MacGyver-Themed Top Tens
Top Ten Rejected Ways for Murdoc to Die
10. Flung into orbit by giant catapult
9. Exploding toilet
8. Pop rocks and soda
7. Really, really, really big paper cut
6. Crunched between fantastically strong thighs of Ms. Suzanne Somers
5. Practicing new choke hold on himself
4. Beaten with chair by a hillbilly on "Jerry Springer"
3. Gets amnesia and forgets to breathe
2. Running with scissors
1. Old age
Top Ten Things MacGyver Would Never Say
10) Murdoc's dead. This time I'm sure of it!
9) Hand me that whatchamacallit and I'll tighten this doohickey.
8) I trust you my friend, Jack Dalton.
7) Do you have a bandage? Because I've got an ow-ie.
6) Sorry, Pete. I'm busy.
5) This plan will never work. We're doomed.
4) H-2-O . . . is that 2 H's or 2 O's?
3) For five bucks, I'll give you my Swiss Army Knife.
2) Duct tape? I don't need no stinkin' duct tape!
1) Will you marry me?
Top Ten Things Murdoc Can Do To Improve His Image
10)After shooting someone, stick around to help with the cleanup
9) Publish a pamphlet teaching people how to have nine lives
8) Travel with a monkey. Everyone loves monkeys
7) When stealing a car, try really hard not to wreck it
6) New strong-arm tactic: take someone to the circus and then threaten to never take them again!
5) Point out that there are *plenty* of people he has not killed
4) Always carry gum, and periodically offer it to strangers
3) Deny committing any crimes. Blame a mysterious one-armed man.
2) Instead of using torture to get his way, try saying "please."
1) Make someone else look worse
Top Ten Signs You're Not MacGyver
10) You do good deeds only for yourself.
9) Not once have you had to use your Swiss Army Knife.
8) You're not threatened, shot at, tied up or chased on a regular basis.
7) When something breaks, you usually just buy another to replace it.
6) You "ain't got no use for book-learnin'."
5) You can't remember the last time you lost your memory. (pardon the pun)
4) The only travel involved in your job is a trip down the hall to the restroom.
3) You usually react to problems by whining.
2) You failed high school Physics.
1) You don't have any ex-girlfriends.
Top Ten Ways to Celebrate the Release of MacGyver on DVD
10) March into Bloomingdale's and announce, "The SAKs are on me!"
9) Send thank you letter to Paramount. Graciously avoid asking what took them so long.
8) Declare the release date a national holiday. Haggle for discounts at stores.
7) Eat your weight in bean sprouts.
6) Travel the world - or the Internet if you're on a budget - looking for locations where MacGyver episodes were filmed.
5) Use duct tape to solve some sort of problem.
4) 50 pounds of butter, a hockey stick, a whole lot of firecrackers, a folding chair, some chips, and your best friend's car.
3) Take the day off work, claiming it's an important cultural occasion.
2) Plant a tree for each and every episode.
1) Say only lines spoken by MacGyver.
Top Ten Things MacGyver worries about
10) Pete bugging him about getting a haircut again
9) Bean sprouts in the fridge changing color
8) Swiss Army Knife; what is THAT attachment for?
7) Yellow truck needs new muffler
6) Does life really exist on other planets
5) Committment
4) Friends may find out what his first name is
3) Will makeshift rewiring to get VCR timer to work hold long enough to record six Bonanza episodes while he's gone
2) Getting a call from Jack Dalton
1) Forgetting exactly where he lives right now
Top Ten Things To Do Since MacGyver's Not On
10) Research Swiss Army Knives to find out which one is just right for you
9) Build a plane in your living room
8) Get around to studying that "Cooking With Tofu" book
7) Find really neat hockey game for computer
6) List reasons why American Gladiators is so bad
5) Have a friend drop by with some wild story of ancient treasure. Let them talk you into helping them and get into lots of trouble finding something which you'll decide is just best left buried anyway
4) Watch The Bachelor (if you're really desperate)
3) Stick in a tape of an old western, fall asleep and have really wild dreams about living back in the old west
2) Put in tape of favorite Mac episode. Send detailed critique to the fanlisting webmistress.
