July 8 - December 30, 2005

These entries are from multiple sources. See the footnotes for details.

July 8, 2005
» monsters


To the people of London: you have my deepest sympathies - and you are in my prayers.

Thank you for the encouragement after my previous entry. Happily, I haven't had to work near the Unpleasant Ones for the last few gigs; hopefully that trend will continue. :)

Yesterday I went one step beyond my usual (pathetic) job search efforts and I tried looking at monster.com. I haven't been there in a long time because I didn't know that a search could be narrowed to a specific area. My search for "engineering" produced 85 results, but most wanted years of experience and/or were for something other than civil engineering. I saw a few temporary services looking for engineers; I may eventually have to start with something like that - but I really hope not. When I find a job, I want it to be a keeper.

In other news, after *way* too many four-hour-plus sessions at the computer (trying to accomplish some of my website goals), my body is protesting now when I sit at the computer for any length of time. So, I'll be cutting back on website work for a while, or at least mixing an hour of two of computer time with a couple of hours doing something physical like mowing the yard or cleaning something. The good news is that my last big summer project - finishing the episode guide for season two for the MacGyver site - can't be done all at once anyway. Plus, I just might actually get organized in real life!

July 19, 2005 @ 05:14 PM
» I forgot how nice romance is


Yesterday, I was able to work with Jeff. More importantly, I got to talk to him! :dances: About work-related stuff, but we've got to start somewhere, right?

But it's still complicated ... he's so hard to read. I can't tell if he wants me to show interest, or if he's just being managerial with me, or what. Plus, I don't recall ever trying to flirt with and win a guy. Heck, it's been forever since I've even wanted a guy to like me - I've no idea what I'm doing! So far, I'm concentrating on not being a complete dork around him... and even the uncertainty is not so bad.

I guess I'm kind of still in wait-and-see mode. Besides the huge factor of not knowing if he's even interested, there's my nagging fear that I'll find out something that ruins him for me. He could be with someone else, or he could be a huge party-er. Or he could have beliefs that are radically different from mine, or any one of a thousand other things could be there, and I would have to give up on him, because differences like that are usually too big to overcome.

Maybe part of me wants to have to cross him off my list of prospects. (Well, at the moment, he *is* the list!) It would be easier on me because I wouldn't have to wonder where we stand, and where things could go. Plus I wouldn't have to worry if we did get together that it would come to the inevitable bitter end.

But it's SO nice to look forward to seeing someone, and be thrilled just because you get to talk to them. Wow, it's been a long time since I've felt like that. The other day I found myself fretting that he and I would get together and I would like him more than he liked me. This thought lead me to the surprising revelation that I'd *rather* be the one in the relationship who loves more. I wouldn't want it to be one-sided, of course, but to risk it all and just let yourself fall crazily in love with someone? Even if it didn't work out, just to have those feelings for a little while might make it all worth it.

July 28, 2005
» moving right along


Recapping what I've been up to for the last few days ... um .... weeks:

I completed a much-needed overhaul of my resume, and I'm ashamed at the unnecessary junk I had on the last one. Then again, I usually feel that way after I re-do it. The bad news is that I completed that task but I've yet to find a single job to send it in to. But at least I'm ready, if an opportunity comes my way. Plus reviewing my work history and skills is good preparation for an interview, if I ever get one.

All of this self-evaluation - mixed with a cute new manager at work - had me really questioning my self-image. The work stuff had me asking, "All these years ... what have I really done?" I feel as if I'm old and I've accomplished nothing, looking to start a career when other people my age are doctors and such with families. The new manager got me wondering what I really look like to people. Note that it wasn't anything he said; it was more that I found myself wondering if I could actually attract him. Lately when I look in the mirror, I focus on my flaws and just feel so blah. I look at other women with, shall we say, non-small noses (my most non-small flaw) and I wonder if that's what I look like. From face-on I look okay, but from any other angle, my nose looks *awful,* and I started wondering, "So what am I? Attractive or ugly?"

