January 1 - April 23, 2007

January 1, 2007
a year in review

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Visited the midwest, specifically Nebraska

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I think I resolved to gripe less at work. I'm happy to report that, before I left my old job, I did a fairly good job of complaining less by looking forward to when I'd get a new job. (At my new job, it's been pretty easy to gripe less; I'm still just happy to be there, so if some problem arises, I just try to deal with it.)

For 2007, I have a few goals: finish some website projects, learn more at work, and - like the Bible says - "be happy and do good." (Ecc. 3:12)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Thankfully!

5. What countries did you visit?

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
More clothes for work

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 7, because that was when I started my new job :dance of joy:

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting a new job :throws confetti:

9. What was your biggest failure?
I was a big-time jerk to someone at my old job.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Illness, yes, but nothing terrible

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I helped Mom pay for redoing our bathroom.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My mother. She was very helpful and encouraging - as always - but especially as I moved an hour away to start a new job.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Wanda, at my old job. She was a very opinionated person, and being around her got on my nerves like no one else in recent memory.

14. Where did most of your money go?
To getting things for my new apartment

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
At the risk of repeating myself: getting a new job! (I'd been looking for over two years, since I graduated from college.)

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
"Love You" by Jack Ingram, because I first heard that song (and first heard of Jack Ingram!) when I saw the video during my October trip to Nebraska.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder? Happier
Older or wiser? Um, both?
Thinner or fatter? Maybe a little fatter
Richer or poorer? Richer, since I finally got an entry-level job in the engineering field

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Reviewing things I learned in school to help refresh my knowledge of engineering principles

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being peeved over others' perceived attitudes

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Opened presents, took some pictures, and - taking a break from the usual - drove with my mother and sister so they could see my new apartment. I also worked on this meme.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
I stayed in love.

22. How many one-night stands?

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Current programs? None. But thanks to DVDs, I'm falling in love again with my old favorites: MacGyver, Quantum Leap, Moonlighting, The Young Riders...

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

25. What was the best book you read?
I spent most of my book time working sudoku puzzles.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Weird Al's "White and Nerdy" video - too funny!

27. What did you want and get?
A new job!

28. What did you want and not get?
A new job close to home, but you know, that might have been a blessing in disguise

29. What was your favorite film of the year?
X-men III

30. What did you do on your birthday?
I went shopping, and for a change my sister was able to go with me. In the evening, I watched my favorite episode of Moonlighting: Atomic Shakespeare.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If my boyfriend had a slightly less superior attitude. It's not terrible, but from little things he says, it seems that he truly believes his way of doing things is best. Since I tend to try to see the other side of an issue, I can't relate, and I often find him a bit critical.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Same as always: more classic than trendy

33. What kept you sane?
My faith and talking to my family

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
A movie character: Wolverine from the X-men movie series

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
I'm not really political...

36. Who did you miss?
Cassandra and Mary from my old job

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Kelly, from my new job

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Instead of griping about a problem, realize that "it is what it is", and try to deal with it the best you can.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Tough times don't last. Lovers do. Baby, don't give up on me and you. 'Cause trouble's just a storm that's gonna pass." (from Tough Times Don't Last, by Bad English)

January 10, 2007
» I guess that's why they call it work

The particular frustrations of my job:

Them: "You know this thing that you've never seen before?"

Me: "Um, no..."

Them: "Okay, just go ahead and design it. And if you ask a question? We'll only give you a short, insufficient answer, so you probably shouldn't even bother. While you're at it, go ahead and invent a perpetual motion machine as well."

Me: (thoroughly overwhelmed and frustrated)

No, I don't expect my entry-level engineering job to be easy, but I *was* under the impression that I would get the teensiest bit of help. The above conversation is only slightly exaggerated: they task me with something I've never done before and very little to go on. So I finally crank out something. They review it and tell me I'm wrong, but I'm still just as clueless on how to fix it.

