Chez Comedy

Chez Comedy

Advice For Women

1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself type.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

16. Don't get excited over nothing and then marry it.

* * *

Pearls of Wisdom

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
[Helen Hayes, at 73]

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
[Janette Barber]

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
[Jan King]

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
[Carrie Snow]

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
[Laurie Kuslansky]

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
[Erma Bombeck]

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
[Bette Davis]

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
[Rhonda Hansome]

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
[Jane Sellman]

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
[Jennifer Unlimited]

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
[Caryn Leschen]

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
[Jennifer Unlimited]

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
[Catherine Aird]

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss and they called ME slow!
[Kathy Buckley]

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde.
[Dolly Parton]

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
[Erica Jong]

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
[Sue Grafton]

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
[Roseanne Barr]

I think - therefore I'm single.
[Lizz Winstead]

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
[Elayne Boosler]

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
[Maryon Pearson]

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
[Gloria Steinem]

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
[Marie Corelli]

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
[Linda Ellerbee]

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
[Zsa Zsa Gabor]

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
[Eleanor Roosevelt]

Chez Comedy is a rusted-crush production, with grateful acknowledgment to the sources that have helped make this site and this layout possible.