I finally settled the matter for myself by thinking of two guys that I'd been previously attracted to. One was really not much to look at but he was so positive and nice that I developed a huge crush on him. The other had a *fine* bod but his face wasn't super-handsome. You could say he had good angles and bad angles, like me. Plus I always remember an article that I read about how the most attractive (okay, the article used the word "sexy") woman at the office wasn't necessarily the most beautiful one: it was the one who was friendly and most importantly comfortable with herself. I can see that also in the guys I'm attracted to, because if they weren't self-confident, I know I'd find them much less attractive. I like to think that I carry myself with a fair amount of confidence. I sure don't feel it when I look in the mirror, but I just try to be friendly and I don't seem to think about how I look.

Anyway. As mentioned there's a cute new manager at work and I like him. And it's not like just, "Oh, he's cute." The more I learn about him the more I think that he could really be something special. And you know, that scares me to death. I had pretty much given up on thoughts like that because to this point, there was only one guy that I could ever see myself marrying, and that was years ago, and he's married to someone else now. I know I'm premature in thinking things like that about the new guy, but I was just so surprised to find myself thinking that way! At one point I found myself thinking how I'd like to kiss him, and I started to fret that suppose he and I went out and he just wasn't that into me, just as I wasn't that into the last guy who fell for me? The surprising revelations about myself continued because I instantly realized that I'd *rather* be the one who loves more. Of course I don't want it to be one-sided, but to just let yourself go and feel so strongly for someone ... that's the kind of thing they write songs and movies about.

Back to the recap, I've been working quite a bit, especially the last few days. In fact, I was in overtime as I *started* to work yesterday.

I got to work with Jeff (the manager) a little bit during that time, and I tried hard not to fall into that thing I do where I like some guy and just can't seem to talk to him. Fortunately, Jeff's a nice guy and he usually talks to me first, about work. I'm always trying to sneak a peek at him - and I get caught, usually - so I feel that it's obvious that I'm interested. But as I told my friend Michele: I have NO IDEA how to flirt with some guy. Usually if I do like someone, he's taken. Oh! But not long after Jeff started to work, another guy I've worked with for years told me Jeff is single and encouraged me to ask him out. If that's true - and I'm trying not to get my hopes up, knowing how my life goes - suppose Jeff simply doesn't like me that way? So if I say something to definitely show my interest, if he doesn't feel the same . . . things could be awkward at work.

Then came yesterday. I wrote over six pages in my off-line journal about it (with notes for more things to say) because that was the first time I'd gotten to work with and near Jeff for any length of time. I could provide way more details here, but I'll try to briefly summarize the high points. When we broke for lunch, the two of us wound up going to Taco Bell. Yes, just us two, but no, it wasn't really a date because we each paid for our own.

As we walked to the van, as we discussed where to go, I started to say that I am a vegetarian, but he brought up my "dietary restrictions" first. I think I stopped walking for a second, I was so surprised, because I know that I've never told him that. I said, "You know that I'm a vegetarian?" He admitted that "someone" and he had talked about me. I asked who, and it was that flirty guy I've mentioned in this journal before. I should have coyly said, "Should I ask what else he told you?" But I think my mind was still trying to process all of these new developments. I felt a little awkward throughout lunch, but hopefully I didn't act half as dorky as I recall. :cringes:

I think he had mentioned how rumors would start if we were late coming back to lunch because he said something like, "Just think, there could be rumors about you and [flirty guy] if you two had gone to lunch . . . maybe I'm a little better than that." I said confidently," Much better." (Then I thought, "Whoa, that was BOLD!") He said, "Than [flirty guy]?" I said yes, and he took a little bow and thanked me. He must've been encouraged by that because a bit later, I observed that another manager was at the restaurant, and Jeff said with a smile, "You know, I didn't even notice? I've been too interested in my dining companion." :squeals with delight:

Over the course of the day I learned more and more that seems to confirm that we're compatible: he's a few months older than I am, with no kids, a non-smoker - he even has an engineering degree! (As my mom would later remark, "He sounds too good to be true.") I admit that I'm still not certain whether he has a girlfriend, but I'm leaning more along the lines of lines of "no, he doesn't."

I could share more of my musings about the situation, but that's more than enough for now. Anyway, today the most exciting thing I did was go to the dentist, where I learned that one of my fillings - maybe two - will need to be replaced.