Perhaps I should be flattered that they think I know so much, but at the same time, I keep recalling how one of my interviewers told me to "take everything you learned in school and throw it out the window." Well, since I have no work experience to replace that tossed-out book-learning, I'm left with barely enough sense to come in out of the rain. :sigh:

January 18, 2007
» dear Michele

From the last email to my friend Michele:

I'm generally falling behind on all of my web-related stuff. The other day, I realized that including the time spent getting ready, almost 12 hours of my day is taken up with work. :boggles: But I did manage to post my Nebraska pictures - and I don't think I sent you the link. I posted them at my "photoblog" since Yahoo pictures doesn't let me post a description of the pic. The link to the first picture is below, and there are 30 pictures (I think), in 3 sets.


And, yes, those are some of the pictures that I was showing Jeff when he fell asleep, so don't drive or operate any heavy machinery after you look at them. Apparently they're better than Nytol. :rollseyes:

January 22, 2007
» sister chats

My sister glances over as I'm looking at last week's TV Guide, with the lovely picture of Kiefer Sutherland on the cover.

Sister: Are you staring at that picture of Kiefer again?

Me (indignant): No.

[I start to flip the pages.]

Me: ...but that is an *excellent* idea!

January 30, 2007
» rock me, Amadeus

Yes, the title is another shameless attempt to get my site to show up on search engines. ;) Hmm, in keeping with that the blog's name, perhaps I should make all the entry titles relevant to song lyrics? Okay, maybe not all of them, but that's definitely something to fall back on when my mind draws a blank.

And lately, as tired as I am, my mind draws a blank quite a bit, especially as I try to sit at the computer after a long day at work. Yet, I soldier on. This week I plan to finish adding the information for the season five MacGyver episodes, and, with that task accomplished, I'll take a wee break from the Mac site to focus on finishing the redesign of another website.

Oh, but I was talking about Mozart. Wasn't I? :reads: Okay, not *technically* . . . but I meant to. I did mention that my mind wanders, right? Right. This is why, starting last night as I'm at the computer, I listened to a CD of Mozart's music as performed by the London Symphony. I purchased it at the Dollar Tree about the time I got my new apartment. I loved the idea of sitting around, oh-so-cultured - hey, stop laughing, it could happen - listening to classical music as I worked sudoku puzzles. So far, I think I've done that only once and with the other classical CD I got: Tchaikovsky. (Man, I wish they'd had a Beethoven instead.)

Anyway, I love to listen to the more current music I loaded on my computer, but it's really hard to focus on MacGyver quotes and episode summaries when I want to stop and sing along with every song that plays. So, it's the lovely, wordless Mozart to the rescue. Hopefully, this will also help me get back to my other goal for getting the classical CDs: being able to identify the works when I hear them. I can picture myself saying in a very posh voice, "Why yes, I believe that *is* the Minuet and Trio from Mozart's Symphony No. 39 in E flat." Note to self: start looking over the names of the pieces as they're playing.

Plus, didn't I hear somewhere that working with classical music in the background can help make one smarter? Yeah, I'm still waiting . . .

February 7, 2007
» a naked face in Omaha

Things at work have slowed down, and *that* makes for some long days.

Unfortunately things have also slowed down at our parent company, so the powers that be have decided that this is the perfect time to continue training Officemate and me. So yes, very soon I'll be making another trip to Nebraska.

Wouldn't you know? Just as the weather here in Alabama is starting to warm up a little, I get to leave that behind and travel to where above freezing is considered a heat wave. Sigh.

Well, I'll go, but I won't be pretty. (Some may think that goes without saying. :shrug: Eye of the beholder, my friends.) I plan to wear no makeup. The minute some arctic blast hits me, my eyes will water and my nose will run, so what would be the point of makeup? Ditto for hairspray, since those chilly gusts will destroy a 'do in record time. I plan to wear one of those knit hats most of the time.

I'm planning to take my digital camera to avoid repeating the worry that I've sent my film through the wrong X-ray equipment. With it being so cold, I can't imagine that I'll be doing much sight-seeing, but since I may get to see more snow than I've ever seen in real life, that will be worth a photo or two. Also, if I don't get some pictures of the Omaha skyline this time, I will consider the trip a complete waste.

