October 3 - December 30, 2004

These entries are from multiple sources. See the footnotes for details.

October 3, 2004
» no respect!


This morning I got up about four-thirty to get ready and go to an inventory at the mall at six. I was there several minutes early, but when I went to the service entrance that we usually use, all of the doors were locked. I drove around to the other side of the building to find the rest of the crew sitting outside. They informed me that the inventory was cancelled: the mall was installing a new air-conditioning unit on the roof and they would not allow us inside. And the people at the store we were scheduled for couldn't tell us this sooner?! I can't believe they didn't know. It's not like the people decided late yesterday evening that they'd rent a helicopter and install the AC unit this morning or something. *grumbles* I went back home and tried in vain to go back to sleep.

Continuing the Day of No Respect, just now I visited the official Alias site, and I decided to check out the fan sites that they have listed. They've added a new site - and that just burns me up! I used to gripe about this a lot, this determination of most of the on-line Alias community to ignore my site, but to know that they're STILL adding sites and STILL not adding mine is like a slap in the face. My site's been open for years. Only a handful of sites have been open longer. And my content must be good because plenty of other sites link to it and/or paste it onto their sites. Yes, some other sites *are* better, but does mine really not deserved to be listed at the official site? Apparently not! Before I read that, I was actually working on a site update for that non-linkworthy site, but you know, suddenly, I'm not in the mood. I've also been working on a new layout for it, but again, I currently find myself with zero inspiration to work on it. (After their *horrible* season three, it's hard enough to find inspiration as it is!)

It's probably the unconventional name that they don't like about my site. I suppose I should have called it Alias Addict, or something similar, like SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT of the other Alias sites out there. *grumbles again* Think outside the box, people!

October 4, 2004 @ 12:16 PM
» Miss Brant? Get me a violin.


Yeah, I'm feeling neglected again but this time I have a good reason. My so-called online friend forgot my birthday! We've been writing to each other for over three years, yet this time it takes my birthday being posted on a message board to remind her.

This after one of those weekends where I really notice how ugly I am. Lately I've been obsessing over a couple of actors; for a laugh I pulled out some of my old fanfiction about previous actors. It worked. I laughed. But then, I realized that currently I couldn't even begin a fanfiction about some handsome actor falling madly in love with me because it is so far outside the realm of the possible . . . my imagination just isn't that good anymore. Sigh.

Plus, yesterday I find that although the official site for a certain fandom is still adding fan sites to their fan sites page, they STILL aren't adding mine. WHY?!? Is it the name? Is my site just really not that good? It's been around for years. It seems to get a lot of visitors. The content must be somewhat good because another site stole most of it, and now THEY get compliments on it! :tears hair out in frustration: Seeing that just makes me want to quit and wait four more weeks before updating . . . but I won't because a fan sent a contribution that I need to add. Plus, I've written a snarky little top ten list, and posting it just might make me feel better.

October 6, 2004
» seems like only it was yesterday


I was going to apologize for not updating for a little while, but if you're familiar with my websites, you know that this is pretty much my standard operating procedure. Hey, some days there's just nothing to say, you know' Other days, that doesn't seem to stop me. lol.

True confession time. Recently I find myself obsessing over a certain group from my childhood. And when I say childhood, I mean I first saw this group when I was twelve, which was about *mumbles a number* years ago. (Do. Not. Ask.) Well, recently I stumbled again upon the fabulous website that someone made for them, and I am smitten all over again with the lead singer. I downloaded just about all of the material that the site has to offer, and I was happily singing the songs as I was trying to go to sleep at night. I reasoned that if I had the songs/band on my mind, I'd dream about the handsome singer, and one night it actually worked!

During one of my obsessive fits, it occurred to me that I'm fixated with the 20-something guy he used to be, but now he's a man. Well, the thought of him as a still handsome but now mature man thrilled me even more. So much for trying to be reasonable about this . . . I went so far as to search on ebay for old videos of the band, and I found one, but it's on DVD. As I have not yet joined the DVD-owning set, I guess I'll just have to wait. At the same time, I don't want to wait too long and miss my window!

I looked at the IMDB for info on the lead singer and his most recent project - to my GREAT surprise - is as one of the executive producers for the Celebrity Poker Showdown. *gasp* (By the way, if you're wondering who it is, that's the only clue I'm going to give.)