It's a thrill a minute in my world, yes? ;)

July 29, 2005 @ 06:40 PM
» workin' on my next broken heart


Well, I was going to ramble on and on about how Jeff and I seem to be flirting with each other, and that scares me to death, wondering where this all will lead.

But about twenty minutes ago I received a call from my scheduler, saying that our main manager is leaving and Jeff might go back to where he was from since there's an opening there. What?! Man, things change fast at that company! The thought that Jeff might leave already saddens me greatly, and seems to prove my point: my liking someone is SO POINTLESS! It never works out ... yes, this is why I don't even bother liking anyone.

I know I'm getting ahead of myself with this pity party, but it seems to make sense. Jeff still lives in his old town; he's been driving in from there to work. Maybe he knew there'd be an opening there, and he was waiting for it. :(

Like I said, most of the morning I was fretting that Jeff was just leading me on for some unknown reason. Does he even like me? Do I really want him? If we got together, how long before we spiraled toward the inevitable breakup? Oh, well. I guess if he leaves, I can return to my comfort zone. And I won't have to worry about finding another job myself. I can take the first opportunity that comes my way in my field, and get on with my life. I'm trying to look on the bright side here ... so why am I still about to cry? I don't even know anything for sure; I just can't help assuming the worst!

I don't work again until Sunday night, so I won't know anything until then - if they even know by then.

I need to try to calm down. .... Amazingly, after writing that, I did calm down a bit. I'm trying to wait until I know something for sure to react. In the mean time, I'll just brace myself for the worst. And I'll try to remind myself that I believe if we're meant to be, we'll somehow wind up together. If not, well, that must be for the best. It just caught me by surprise that things may change like that after changing for the better a mere two days ago.

Okay, I think this rambling is helping. (Never underestimate the power of the journal. :)

I'm trying to think rationally. If I'm right, and there was some real flirting, even if he went back to his home town, we could still get together, maybe, right? I keep going back to: if we're meant to be, we will be. Maybe that's a simplistic, naive view to cling to, but it makes sudden (potential) changes like this easy to manage.

It's going to be a long day and a half ...

August 9, 2005
» workin' on my next broken heart


Thanks to work last Thursday, I wound up hanging around the office for a couple of hours, talking to Jeff and other people. After a couple of nosy co-workers suggested that Jeff take me to lunch the next day, when we were both off, he seemed open to the idea, but nothing specific had been mentioned. But before I left, I drove by where Jeff was standing and stopped to call, "So, are we going to lunch?" He hurried right over and gave me his number (cell phone!) so that I could call and we could make a plan.

According to the plan, we met at eleven at TGIFriday's. We sat there for about two hours, then decided to go walk around the mall and chat. We stayed until 9:30. I like him so much! It seems to me that we're both at the same place, cautiously yet optimistically getting to know each other. To that effect, we're meeting for lunch again next Saturday, and I hope it turns into an all-day thing as well. :D

Again, I thank you for the encouragement! I needed it too, because I had heard rumors that Jeff might be transferred back to his old district. That Thursday at the office, the rumors were proved true; some (crack-smoking) bigwig had decided that Jeff would finish two weeks with us then go back to his old district. However, now that we are going out, it's not that big of a deal. The place he works is less than an hour from my house, and we frequently help them out, and vice versa, so I'll still get to see him. It might even be for the best, so people won't accuse him of playing favorites with me, or whatever.

Anyway. I've returned the comments option to this - no pressure on anyone to comment, though. ;) It's just that the gb is getting quite a bit of spam, so I've had to set it to being moderated for now. :shakes fist at spammers:

August 17, 2005 @ 05:27 PM
» dreamin' with you, here with me


A lot has happened since I last wrote! For one thing, I found out that Jeff *is* being transferred back to his old district. But that's okay, because the same day I found that out, Jeff and I planned our first date. :squeal of delight: On that date, we met for lunch, then just walked around the mall and talked - until the place closed.

The next day as I waited for him to call, I feared for a moment that he wouldn't. Then I thought, "You don't spend ten hours on a date with a person, then not call . . . right?" In any event, he did call. :)

Our second date involved an early brunch followed by stopping by the party at the office. Yes, we endured quite a bit of teasing, which is repeated every time someone new finds out that we're seeing each other.