February 20, 2007
» back on Earth can feel as cold as ice

My second trip to Nebraska has come and gone, making Nebraska - if I'm not mistaken - the state I've spent the second most time in. :applause and fanfare:

The flights were, happily, uneventful with no major delays. My hotel room was on the second floor (Hmm, there's some sort of second theme going on here...), and it was much quieter than the one I had last time, on the first floor right next to the desk clerk.

As planned, I wore no makeup. I had told myself that there wasn't anyone there for me to impress, and that's true, but I noticed that there are quite a few attractive guys there. I know, I know. I'm the silliest, most unprofessional girl ever. :sigh: But the *really* funny part is that I actually felt attractive too, like the guys I was noticing were noticing me back. :laughs heartily at self: I wouldn't think of pursuing it, but it's kinda nice to feel appreciated, even while recognizing that it's probably all in my head.

Anyway, while I was in Nebraska, the bigwigs announced that they're reorganizing the company a bit. Needless to say, despite their talk that only customer service would be relocated to Nebraska, concern hung in the air, and I felt like a traitor for not being there, even though my absence was not my own doing. Officemate and I emailed quite a bit, letting each other know that we still hadn't heard anything.

Finally he wrote about the three or so guys that were being moved. One of them I've had a teensy crush on, and I really hate to see him go. For reasons I won't go in to, it just seems to me that the bigwigs are doing this guy wrong, and I kept dwelling on the wrongness of it all. That guy was in my thoughts quite a bit, and I can't tell you how many times Milli Vanilli's "Girl, I'm Gonna Miss You" played in my head. (Shut up, it's a good song to angst to.)

As a follow-up to this, when I got back to town, I stopped for groceries on the way to my apartment. And who do I hear calling me as I'm completely absorbed in looking at breakfast bread? Yep, Teensy Crush Guy. (I shudder with embarrassment when I wonder exactly how long he'd been trying to talk to me before I noticed him.) He asked how Nebraska was, and I replied, "Great." He said, "You lie." I conceded, "I lie..." We chatted a bit, and he said something about the transfer. I said, "Oh, so you *are* going then?" He said that he was for a little while.

We parted ways, and I realized that I had been half-hoping he'd hang out for a while, maybe ask me about dinner or something. Yes, we're totally different, and pursuing anything would be foolish, and I have a boyfriend, for Pete's sake ... I'll just say that I had a rather uneasy trip, and seeing TCG after I've thought about him so much this week really caught me by surprise.

Back to the topic of my trip, yesterday, I posted a slideshow with eighteen pictures. I was trying to turn it into a photo essay, but that didn't really work out. (Sorry, but I just couldn't capture myself angst-ing, lol.) So, it's just random photos with comments.


If you don't have time to click through eighteen photos, do you have time for two?

Here's one of me trying to keep warm...

... and my much-sought-after picture of the Omaha skyline.

February 27, 2007
» great-ish expectations

To make a long backstory short, my boyfriend Jeff and I didn't get each other anything for Valentine's Day, if you don't count the souvenir shot glass I brought him from my last trip. I was out of town on the holiday, and the weekend after I returned he had to work, and we don't usually get together during the week because we both work, and oh yeah, I said I was making the backstory short, didn't I.

He had asked if we were doing anything to celebrate after the fact when we finally got together on Saturday, and I said no. I figured this was his way of asking if we were exchanging gifts, and I said that I hadn't planned to. (I brought the shot glass just in case he'd got me something.)

We carried on with our date. However, that evening, he said, "I was telling someone that I've done what every man dreams of and every woman hates: lowered her expectations for Valentine's Day." He actually sounded pleased about it, and THAT? Rubbed me the wrong way! Mainly because I thought he was only half joking. He's mentioned this "lowering expectations" thing before, and I've cautioned him that such a plan could backfire, leaving the woman asking herself, "Why am I with this guy anyway? What has he done for me lately??"

That night, I could hardly sleep, thinking how peeved I was that he would *brag* about me expecting nothing for V-day. I expected nothing because the last Valentine's Day turned into a *huge* disappointment for me when our plans to get together that day fell through. When we finally did get together days later, he brought two gag gifts and an all-occasion card. His actions this year revealed that he hasn't a clue of how I feel about that whole fiasco, for him to be taking it so lightly. I decided I was going to write him an email and express myself.

