiter." Hey, I used to be "just" a waitress! But at no time did it define who I am!

August 1, 2000

Well, we're to this stage already! He's being very nonchalant/neutral about everything, including us! I stopped in to see him yesterday, and he was nice - surprised to see me. He said he was in a Monday vegetative state - not used to working. I found myself thinking fondly of him at work. I really wanted to stop in to see him after work, but I talked myself out of it. I called him as I was about to go to sleep - he sounds so neutral! I am setting myself up for a fall! Yet I can't bear the thought of hurting him and I can't stand it when I think about not getting to see him anymore. But how are we supposed to keep seeing each other the way we are?

August 2, 2000

I'm okay - Ray didn't call, what a surprise. I started off peeved at all of the many little things I have to do. At work though, my mood was vastly improved and I was "rocking and rolling."

August 25, 2000

DRL [from work] saw my driver's license picture - he said that he really liked it - that I looked almost good enough to date. Well, thanks so much! Ironically, I don't believe that I had a boyfriend at the time - that's probably why I looked so happy in the pic.

August 29, 2000

I was working on a résumé for myself - I've decided that my next job must be a step up! I think I'd really like a job in record keeping perhaps as an "engineering aide" although I'm not quite sure what that entails.

And as for Ray what can I say? He is constantly in a bad mood (kind of like I am at work this week!). I don't know what to say to him - I truly don't - so I haven't been real worried about him not calling or what should I tell him. I just take it one day at a time.

August 30, 2000

Ray called last night - said he'd stop by if I wasn't doing anything. I wasn't, so he stopped by. I could tell he was in a sweet mood. He asked again if we were going out of town. I hemmed and hawed and said that sometimes I could see it and sometimes I couldn't. We've made plans to see a movie tonight. Last night, he said, "I don't know why you put up with me, but I'm glad you do." I thought how he truly doesn't know how hard this roller-coaster ride is on me. How can he know? I don't tell him! It hurts me for him to be in that "I love Anne" place while I'm still wondering if we're meant to be. As always, I shouldn't dwell on it. He asked what I want for my birthday - I was wondering what mood he'll be in by then or if we'll even be speaking! I need to decide if I want to take him to my reunion. My guess is that I will plan to.

August 31, 2000

So much stuff! I told Ray last night, casually, how when he's not around my neurotic thoughts reappear, but when I'm around him things seem really good. Last night, we went to see Autumn in New York - I love to watch movies with Ray. In the theatre I had the best, most comfortable "this is right" feeling. Ray noticed I had put my ring on - he'd put on the half necklace that we used to wear.

September 7, 2000

And this whole last minute canceling the flight business is ridiculous!

September 8, 2000

And this whole talking to me before my coffee kicks in is ridiculous! Whenever DRL sees me studying - he tends to soon after give me a laundry list of things (i.e. busy work) that "we" (i.e. I) can do.

September 11, 2000

This morning, KA asked when I came to work for them - could that possibly mean that they're considering a raise? [The money I get-] It's all spent the moment I get it and I truly hate that. (Today's word of the day must be "truly".)

And I hate my hair. I knew when I got the perm that when it started to really (Truly?) grow out it would truly (yes!) look awful and it does! It's so flat on top and so blah on the ends. And the back is so YUCK! I try to comb it out straight and it frizzes out and looks so bad! I'm ashamed for Ray to see it! It looks so bad! And I don't like that I keep apologizing to him for it - I want him to know that I know it doesn't look good and it won't look like that forever! I don't want another perm - Ray offered to pay for half of it again.

September 12, 2000

Yep! And DRL said, "So what's up with Anne?" I was, like, "nothing, what's up with DRL?" He said that's what MA asked yesterday. Sheesh! Can't I get mysterious calls and leave without saying anything and people not think something's up? She thinks that these calls where people that hang up are related to me! Please! MA noticed my dress (BTW - she's noticed and complemented it before) - she said that it's very pretty. She mentioned that when her daughter started dating suddenly she wanted to wear nice dresses all of the time. Whatever! She thinks something is going on.