Yesterday we worked together and went to lunch AND supper together. After supper he followed me home - per my invitation - to see where I live, so he can pick me up for date number three on Saturday. (Do meals during work time count? If so, this Saturday will be date number 7!) Yesterday, we kissed for the second time, standing in my driveway. :squeals again with delight: His lips are warm, and the kiss is firm - VERY nice! :smiles at the memory:

Oh, yesterday we briefly mentioned high school, and I pointed out that I have journals to assist my memories. He said something like, "Oh, you kept a journal in high school?" I was like, "Uh ... yeah." I didn't mention that I've kept a journal *since* high school. :sheepish: I haven't told him yet about my website hobby because he could find my on-line journal, and I just don't want him to have access to that much info at this point.

We don't want to overwhelm the poor fellow. ;)

August 30, 2005
» I love it when a plan ... falls apart


I'm happy to report that things are going well with Jeff. We had our fourth date on Saturday - but who's counting? *g* Personally, I'm still trying to adjust to thinking of myself as part of a couple. The last time I had an actual "boyfriend" was back in 2000; you can read about that disaster. This whole thing with Jeff is so unprecedented for me, and so unexpected. With all of the people that I dated before, there was always something about the situation where I just knew it wouldn't last. As I told my friend Michele, that was probably a self-defense thing on my part; I was scared of getting hurt, so I'd keep my distance emotionally. Even with Jeff, at this point if we didn't work out, I don't think I'd be devastated because I'd believe that it simply wasn't meant to be. But I can seriously picture things working out, and it doesn't even scare me. :) Like I said, I'm more surprised than anything, because I've always said that I never wanted to get married. The idea of meeting someone with all of the qualities I wanted seemed pretty much impossible . . . until I met Jeff.

Anyway! There are other things going on in my life, though - granted - not many. I found a job that I'm qualified for (at least I think I am), so I applied for that. Actually, I applied for this same job several months ago and the automated system told me that I was not selected to be among the top competitors. I suspect that I lacked a certain keyword in my resume, so the computerized system dropped it. Well, it looks as if no "top competitor" was selected, and at that thought, I pause to laugh gleefully. :D Of course, it's also possible that a duplicate position opened. Either way, I really want this job, so I revamped my work history and threw my hat into the proverbial ring. Hopefully I'll make it past the elimination round and hear from them in a month or two after they sort through the applicants.

Also, my former boss called two weeks ago to see if I'd found an engineering job. I admitted that I haven't, and the boss wanted to know if I'd be interested in coming back to my old job, with benefits. Of course, I'll still be looking for a "real" job, but they will need my help in the mean time. Apparently they've won another contract and the one local guy they had will be moving to Louisiana to oversee that project. They're waiting on the win to be official, so it may be another month before they know when/if they need me. I'm crossing my fingers that I hear back about the job I applied for before then. Going back there would seem like a step back, even though it would be helpful to have steady work again. Plus, with the holidays coming, inventory work will soon get very slow.

August 30, 2005
» it's nice to have options ...?


Well, my job-hunting woes are over! Yesterday I received an email from one of the job sites I'm registered at: the email spoke of an "exciting retail sales position" with a ... certain sportswear company. Yeah, that was sarcasm - big time - and to get the tone in which that was said, picture the last three words of the previous sentence said in a most hateful, spitting-them-out way. GRRR! What in the world made that company think my *engineering* background is "a good match" for the positions they're seeking to fill?! I wanted to delete that email with extreme prejudice, but I've filed it in my jobsearch folder as further proof of how severely worthless that job website is.

Happily, I do have other bonified options. First and most important, I found an ad for an engineering job that I really, really want. I've applied for it before, but I think the computerized system dropped me from consideration that time because I didn't have a keyword that they were looking for. Keep in mind that this is an entry-level job, and the only requirement they have listed is a degree in professional engineering, which I have. So, I revamped my resume a bit and threw my hat into the proverbial ring again.

