Chez Comedy

Chez Comedy


Signs of Internet Addiction

Letter to an Internet Addict

Hello.

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.

Yes, you--we're talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have you checked downstairs to see if your family still lives with you?

We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly (off-line) meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.

We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:

1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?

2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?

3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?

4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?

5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?

6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?

7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?

8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?

9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?

10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:

1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE

We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.

Call us today. That is, if you can power off to free up your phone line.


* * *

You know you've been online too long when...

- You start introducing yourself as Jim at aol.com.
- Your wife drapes a wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
- You check your mail. It says "no new messages" so you check it again.
- You name your children Eudora, Mozzilla, and Dotcom.
- All of your friends have an @ in their names.
- You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy/Mommy's got work to do".
- You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile. :-)
- As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.


* * *

You Know You're Addicted to the Internet if:

- A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!
- You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
- You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
- You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.
- Tech support calls YOU for help.
- You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
- You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.
- You say......."Where did the time go??"
- You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
- .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......
- Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
- Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
- Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP".
- You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.
- You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.


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