Chez Comedy
Kids Say the Darnedest Things
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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
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Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake.' I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand and led him to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
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After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I don't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
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Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot.
She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I know they're my feet."
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On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"
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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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A grandfather was walking past his young granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.
"What are you doing?" he asked her.
She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."
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