Another practical but less attractive option is to temporarily return to my old job. Yes, that would be the job that frustrated me several times earlier in this blog, and that would be why it's filed as the Less Attractive option. The ex-boss knows that I'm still looking for a real job, but they could use my help in the mean time, starting in about a month. At least the boss said I could work more and would get benefits. Honestly though? I'd prefer not to return. I like my part-time job because a) people know that I know what I'm doing and don't talk to me as if I'm stupid and b) there is actual work to be done at my part-time job. I don't have to sit around and hope some telemarketer calls just to give me something to do.

I've also started keeping my eyes peeled - albeit casually - for opportunites where I could employ my math minor. I haven't found anything to apply for yet in that field, but I like to think that could open another door if this engineering thing doesn't work out. But if I had my druthers, I'd ruther (lol) work in engineering. I even passed the Fundamentals of Engineering exam, which I interpret as validation of my choosing the correct field. If I feel I'm settling for something less, I will not be happy.

So, that sportswear place will just have to look elsewhere. :)

September 19, 2005
» validation


Wahooooo! I just checked the referrers for my Alias site - I do that regularly although I'm not sure why since I don't really know what I'm looking for - and there was a link that kept showing up ... from the official Alias site! They finally linked to me! :weeps for joy: All this time, I've been working so hard only to be overlooked ... but no more! They call the site "Alias Fan Site" but what the heck, that's what most people call it anyway. They describe it as: "A comprehensive site featuring a glossary about the show, notable quotes, episodics and insanely frequent updates." Aw, shucks, ABC - I'll try to make you proud. :)

I really needed some good news. About two weeks ago I found an ad for my potential dream job so I sent them my info, and I'm still waiting to hear back from them. This job situation is starting to wear on me ... sigh. Now my part-time job is offering me other positions; it would probably be smart to take one of them, but I'm SO not interested. I don't want to advance in that job. Why should I waste everyone's time by becoming a manager-in-training?

Things with Jeff are going reasonably well, except I think we're both in the okay-we're-seeing-each-other-now-what stage. That's all I'm going to say about that for now.

Anyway, in return for this honor by ABC I'm off to remove a mean-spirited Top Ten list. I'm actually proud of the list, though, so I'll relocate it to my personal site...

October 4, 2005
» Who? When? Where?


(This entry was lost in the diary-x crash.)

October 13, 2005
» a plethora of help


(This entry was lost in the diary-x crash.)

October 30, 2005
» the horror!


(This entry was lost in the diary-x crash.)

November 2, 2005
» odd man out


Usually I ramble about job stuff here, but I'm breaking with tradition to discuss a personal issue. A guy that I know casually has been lightly flirting with me for several months. He struck up a conversation about my on-going job search, and even though his company doesn't do what I want to do, he insisted that he'd be able to submit my resume for me.

So, I got his email address, but knowing that he was probably just trying to talk to me, I included in my first email to him that I have a boyfriend. (I did so subtly, by saying something about "my boyfriend" suggests whatever about my job hunt.) The guy wrote back, "You have a boyfriend? I was going to ask you out this weekend." Yeah, I kinda suspected he was giving off those signals. But I found it odd that he'd write it so plainly. I was trying to allow him to save face, as they say. But he felt compelled to tell me his plans anyway ... ?

And he persisted in talking to me - and offering advice - about my job hunt. This weekend, he wrote again about that, adding that he would still like to take me out when I'm free. Oh, brother. But you know, I got the impression that he's one of those guys where you're chatting casually and he's pining away for you. Sigh. I wrote back that I may have been unclear, and I explained that I don't want to date anyone but my boyfriend.

So he wrote back that he had told his mother that if things didn't work out between him and me that he simply wouldn't seek to date again. Okay ... um ... *yeah*. For one thing, he's talking to his *mother* about me, who he's only seen casually at church. Maybe she questions him about his dating prospects or something; some parents are nosy like that, but still... I'd rather not know about it. About the "no more dating for him" thing, I don't think he said that to try to evoke pity from me - although it could easily come across that way. Frankly, I support him in that. Before I met my boyfriend, I had pretty much given up on dating; I figured that my standards were so high, they were pretty near impossible to reach, so I was very content with being single. Then, when I didn't expect it, there was my Sweet Baboo, as the people from work call him. :blushes:

I admire that guy for having the nerve to show his interest, but he reminds me of an overeager suitor from a few years ago. I didn't have the boyfriend excuse with that guy, and I really tried to give him a chance, but he was just so clingy and needy that I just couldn't see myself in a relationship with him. I think that even if I was free, I'd feel exactly the same about this guy: he's *so* nice, but he feels more like a brother than someone I'd like to date.

