Chez Comedy

Chez Comedy

Lessons Learned from Horror Movies

Halloween will be here before you know it. Let us all learn from the mistakes of the fated characters in those cheesy horror flicks.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead. It isn't.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement or attic, especially if the power is out.

4. If your buddies speak to you in any language that they should not know, shoot them immediately. Shooting them will save you much grief in the longrun; however, it will take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This tip also applies to anyone who speaks with someone else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This rule also applies to any other house of the dead.

8. If you are searching for something that caused a loud noise and find out that it was just the cat, get the heck out. Expeditiously.

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits. Again, get the heck out.

10. Do not take anything from the dead. No matter how much you like it, it's bound to disagree with you sooner or later.

11. If you find a town that looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice -- more if you are of the female persuasion. Also, note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness,and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Haddonfield, Transylvania, etc.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to use the telephone. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, You are going to die anyway and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, and ice picks.

18. If you discover that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This rule also applies if the previous inhabitants went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion.

19. When you're leaving your group of friends to venture off into the night, never say "I'll be right back" ... you won't.

20. If you are a female wearing something short and/or slinky ... you are going to die. (Faster if you are a blonde.)

21. If you are running from a monster ... DO NOT look back ...

22. If you drop your flashlight into a hole, under a door, or anywhere you have to reach into blindly ... don't ... your arm will most likely be eaten.

23. If a strange man moves in next door ... do not ... repeat do not ... invite him into your house, nor let him see you peering at him.

Happy Halloween! (Be careful out there!)

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