1) Complain
Pete's Top Ten Complaints About MacGyver
10) Other Phoenix operatives jealous becuase Mac is part time and still gets the best assignments
9) Keeps bringing up that story about the camel
8) Has some really weird friends
7) Health food kick sometimes very annoying
6) Makes climbing up ropes seem so easy
5) Plays old Dark Shadows tapes at office parties
4) Keeps forgetting to submit change of address cards to Phoenix records department
3) Makes jokes about DXS
2) Isn't really trying to understand Pete's passion for golf
1) Where does he get off being so darned good-looking
Top Ten Occasions On Which MacGyver Likes to Pretend He's Dexter
10) Scamming loan sharks with fake betting operations
9) Waiting for his plane at the airport
8) Jack's Birthday
7) Science Fiction Conventions
6) Infiltration of the operations of people who swipe submarines
5) Halloween (scares the hell out of the neighbors)
4) Guest spots on Leno's Tonight Show
3) Anytime the DXS calls
2) Buying, trading and selling baseball cards to crooked dealers
1) Blind dates Pete sets him up on
Murdoc's Top Ten Thanksgiving Day Traditions
10) Watch Thanksgiving day parade; think up evil plots involving large BARNEY balloon
9) Send Penny Parker a bouqet of Black Hellebore
8) Quickly switch off football games; never violent enough
7) Wax nostalgic about the Thanksgiving when he assassinated an unwary ambassador
6) Work on resume to send to new organization C.A.N (Carnage And Naughtiness Inc.)
5) Put fake bomb under Jack's bed. Install camera to catch his reaction
4) Buy all the stovetop stuffing at the local grocery stores, so there won't be any when desperate last minute shoppers go looking
3) Make crank call to Pete's house; tell him the DXS is willing to pay him a million dollars if he'll come back
2) Make list of 101 creative ways to kill MacGyver (Well, he works on that everyday)
1) Volunteering at local homeless shelters to strangle Turkeys
MacGyver's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
10) Stop pirating videos of classic westerns
9) Catch Murdoc this year
8) Fight for some environmental issue or other
7) Find favorite Swiss Army Knife; lost in couch
6) Label everything he packs... next time he moves
5) Return overdue library book... "A Hundred Ways To Overcome Procrastination"
4) Watch Penny Parker's latest acting effort; something about a reporter and a super hero
3) Never tell silly camel joke to Pete again
2) Take a nap and dream of being in the old west and going by the unlikely name of Nicodemus Legend
1) Make a commitment
Top Ten Reasons Murdoc Is Not In MacGyver's New Adventure
10) All booked up; assassination in Guam, murder in Saigon, helping out with some smuggling from Cairo to Germany. Just couldn't find a moment
9) Worried that MacGyver might look younger than him
8) Heard it was being shown out of order
7) Plastic surgery sagging a bit; have to get some nips and tucks
6) Between jobs; have money; time to party down
5) Afraid Jack Dalton might be in it
4) Broadway musical "Cleo Rocks" really taking off
3) Villains in "Indiana Jones" type films tend to die in rather gory and much more final ways than those to which he's accustomed
2) Could not think of a hairstyle he hadn't used in the previous confrontations
1) Waiting to see if that Clinton Health Care Plan will cover him
Top Ten Possible Explanations Of Why Murdoc Never Dies
10) What?! If he was really dead, how could there be sequels?
9) He doesn't really exist. He's a figment of Mac's fevered imagination.
Murdoc episodes are only nightmare sequences. This would explain all
the inconsistencies in "Partners", like how Pete and Mac really met (we
know it had something to do with a camel and quicksand) and why Mac
seems more like Dexter in flashback, than the smart aleck that we knew
and loved at the beginning of the series
8) The Highlander Theory - He's an immortal. You gotta decaptitate
him to make it stick. (Thanks to various list folks for this theory,
as I wouldn't know Highlander from a hole in the ground)
7) Good genes
6) He's been taking lessons from the great super-villains, Like the
Master, Lex Luthor, Moriarty, Miguelito Loveless, Stefano DiMera,
Wo Fat, Lina Lamont, Negaduck, Janos Skorzeny.... and getting high
marks, too
5) Pact with the devil
4) He does die... every time. Then the writers and producers of MacGyver
perform an obscure arcane ceremony to bring him back
3) The Forever Knight Theory -- He's a vampire. You gotta pound a stake
through his heart. (I do know Forever Knight from a hole in the ground,
but if Murdoc's a vampire, he's exceedingly poor at it)
2) Clean living?
1) It's in his contract
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