Fortunately by the time I wrote to him, I was more calm. I tried hard to not be accusatory. I simply explained how after Valentine's Day '06, it became clear to me that he and I see have *very* different ideas about some things, and that revelation left me feeling not-so-connected to him. I wrote that I'd go so far as to say that my expectations were lowered not only for Valentine's Day but for the future of our whole relationship. (Yeah, that was probably the harshest thing I said.) I also told him that in thinking about this, I wondered if since then, perhaps I've been subconsciously trying to lower his expectations of me as well. I added that I don't think that was it. I said that if anything, my attitude toward us is simply a bit more casual than it was at first, and sometimes my actions might reflect that.

I got an email from him yesterday. He said that he really was joking about the lowered expectations, and then he shared a bit about himself (which I will not list here out of respect). I really appreciated him opening up. I took about two hours in reading his reply and writing back to him. Unfortunately, he seemed to be beating himself up for being a bad boyfriend. I wrote that it truly wasn't my intention to cast blame, because I'm certainly not perfect. I added that I think it's a step in the right direction that we've shared these things. Now, maybe we know a little more about where the other is coming from.

March 3, 2007
» hair today

Getting a haircut should be no big deal, right? I mean, people do it every day! A person sits in the chair, talks about what they want, makes some snappy banter while the process is underway, say that they love the result, and go on their merry way after paying, of course.

In my case, prior to actually going, there are several additional steps in which I mope about how I hate having my hair cut because I tend to hate the result. I only go to the stylist when I can bear my hair's current pathetic state no more. But true to form, after the trim, I usually hate the result. This leaves me dreading the next time and scolding myself to find a better place.

Years ago, the only time I liked my hair was after a visit to the salon. Now, I typically hurry home afterward so that no one can see me until I've had the chance to style my hair myself. Even then, I usually wear it up for several days.

Today, this was not the case. I tried a new stylist, and I definitely got a new 'do, but I was ready. I took "before" pictures this morning, and I almost cried over how bad my hair looks.

I had decided that instead of saying "long layers" like I usually do, I was just going to say "layers," and see how the stylist interpreted that. I guess I was encouraged that this new person seemed to really listen after asking what I had in mind, because I gushed a bit and made hand gestures to indicate the lengths.

My WORD, she cut quite a bit, but I *really* like it. I took several "after" pictures; my goal is to print them out and show them the next time I go.

Ooh, I just had a sobering thought: tomorrow, I'll have to style my hair myself. :bites lip nervously:

Anyway, I will post pictures tomorrow, when I'm away from this maddeningly-slow dial-up connection.

March 4, 2007
» flipping out

I was a bit disappointed this morning that not a single person at church mentioned my new haircut. Granted, my first attempt at styling it did not go so great, but how bad must it be that people couldn't even do the observation-more-than-a-compliment, "You got a haircut!"

I posted before and after pictures, and this is my argument for it begging comment: at least it looks better than it did before!


Today, I tried curling the ends under. Tomorrow, I will attempt to flip them out.

I'm counting on the guys at work to not let me down and make some sort of comment. Oh, it'll probably be borderline insulting - something along the lines of "Did you get attacked with a weed whacker?" - but I'll comfort myself that they really do like the change, they simply feel they must maintain their cool about it.

March 8, 2007
» save the drama for ... someone else!

For the past week or two, things at work have been kind of up in the air. The guy that trains OfficeMate and me turned in his letter of resignation. As plans were made on how to redistribute his duties, OfficeMate and I decided that this could be a good thing. We both feel that our training has somewhat suffered because of Trainer Guy's constant state of busyness. The change might just do us good.

However. As of today, it looks like TG is staying. I can't help recalling how he sat in our office not-so-long ago and declared that once he turned his notice in, he will NOT pull it back. Oh, really? Apparently, it was all a power play, and I can't tell you how that lessens the respect I had for him. A day or two ago, he declared that if he stays maybe he'll put OfficeMate and me in drafting for a while and let us detail our own buildings. Is that supposed to be a threat? Whatever!

