Random Jokes

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."

A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!"

I was alone in the elevator when a voice came on the intercom and asked if any lights on the control panel were lit. The elevator's computer was having problems, the voice explained. As I was replying, a man stepped in and I could see from the expression on his face that he thought I was talking to myself. I told him that I was speaking to the intercom, but, to my dismay, the device remained silent.

"Come on," I pleaded into the speaker. "This guy thinks I'm crazy."

No response. We reached the man's floor and he exited. But just as the door closed, a hearty laugh came over the intercom.

"Did he get off?" the voice asked. "I'm sorry, but I just couldn't resist!"

Morris, a parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory's incompetence, Morris promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just five words: "MORRIS TURN THE BOX OVER."

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?"the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?" I asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds on the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff - church, church, church."

"How did you lose your job at the dress shop?" a woman asked her friend.

"Well, after trying on about 25 dresses, the customer said to me, 'I think I'd look nicer in something flowing.'"

"How did that get you fired?" she asked

I suggested, "How about the Mississippi?"

A man on his deathbed called his friend and said, "I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

His friend asked, "And what, do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The man said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"