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Chez Comedy

Signs of Trouble

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN:

- A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
- All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
- Nothing you own is actually paid for.
- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
- The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.
- There are enough candles on your cake to set off your smoke alarm.
- The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
- You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.
- You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
- You put both contacts into the same eye.
- You wake up and your braces are stuck together. (Or,
- You wake up and can't remember where you put your teeth).
- Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
- Your children's school calls to surrender.
- Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
- Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.
- Your plants do better when you don't talk to them.
- Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
- You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
- Your suggestion box starts ticking.
- You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
- The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
- The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
- The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

Error Haiku

Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in haiku:

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Rather than a beep,
Or a rude error message,
These words: file not found.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen
Dies so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence;
"My Novel" not found.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Chez Comedy is a rusted-crush production, with grateful acknowledgment to the sources that have helped make this site and this layout possible.