Chez Comedy

Chez Comedy

The Wright Stuff

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." Here are some more of his gems:

* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

* Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

* Half the people you know are below average.

* 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

* 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

* OK, so what's the speed of dark?

* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

* Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

* I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

* Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

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