OfficeMate and I have decided that TG is very insecure, and the argument could be made that he's held back in training us because he thinks he'll work himself out of a job. Which, btw, is ridiculous, because it will be years before we're up to speed with him.

About that whole put-us-in-drafting thing. 1) I don't have a problem with that. I enjoy learning new things, and knowing more aspects of the industry can only help me. But 2) I was not hired to draft. I was hired to design buildings, and the higher-ups might have a problem if someone suddenly decides to reassign my duties. And 3) I'm not very proficient with AutoCAD, so I would need extra time to detail even something simple. And 4) as I politely told TG to his face when he tried to scare us with talk of a fast-paced new schedule: they can put down whatever deadline they want for me, but if I know that it's completely unreasonable? It doesn't bother me a bit to not meet it.

Since we're in this time of transition, perhaps OfficeMate and I should sit down and talk with TG about where we're going with this training. Personally, I am going to need more help. TG has had a fairly hands-off approach, which works okay when we're doing something we've seen before, but when there's something new, more step-by-step guidance is needed. Also, when we ask a question, TG is very bad about giving some vague answer, something designed to show that he knows what to do, but he doesn't want to just give us the answer. As a result, we've wasted much frustrating time digging for answers, or as I like to call it "reinventing the wheel".

Before when I've ventured to ask questions only to be blown off with a vague answer, I typically returned to my desk overwhelmed, and I'd sit, sulking, hesitating to ask again. This past week I did that for over two days. Of course, my project was very late, and other departments - not to mention whatever professional reputation I'm trying to develop- suffered because of it. I see now that I can't just wait on this stuff: I'm going to have to make him/them help me, and I'll say it plainly, "I need help on this because I have NO idea what I'm doing." And if I don't feel I'm getting the help I need, I'll go to TG first and try to explain it. If that doesn't work, I'll have to call in a higher power, because I know they're concerned about OfficeMate and me learning more.

OfficeMate goes so far as to say that TG is *trying* to make us look bad. The sad part is that I can sorta see it. Mister, you have NO idea the kind of crummy jobs, bosses, fellow employees, and work environments I have already endured. Beyond that, I refuse to be infected with your drama.

I *will* like my job again.

March 14, 2007
» keep it on the down low

I'm happy to report that my vow to like my job again was realized much sooner than I would have imagined. The day after I wrote the last post, things had really settled down.

People are laughing and cutting up quite a bit, like they did not-so-long ago before the onset of The Drama. For example, at lunch today, Cute Work Guy came in to ask me about a project. Upon seeing that my OfficeMate wasn't there, CWG decided to set a boobytrap for him that involved stretching a rubber band that would hit OM when he moved his computer mouse.

As I kept a watch out the window for OM's truck, CWG busied himself with his diabolical scheme. I teased, "If only you would use your power for good and not evil."

In the course of setting the trap, CWG shot himself with the rubber band in the crotch (!) about five times. He was right in my line of sight, so I couldn't help noticing. Since he wasn't really affected by the shots, each time I'd laugh, offer a sympathetic, "Ouch!" and modestly look away. At one point, I said, "You're *really* suffering for your art." He said, "I keep shooting my belt buckle." I said, "Thank goodness for the belt buckle, huh." (Hmm, I do flirt a bit with CWG, but was that remark on the verge of going too far? Because I really can't tell...)

Anyway, I soon noticed OM's truck in the parking lot. CWG had to hurry to finish the trap. When OM returned, I could barely keep from laughing out loud, just imagining the scene. (No, I'm really not cut out for pranks.) Unfortunately, the rubber band fired at the wrong time when OM moved something else on the desk, and it hit the wall.

But before all that, when CWG first stopped by my desk about the project, I had my page of links open, doing a bit of 'Net surfing - hey, I was on my lunch break, too! - and CWG may have seen the URL of that page. If so, he can find this site.

