Chez Comedy

Chez Comedy

Top Tens

Top Ten Signs Your Co-worker is a Computer Hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net."

4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among hobbies.

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

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Top Ten Responses to Gifts You Don't Like

10. "Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!"

9. "No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!"

8. "Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I'm happy!"

7. "No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It's a clip-on too!"

6. "You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory -- what's it called again?"

5. "You know what? -- I'm going to find a special place to put this!"

4. "Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!"

3. "And it's such an interesting color too!"

2. "You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!"

1. "You shouldn't have! I mean it -- you really shouldn't have!"

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Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support

10. "So -- what are you wearing?"
9. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
5. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
4. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "...that's right, not even MacGyver could fix it."
2. "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

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Top Ten Signs You May Be Too Fanatical About Coffee

10. The anniversary of your first cup of coffee is dearer to you than your wedding anniversary.
9. You don't make your coffee "Irish." You make your alcohol "Colombian."
8. When you're talking about "trying to quit", you mean sleep, not coffee.
7. You consider the act of decaffeination a crime against nature.
6. Wally from Dilbert is your hero.
5. Above your bed is a poster of Juan Valdez (and his donkey).
4. You got fired from Taco Bell for using refried coffee beans.
3. You can only fall asleep to the sound of fresh beans grinding.
2. 73% of the content you write for BBspot is about coffee or caffeine.
1. You refer to your coffee maker as "my preciouss."

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