I'm not sure why I feel compelled to write about this, or tell my family. My sister knows the guy too, so I hope she's not offended that he doesn't ask her out. My mother is leery of most guys, and I don't mean to poison her against this one by mentioning his repeatedly voicing his interest. (And only three times doing that, really, aside from casual flirting.) I guess I feel kind of bad to let the guy down. But I don't think I should. I can't tell you how many times I found myself attracted to someone only to be smacked hard with the fact that he was unavailable. As I said, I've done my time, and I was quite content to be single.

Now, I'm actually surprised myself to be so happy in a relationship. I've never had one like this; it's so natural and great. Not perfect of course, but so far beyond any one I've ever been in that I find myself amazed when I stop and think about it. Hopefully that guy can find that with someone too.

November 28, 2005
» I snoozed and loozed


(This entry was lost in the diary-x crash.)

December 7, 2005
» work, not-work, and Wanda


(This entry was lost in the diary-x crash.)

December 7, 2005
» that girl


(This entry was lost in the diary-x crash.)

December 25, 2005 - and so this is Christmas

(chezanne, lost)

» another year in review


I found this blurb by searching google's cache:

Sunday, December 25, 2005 . and so this is Christmas. Yes, it's Christmas, and I'm on the Internet. I've had a busy couple of days, and with *seven* inventories in the next five days, I anticipate more busy-ness to come.

an email from them requesting an interview! I was so ... to set up the interview, the guy from before was ... remembering things correctly - that interview NINE MONTHS ago was the .. that interview NINE MONTHS ago was the ONLY In better news, yesterday Jeff and I had one of ... to go to the Christmas Eve service at his church ...

... to go to the Christmas Eve service at his church ... rambling for now. Merry Christmas!! ( It's okay to say that ...

December 30, 2005
» another year in review


1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Purchased a plane ticket for myself. Traveled west of the Mississippi River.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for 2006?
I don't remember making any resolutions, and I didn't make any this year, but again, my goal is to find a good job

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No - thankfully!

5. What countries did you visit?

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
A good job.

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 14, the day I met Jeff (who is now my boyfriend ;)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Hmm, not a big year for me, achievement-wise. I guess I'd say it was *finally* getting a link to my Alias site, from the official Alias site.

9. What was the best thing you bought?
A great new pair of jeans. I had just about given up on looking!

10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
David, from work, for clueing Jeff in that I like him. ;)

11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mike, from work. He'd persist in flirting with me - and whining about not being able to date me - after I said I wasn't interested.

12. Where did most of your money go?
To my trip to Los Angeles - and it was worth it!

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Meeting the Guys Next Door.

14. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder? Happier
Older or wiser? Um, both?
Thinner or fatter? Fatter. I had to buy the next larger size in jeans.
Richer or poorer? Poorer. I'm still just working part-time.

15. Did you fall in love in 2005?
Yes! :)

16. What was your favorite TV program?
Does MacGyver count?

17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

18. What was the best book you read?
'Pride and Prejudice' by Jane Austen

19. What did you want and get?
(Can't remember!)

20. What did you want and not get?
A new job *grumbles*

21. What did you do on your birthday?
Hung out with Jeff.

22. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Succeeding at getting my house built. (Unfortunately, the job situation put that on hold again.)

23. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
Unchanged from previous years

24. What kept you sane?
My faith - and Jeff

25. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Tobey Maguire

26. What political issue stirred you the most?
I'm not very political...

27. Who was the best new person you met?

28. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
If something is meant to be, it *will* be, even if it doesn't seem possible. Don't give up.

29. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Every long lost dream led me to where you are. Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars pointing me on my way into your loving arms. This much I know is true: that God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you." - Bless the Broken Road, by Rascal Flatts


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