And if he reads this entry, well, he'll know without a doubt it's me. :waves sheepishly: All I ask, CWG, is that you don't tell anyone that you've found it - especially not me!

March 21, 2007
» great idea, Custer

Perhaps I spoke too soon in the last entry, using "happy" and "job" in the same sentence. Today, I actually shed tears.

Long story short, the guy that trains OfficeMate and me is again threatening to reassign us, this time for two months to work in the factory part of our collective business.

Well, that's a great idea! The higher-ups *finally* start to focus on training OM and me, so of COURSE the next logical step is to put us in a completely new environment where we can start learning a new job from scratch, only so we can do it temporarily!

To me, this smacks of another example of Trainer Guy's playing games, and - given my tendency of late to obsess over things - that frustrates me more than words can say, especially as I sit working in vain on a yet another tough, overdue project. And my typical response to frustration is crying.

I wasn't full out sobbing, just sitting at my computer bravely dabbing my eyes before tears could flow and ruin my makeup. OM was wisely not saying anything to me about it, but I guess the guy that came in to speak to him couldn't ignore it because he asked, "Is she crying?" Without looking at him, I said, "It's sinuses." He didn't buy it.

I finally had to escape to the restroom and collect myself because if you try to talk to me about why I'm crying? I'll only cry more!

But I do appreciate that guy's concern. Frankly, I'm pleasantly surprised at his response. He's just about the last person there I'd expect to show any interest in what was bothering me. I think that makes me appreciate his kindness even more.

Later, he was in to see OM again, and I jokingly threatened to cry. Sounding more like himself, he smiled and snapped, "Eh, quit your whining." :D Then he added seriously that I shouldn't let them get to me.

I'll sure try. In the mean time, I've got a good supply of tissues.

March 27, 2007
» nothin' but a number

Well, the gig jig is up. Cute Work Guy asked how old I am. As before, I tried to avoid telling him, but he really wanted to know. Long story short, he had been told I was 3 years younger, and he's four years younger than that, and for whatever reason, I didn't want him to know how olllllld I really am.

Actually, I know why I didn't want him to know. He's cute (you probably got that from the way I call him Cute Work Guy, huh), and he's fun and flirty, and dang it, somehow him not knowing my real age added to the fantasy. It's like there's who I really am, and then there's the person I was to him. It gave me the briefest chance to reinvent myself for a while, and that was nice.

But, I confessed. Now, it's goodbye "You're as old as my sister," hello, "Wow, you're older than my SISTER!" (No, he didn't say that last part - and if he thought it, he covered nicely.)

Ah, well. It's probably for the best. Now I don't have to worry about my OfficeMate spilling the beans to CWG. CWG pinky-swore to keep my true age secret. That was sweet, but now that he knows, I don't really mind if the others do.

Maybe I'll try embracing reality. For a little while. ;)

April 2, 2007
» What was I thinking?

The aforementioned Cute Work Guy is in a band. I had heard that they would be playing at a nearby bar, and I *really* wanted to go. At first I considered going by myself, but after a bit of mental debate, I opted to invite my boyfriend.

So, we spent last Saturday hanging out, and then we met a few people from work at the bar about ten.

Perhaps it was the way I wore makeup, when I haven't on our dates for a long time. Perhaps my glance lingered on CWG and his fine guitar-playing self a moment too long. Perhaps it was the way I wore a somewhat revealing top, something I haven't done - ever - since my boyfriend and I have been dating. Or perhaps it was the way I purchased that top specifically for this occasion. Whatever the cause, I got the impression that my boyfriend was a bit jealous.

To be honest, if the situation had been reversed, I'm sure I would have been too.

But wait, there were more feelings to be stomped on. I think I've mentioned here that CWG flirts with me a bit. (No, he didn't do it in front of Jeff. He's not a jerk.) Well, thinking yesterday about the previous evening, I got it into my head that I may have hurt CWG's feelings. I hope he doesn't think I was trying to throw the fact that I have a boyfriend in his face. Yeah, I'm probably overestimating my influence on him. At least, I really hope I am.

