I've always been a fan of David Letterman's Top Ten Lists. In his honor, I'm posting a few of my own.
Top Five Good Things About This Site
5. No lame welcome intro paragraph - just a lame top five list as an attempt to be different.
4. None of those fantastically brilliant graphics that make the average person feel inferior.
3. A webmistress that only updates every few weeks maintains a sense of mystery.
2. The site has plenty of filler to (hopefully) entertain visitors during the time between updates.
1. Guestbook links on every page make leaving comments a breeze.
This was my site intro in a previous layout. (Yeah, I couldn't think of ten things...)
Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Office Christmas Party
10. Eggnog smells suspiciously like Liquid Paper.
9. Anyone caught under mistletoe gets choked by Latrell Sprewell.
8. Because of "corporate downsizing," Santa is only 120 pounds.
7. Only food available is something called "reindeer kebabs."
6. Shady guy ringing bells for something called the "Salvation Navy"
5. All party games involve keeping a careful log of when each needle drops off the tree.
4. For the 16th year in a row, the Canadian band leader has passed out in the eggnog.
3. Thanks to the alcohol-free punch, not a single behind gets photocopied.
2. Christmas tree is just a fat intern in a green sweater.
1. It's held every year on July 23rd.
Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support
10. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
9. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
8. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
7. "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
6. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
5. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
4. "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
3. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
2. "So -- what are you wearing?"
1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
Top Ten Rejected Ways for TV Villains to Die
10. Flung into orbit by giant catapult
9. Exploding toilet
8. Pop rocks and soda
7. Really, really, really big paper cut
6. Crunched between fantastically strong thighs of Ms. Suzanne Somers
5. Practicing new choke hold on self
4. Beaten with chair by a hillbilly on "Jerry Springer"
3. Gets amnesia and forgets to breathe
2. Running with scissors
1. Old age
Top Ten Signs You're Not MacGyver
10. You do good deeds only for yourself.
9. Not once have you had to use your Swiss Army Knife.
8. You're not threatened, shot at, tied up or chased on a regular basis.
7. When something breaks, you usually just buy another to replace it.
6. You "ain't got no use for book-learnin'."
5. You can't remember the last time you lost your memory. (pardon the pun)
4. The only travel involved in your job is a trip down the hall to the restroom.
3. You usually react to problems by whining.
2. You failed high school Physics.
1. You don't have any ex-girlfriends.
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Becoming A Spy
10. Do I look good in black?
9. Would being a spy require me to leave the house?
8. Do they have a dental plan?
7. Is Alias an accurate depiction of the job?
6. What if I got stuck with a lame codename?
5. Am I yet another man in his 40s reacting to a mid-life crisis by becoming a spy?
4. Does my auto insurance cover acts of espionage?
3. Would I make a better James Bond or Austin Powers?
2. Does playing "I Spy" count as previous experience?
1. Can I keep a secret?
Top Ten Dumb Guy Complaints About Angel
10. "Oh, no. Not another show about a vampire with a soul"
9. "Not enough car chases and banjo music"
8. "I expect something, you know, more angelic"
7. "It's clearly not real... is wrestling on?"
6. "My name is Stu -- how come there aren't any demons named Stu?"
5. "Where the heck is Roma Downey?!"
4. "Five seasons and not a single cartoon"
3. "Couldn't focus on the show -- kept thinking about how I blew all my money on the Giants"
2. "I kept trying to talk to Fred, but she ignored me like she's 'all that'"
1. "I haven't seen it yet: vampires is scary!"
Top Ten Reasons ABC Refused To List alias.fannesite At The Official Alias Website
10. Their inexplicable aversion to sites that are regularly updated and have a wide range of original content.
9. My season three comments were a bit too honest.
8. The site doesn't have the word 'addict' in its name, the way most Alias sites seem to.
7. I make up words, and that makes them nervous.
6. They blame me for Fox stealing their wife-swapping show idea.
5. They're trying to alienate the few webmasters who still watch after season three.
4. Too busy smoking crack and thinking of lame new comedy shows for next fall.
3. Monkeys. The ABC website is run by monkeys. (That would explain the consistent spelling and grammatical errors in their episode recaps.)
2. This list hurt the monkeys' feelings.
1. Their big complaint? Too much "site," not enough "fanne."
In ABC's defense, they finally added my site to their list of fansites during the last season of Alias. I thanked them by moving this snarky list away from my Alias site. ;)
Top Ten Things To Do Now That Alias Isn't On
10. Whenever the phone rings, pick it up and whisper, "I'm ready."
9. Take classes to learn other languages, so you'll be prepared for the new season of Alias.
8. If a guy shows up at your office to do repairs, put him in a headlock and demand to know who sent him.
7. One word: stakeout.
6. Explore the comfort of inflatable furniture.
5. Say "Sometimes the truth hurts" whenever you hear the word "truth."
4. Wear a disguise when you leave the house.
3. Make friends with a reporter and tearfully ask him to stop working on a story.
2. Travel from room to room by way of the air ducts.
1. Ask everyone you meet if they'll be your handler.