• Return to Chez Comedy
  for more humor, hijinks, and hilarity.

Chez Comedy

You May Be An Engineering Major

• if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
• if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
• if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
• if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
• if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
• if you think in "math."
• if you have a pet named after a scientist.
• if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
• if you can translate English into Binary.
• if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
• If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
• if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
• if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
• if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
• if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
• if you understood more than five of these indicators.
• if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

What you will learn in Engineering

• You can study hard and still fail
• You can not study and pass
• Multiple choice does not mean easy
• There are no trains here
• Six exams can be written in 4 days, but it hurts
• You can skip all the classes, study for 15 minutes before the final and still do better than an arts student in any arts class
• Pi to six decimal places
• Judging by my fellow students, engineers are either drunks or geeks
• Everyone is someone else's weirdo
• Front Row people are weird
• Those who can, do, those who can't, teach
• A 95.75% can be an A
• An 80.1% can be an A+
• You can kill your neighbors with a 9 volt battery

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

You May Be An Engineer

• If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
• If you can name six Star Trek episodes.
• If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
• If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
• If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
• If you window-shop at Radio Shack.
• If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
• If you have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
• If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
• If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
• If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
• If you can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.
• If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
• If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
• If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
• If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
• If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
• If you always have to explain things by drawing it out on paper or a napkin.
• If, at a traffic intersection, you try to figure out the synchronization pattern between your car's blinkers or wipers and the others'.
• If your four basic food groups are: l. caffeine; 2. fat; 3. sugar; 4.chocolate.
• If you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.
• If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
• If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
• If you have never backed up your hard drive.
• If your IQ is bigger than your weight.
• If your three-year-old child asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.

Engineering Terminologies Explained

A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We truly have no idea what to do.

EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
The company just hired three kids fresh out of college.

CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.

IT IS IN THE PROCESS
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
I can't wait to hear this bull!

SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
Come into my office, I'm lonely.

ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.

ENERGY SAVING
Achieved when the power switch is off.

LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken.

IT IS TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE
I don't feel like doing it.

IT DEPENDS...
Abandon all hope of a useful answer.

THE DATA BITS ARE FLEXED THROUGH A COLLECTIMIZER WHICH STRIPS THE FLOW-GATE ARRAYS INTO VIRTUAL MESSAGE ELEMENTS
I don't know.

Chez Comedy is a rusted-crush production, with grateful acknowledgment to the sources that have helped make this site and this layout possible.