Chez Comedy
Quotes
EVERYONE IS A COMEDIAN
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff Foxworthy
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." - Dave Barry
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." - Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Wait a mo.... I could be eating a slow learner." Lynda Montgomery
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." - Roseanne
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" - Richard Jeni
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." -Johnny Carson
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." - Jerry Seinfeld
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." -Oscar Wilde
"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown
"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet," - Robin Williams
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wait a mo ... you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" - Dave Barry
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." - George Carlin
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." - Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot a tension and you get a headache,do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
Chez Comedy is a rusted-crush production, with grateful acknowledgment to the sources that have helped make this site and this layout possible.