As I considered my options for going to see him play, taking my boyfriend seemed like the most logical. Saturday is our regular date day, and this way I didn't have to blow him off to go see my latest crush. The bar was over an hour away, plus - hello! - it's a bar, and the idea of going by myself was a bit intimidating. If CWG really was toying with the idea of us being together, I reasoned that him seeing me with Jeff would put an end to that notion. Plus, as I told CWG when he flirtily expressed disappointment that I was bringing my boyfriend, "I've got to, to keep me honest." Insert flirty look at CWG. "I kinda got a thing for guitar players..."

What, a shade too far? Yeah, I thought so, too. :covers face with hands in embarrassment:

At least CWG is out of town this week, so I don't yet have to face him. And when I see Jeff next Saturday, I'll keep any remarks about the previous date to a bare minimum.

April 10, 2007
» one angry man

I've written before that my OfficeMate thinks that the guy who trains us doesn't want us to succeed in our work. Since Trainer Guy's little power play with turning in his notice only to "get talked into staying," it seems that every little thing TG does or says gets OM seething, only - and this is the thing that makes me fear for OM's health - OM doesn't let TG know. He carries on, talking as if everything's alright.

OM gets the most frustrated when he has several projects lined up, particularly when he falls behind on one of them. That has been the case this week, and OM remains positively furious. Yesterday, TG even took over one of OM's jobs to try to help him out, but today OM seethed to me that TG has zero concern for anyone but himself. I didn't point out TG's gesture to the contrary, because, believe me, OM doesn't want to hear it.

OM keeps saying that he's going to send an email to the boss's boss about it. I figure that this will result in the higher-ups asking me for my opinion of the situation. I'm afraid that I see things more from TG's side. From my observations, I truly don't think TG is trying to sabotage us. He's still not overly forthcoming with the help, but if we ask, he does answer the question, and if we still don't get it and ask another question, he'll answer that too. I think OM just hates with every fiber of his being to keep asking for help, so he doesn't. Then he goes back to being furious and frustrated at TG.

OM keeps talking about how that isn't the company for him, and how he'll be glad when he leaves. For his own sake, I pray that he can find the frustration-free workplace he seems to want. Soon.

April 11, 2007
» riding in cars with crushes

Today, about 25 minutes until lunchtime, the power went off. Not much later about eight people were gathered in and around the office of OfficeMate and me because we have windows and, therefore, light.

With no way of knowing when the power would be restored, it was decided that we would go on to lunch. I had brought my lunch, but with no power for the microwave, I joined the group that was going out.

As always, as we're reaching the exit door, someone asks, "Who's driving?" Cute Work Guy volunteers to take one group. He reaches the door first and starts toward his vehicle. I follow, hoping that it's not blatantly obvious that I really, really, really want to ride with him. For some reason, the others lingered by the building, making a list of places to go that might have power, I think.

Still hoping that I'm not being ... blatant, I take the front passenger's seat, as CWG has conveniently left the door open when he moved something. Over the door I call to the others (albeit probably unheard), "Shotgun!"

The only other person who came to ride with us was the other girl. And she's married. :big smile:

Being a good car host, CWG at one point asked if I was hot. (You know, from the heat being cranked out by the vents.) Obviously, he doesn't know me well at all, or he'd know that's a ridiculous question. I'm very rarely hot.

Alas, the ride was not that long, but I will take away three things from it. One, the route we took was one that I travel frequently, and I'm sure I'll look back on that ride often as I pass that way again. Two, his Jeep Whatever-It-Is has the most comfortable seats I've experienced in a very long time. And three, part of his address - sadly, not the apartment number - was visible on a piece of mail on his dashboard.

April 17, 2007
» dear Jeff

from the latest email to my boyfriend:

[I'd just said how I'll probably have to work some hours beyond my regular schedule since the busy season is coming up.]

Me: ... But you know, I don't think I'll mind the [extra] work. Even at my secretarial job I had to work [a few off days] when we had proposal deadlines coming up. I think all jobs will have their busy times that require working some extra. :shrug:

Jeff: Well, all jobs with companies that stay in business, anyway...

Me: Yes, here, I'm talking about jobs that remain jobs. Jobs that are no longer jobs will have to wait for a conversation when we're talking about things that aren't.