October 2, 2000

Well, Ray didn't call on my birthday. I suppose that's for the best - that's the thought that came to me as I was sobbing on the floor by my bed last night. I was trying to discern why exactly I was crying - it's just the whole changing/wasted my time thing. I printed out "Almost Doesn't Count" and when I want to talk I'll leave that in or on his car with a note to call me. I just can't believe that it's ending this way.

October 5, 2000

I wore my hair down and the gypsy outfit to try to muster up the nerve to leave that note in his car. Watch - his car won't be there. Then I'll leave it tomorrow! He keeps parking by the road - great, so everyone driving by can see me. Whatever!

October 9, 2000

I left the note for him on Friday. He didn't call - I tried not to fret over it because he was probably working doubles and/or didn't want to get into it with me before he went to work. Last week I took Ray's picture off of my desk and wall at home.

October 16, 2000

Well, Friday was as always a good day for me. I did stop in to see Ray. He was standing right at the door - how perfect is that? He insisted I sit down and have some tea. He remembered after we'd been talking 10 or 20 minutes that he forgot my birthday - like I didn't know! He had the LH [the restaurant where Ray works, The Longhorn Steakhouse] gang sing to me. Thanks so much. I asked about the picture - which was my whole point for going. He said he would bring it on Sunday.

I will say that I was very glad I stopped in to see him on Friday. I woke up the next morning and thought that I was very glad I talked to him. Maybe part of my not fretting campaign should include not writing so much AND taking a more active approach to these few times I plan to see him. That would include approaching him first and not waiting for him to call; it would also include not creating situations to be mad over when he doesn't call. Maybe I should write 100 times: "Ray has other things going on in his life; it's NOT all about me!"

December 18, 2000

So he called me out of the blue on Saturday and suggested we get together on Sunday. I waited and waited; I even tried to call him TWICE. Both times his mom said that he was outside. He never called me back. As I was blubbering in the bathroom I realized that it's over. Had he called I was going to say that I want a divorce. He didn't call so I'll either leave a note that says "GOODBYE" or stop in to say goodbye. I think I need to see him and say it, assuming I don't wimp out. I get a bit sad thinking how handsome he is and how he can be unbelievably sweet when he wants to. But knowing how I've been feeling and knowing that he deliberately did not call me yesterday. That is too much; I'm so sick of these games! I need to look him in the eye and say, "Goodbye."

I still haven't registered for classes and I don't even want to! What is the point - I'm stupid! I should give up on engineering and become a doorstop! Considering my experience with Ray I should become a doormat!

December 20, 2000

I stopped in to see Ray yesterday. I wasn't as cool or as brief as I wanted to be. I find myself doing what I don't want to - not telling him "goodbye" but harping on "you stood me up." What is the point? I really don't think there's anything to say that could make me feel better. As I said, when he's nice I can't seem to be harsh. I don't want to hurt him but I want to tell him the truth, which is I can't think of anything he could say that will make me trust him.

I'm glad I stopped in, although I realized that I couldn't really talk to him about stuff at work.

December 22, 2000

I am so ready to end it with him. I wrote to Michelle and wound up rambling on - sorry! When I got here, KA was, like, "We gave KMW your phone number - is that okay?" What can I say to that? "It's okay." So if any guy calls and asks, will they give them my number? What did they always tell me? "Do not give out the employees' information." They just want me to get together with KMW. Did he not tell MA that he has a girlfriend? I'm also peeved at KMW! If you want someone's number, you ask her or look in the phone book! You don't call their boss and ask, just because you're tight with them.

OH! KMW told MA that he and I and two others were going to a movie. MA said that it was nice that I was going out with friends. She asked if I have friends that I hang out with from UAH. Is she spooked because I wore all black today?

I keep getting light-headed when I stand up. Could it be caffeine withdrawal?


< Previous Entries

List of Entries Journal Index

Next Entries >

F O O T · N O T E D