Advice For Women
1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself type.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
16. Don't get excited over nothing and then marry it.
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Pearls of Wisdom
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
[Helen Hayes, at 73]
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss and they called ME slow!
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde.
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
I think - therefore I'm single.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
[Zsa Zsa Gabor]
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.