Chez Comedy
Lawyer Jokes
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman pinscher.
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
How can you tell when your lawyer is lying?
His lips move.
Ask a Silly Question...
The following are alleged to be examples of things that were actually said in court. The party of the first part, the webmistress, can neither confirm nor deny these allegations.
* * *
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
* * *
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
* * *
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
* * *
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
* * *
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
* * *
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
* * *
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
* * *
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
* * *
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
* * *
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
* * *
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
* * *
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
* * *
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
* * *
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
* * *
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
* * *
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
* * *
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
* * *
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
* * *
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
* * *
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
* * *
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
Disclaimer: I do not have anything against lawyers, although I have run across some very questionable ones. I know that there are some good lawyers out there; I hope that they can laugh at these jokes.
Chez Comedy is a rusted-crush production, with grateful acknowledgment to the sources that have helped make this site and this layout possible.