April 22, 2007
» under the bus

At work, when someone speaks of throwing a person "under the bus," it basically means that the thrower stabbed someone in the back. (Am I overexplaining there? Sorry. I hadn't heard that expression before my current job.)

Last Wednesday, the guy that trains OfficeMate and me was called into an early meeting with the bigwigs that were visiting from our parent company. Knowing how OM has been threatening to complain about Trainer Guy to the higher-ups, I was a bit concerned. That concern was proved valid when TG greets OM and me after the meeting with, "So, you two threw me under the bus." I replied, "Well, *I* didn't..." OM rambled something about, "All I said was (insert blatant lies playing down what he really said here)."

TG seemed to let it go, but from the way he was acting, I got the impression that inside he was really mad. And I don't blame him. I mean, OM didn't even try to talk to TG about his issues. He went over TG's head - and over our boss's head - to talk to the bosses at the parent company. Imagine how embarrassing for TG to be confronted with those problems when he's thinking that everything is okay.

The thing that ticks me off most about this whole situation is that I don't think TG believes that I wasn't in on it. The one time someone asked me about OM's claims, I was very diplomatic. I said that I think OM just doesn't know how to take TG, which truly is my take on the situation. As I see it, my only betrayal is that I knew that OM was mad and I didn't tell TG about it.

Since that meeting, TG has been coming in to help us more, which is what OM wanted, and I daresay that OM is pretty pleased with himself. Personally, I think he handled the whole thing very badly. I don't think it's exaggerating to say that he's changed everything between us and TG. Oh, sure, TG seems to be playing it down - although he has mentioned it every day since then - but I'd bet money that he'll be watching what we do closely, waiting on the chance to pay us back.

April 23, 2007
» everything and nothing at the same time

The episode in the previous post became just one not-good event of several, resulting in a largely not-good week.

One of the gals at work observed, after our brief conversation the previous day, that I think of my boyfriend mostly, as her grandma liked to say, "Just someone to have dinner with." The person that said this didn't mean it to be harsh, but it made me feel bad, like I'm coldhearted or something. It's bad enough that I have doubts about my relationship as it is, but to hear someone else voice similar thoughts? Ouch.

Knowing what I'm about to write, I feel compelled to preface it by explaining that I attribute the uncertainties about my relationship with my boyfriend to differences that have surfaced in our personalities. If we don't work out, I really don't think it will be because of another person.

Having said that, the other bad things from last week involve my silly infatuations with guys from work.

One of them quit. That would be the one that I mentioned back in February who was transferred to the Nebraska location. To be honest, I'm surprised he didn't leave sooner. He was working out of town for about a month, and I'd say my crushy feelings for him settled down quite a bit while he was gone. But he was in town last week, and I admit, I still find him attractive. He's also helped me out a lot with work, and I really hate to see him go.

The other, well, crush from last week is arguably the silliest and most illogical. Cute Work Guy shared that he's interested in some girl he knows, and he gushed about how cute and smart she is, and for some reason that hurt my feelings. A lot. Yes, I know it could never be with him. I admit I've toyed with the thought multiple times, and every time it's so perfectly clear to me that it would never work out between us. I think about how Buffy rejected an interested guy with something like, "It's just ... doomed. And I can't do doomed *again* right now. I'm sorry."

During the past few months, I've tried to do the mature thing where CWG is concerned and keep my distance. I didn't respond to what I perceived as hints from him about us going out. I told him how old I really am: seven years older than he is. I took my boyfriend to see his band play, so that he could see that we're together. If anyone nipped a potential whatever between us in the bud before it could start, it was me. So why is it that, after hearing about this super-girl, I felt what can only be described as heartbreak?

Leaving work that day, I felt such an overwhelming sense of emptiness, and I was in a funk the next day, too.

Fortunately, I was off work for two days. I went home to see my mother and sister, and a different environment helped give me some perspective. Driving back to my apartment, I was singing - and dancing :blush: - along with the upbeat songs on the radio, trying to decide exactly what it was I was so upset over.


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