Top Tens

I'm a long-time fan of David Letterman's Top Ten Lists. In his honor, I'm posting a few of my own: the first four were written by me -- albeit largely inspired by some of his! -- and the rest are a few that particularly amused me... at least they did waaaaaay back when I found them.

The Top Ten Reasons I Need a Shopping Spree

Below is my radio-contest-winning top ten from June of 2000. Alas, I did not win the shopping spree; my prize was a $25 gift certificate to a plaque and engraving shop located in a mall two hours away. I never redeemed it, although I did joke that I could have ordered a plaque that said, "I won WXYZ's radio contest and all I got was this lousy sign." XD In any case, I was thrilled for my list to have been chosen and read on the radio.
Note: numbers 2 and 3 refer to a segment the radio morning show has in which they tell gossip about celebrities. I'm particularly proud of numbers 5 and 7. :)

10. I need new clothes: my boyfriend threatened to use my most comfortable and slightly paint-stained summer-time shirt to check the oil in his car. (I guess he's tired of seeing me wear that shirt.)
9. I'm a college student who works full time and is starting another job to help pay bills; a shopping spree would be a wonderful indulgence.
8. My boss is driving me crazy; I might as well stop by Nashville and shop on the way!
7. I recently got the first perm I've ever had: I'm hoping new clothes will draw attention away from it!
6. I've always wanted to win a radio contest and hear my name announced on the air.
5. I have a ten-year class reunion to attend this summer; I'm still looking for an outfit that says, "No I'm not married and I don't have children, but I look GOOD!"
4. I don't know exactly when I last treated myself to a new outfit, but I'm pretty sure it was before Taco Bell started using that little dog in their commercials.
3. In honor of the celebrities from Dirt of the Day, I want to find clothes that are suitable for such activities as going to court for leaving the scene of an accident, being grossly overpaid for acting out what the sit-com writers write, and appearing on talk shows while complaining about everyone invading my privacy.
2. Along that line, I deserve a reward for NOT behaving like the celebrities from Dirt of the Day. (We all do!)
1. Somehow I keep missing my chance to be a contestant on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?".


Top Ten Reasons ABC Refused To List alias.fannesite At The Official Alias Website

While the TV show Alias was on the air, ABC included links to quite a few fan-run websites on the official Alias page... and yet, my site was repeatedly overlooked. Did I consider my site to be awesomely awesome? No, but neither was every one on their list, and that is probably what miffed me the most. I decided to plead my case -- and vent my annoyance -- in a top ten list.

In ABC's defense, they finally added my site to their list of fansites during the last season of Alias. I thanked them by moving this snarky list away from my Alias site. ;)

10. Their inexplicable aversion to sites that are regularly updated and have a wide range of original content.
9. My season three comments were a bit too honest.
8. The site doesn't have the word 'addict' in its name, the way most Alias sites seem to.
7. I make up words, and that makes them nervous.
6. They blame me for Fox stealing their wife-swapping show idea.
5. They're trying to alienate the few webmasters who still watch after season three.
4. Too busy smoking crack and thinking of lame new comedy shows for next fall.
3. Monkeys. The ABC website is run by monkeys. (That would explain the consistent spelling and grammatical errors in their episode recaps.)
2. This list hurt the monkeys' feelings.
1. Their big complaint? Too much "site," not enough "fanne."


Top Five Good Things About This Site

This was my site intro in a previous layout. (Yeah, I couldn't think of ten things...)

5. No lame welcome intro paragraph -- just a lame top five list as an attempt to be different.
4. None of those fantastically brilliant graphics that make the average person feel inferior.
3. A webmistress that only updates every few weeks maintains a sense of mystery.
2. The site has plenty of filler to (hopefully) entertain visitors during the time between updates.
1. Guestbook links on every page make leaving comments a breeze.


Top Ten Signs You're Not MacGyver

10. You do good deeds only for yourself.
9. Not once have you had to use your Swiss Army Knife.
8. You're not threatened, shot at, tied up or chased on a regular basis.
7. When something breaks, you usually just buy another to replace it.
6. You "ain't got no use for book-learnin'."
5. You can't remember the last time you lost your memory. (pardon the pun)
4. The only travel involved in your job is a trip down the hall to the restroom.
3. You usually react to problems by whining.
2. You failed high school Physics.
1. You don't have any ex-girlfriends.


Top Ten Rejected Ways for TV Villains to Die

10. Flung into orbit by giant catapult
9. Exploding toilet
8. Pop rocks and soda
7. Really, really, really big paper cut
6. Crunched between fantastically strong thighs of Ms. Suzanne Somers
5. Practicing new choke hold on self
4. Beaten with chair by a hillbilly on "Jerry Springer"
3. Gets amnesia and forgets to breathe
2. Running with scissors
1. Old age


Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Office Christmas Party

10. Eggnog smells suspiciously like Liquid Paper.
9. Anyone caught under mistletoe gets choked by Latrell Sprewell.
8. Because of "corporate downsizing," Santa is only 120 pounds.
7. Only food available is something called "reindeer kebabs."
6. Shady guy ringing bells for something called the "Salvation Navy"
5. All party games involve keeping a careful log of when each needle drops off the tree.
4. For the 16th year in a row, the Canadian band leader has passed out in the eggnog.
3. Thanks to the alcohol-free punch, not a single behind gets photocopied.
2. Christmas tree is just a fat intern in a green sweater.
1. It's held every year on July 23rd.


F O O T · N O T E D