I'm thinking of trying to write some fanfiction about him. I wrote quite a bit when I was younger, but somewhere along the way as I grew up, reality set in. Lately, I can't even fathom someone as handsome as he is falling for someone that looks like me. Oh, I sometimes think I look okay, but guys like that don't go for 'okay.' I think if I sat down to write a story about them, I'd just wind up feeling foolish. Heck, I feel foolish for even saying the band's name to my sister, admitting my little crush. Still, I'm enjoying those rare moments where I can forget the self-conscious feelings and just think about him.

October 12, 2004
» Should I stay, or should I go?


I have a job interview on Thursday morning with a large construction company that reportedly has openings "nationwide." When I sent a resume to them it occurred to me that I just might have to take a job somewhere else to gain some experience. Part of me finds the whole idea fascinating; I'd get to live somewhere new. See new things. Maybe I could reinvent myself. And - oh! - I could have my own place!

At the same time, my family and I are really close, and I truly hate the thought of leaving them. Some people might think that's weird. :shrugs: I've lived away from home before, and I know that I *can* - I just prefer not to. To that end, recall that I am planning to build a home on our land near them. In my mind, getting an apartment and moving somewhere else would be such a waste of money, time, and effort.

At this point, I probably shouldn't fret too much about it. I'll just go to the interview and see what they say.

This must be Job Week, because the college is having a career fair tomorrow. They listed the companies that will attend and the majors that they are seeking. I should probably go. *groans* I went to the one they had in the Spring and it was . . . not good. They only had a handful of companies present, and only one or two (none that I cared for) were interested in my major. I wandered around, and I may as well have been invisible. Just to say that I spoke with someone, I stood in line at one booth, but when neither of the representatives even glanced at me, I just left. Tomorrow, even though my stomach turns at the thought, I plan to go practice talking to people. I plan to stop at several booths, even those that aren't seeking my major, and ask if the company ever has a need for civil engineers. Even if they are completely indifferent to me, I've lost nothing, right? That's what I keep telling myself . . .

October 14, 2004
» evening the score


Do you ever feel as if you keep having the same conversation over and over with someone, and every time it's like the first time? That happens to me at work all the time, and it happened again today. The boss asks me for the umpteenth time why I'm preparing a certain invoice a certain way; I give the same answer I have before and wonder whether he should get a tape recorder and record ALL of his conversations for future reference.

However, this time a third monkey enters the game and says that the way that I've been preparing the invoices since January is not correct. Does that bother me? Not at all because I've been told that this way *was* correct. As you can imagine though, the boss is always determined for the blame to fall on me. What. Ever. As I said, my conscience is clear. Plus, the mistake isn't huge, so correcting it shouldn't be a problem. The problem lies in the rules for invoicing, which apparently change according to the way the wind blows and the alignment of the planets on the day in question. :rollseyes:

If I were in a bad mood, this particular aspect of my job would have me so angry that for a brief moment I honestly could not see straight. Happily, today that is not the case. I had a job interview this morning that did not go terribly, and I am dressed to the nines. I might be deluded, but feeling that I look good makes me quite confident. And knowing that I am SO on my way out of that job makes its little annoyances much easier to tolerate.

October 19, 2004 @ 01:51 PM
» in my mind's eye


Today I've been working on a project for the boss; I was working on the same project yesterday, but I kept getting annoyed at how I was having to correct something that the boss has thought was okay for, oh, the ENTIRE YEAR up to this point. And I KNOW that as soon as I finish this, it'll either be wrong and I'll have to re-do it, or the boss simply won't use this new data, having decided that what I've been doing was okay. GRRR.

Yesterday, I admit that the sheer annoyance of it all made me less than productive. I've been good so far today about working on it, but I need to get back to it. I told the boss that I hoped to finish it today.

Anyway. I'm still obsessing over a certain celebrity. (Well, more than one, but one in particular.) I recently found a clue about the location of his latest project, and last night I found myself thinking about going there and hanging out just to hope to see him. Part of me wouldn't want him to see me face-to-face because he's SO handsome, and I'm SO average looking. Also, I'd hate to meet him and find out that he's married, or rude, or something. Even getting past the reasons I'd not want to meet him, I wondered what I could possibly say to him. Ignoring all that, I imagined him noticing me trying to casually watch/stalk him, and him nicely coming over to talk to me. I briefly tried to imagine flirting with him. Successfully. (BLUSH!)

I've decided that I'm in one of those rare moods where I actually long to be in a relationship. Yet, if the opportunity presented itself where I could actually date someone, I'd probably be too scared to even start. My relationship track record is full of pain and losers.

It's probably best that I stick to daydreaming for now.

October 20, 2004
» Nashville Confidential


Last week's career fair was okay. I actually talked to five or six representatives, and while only one of them had a lead on actual job, most of them were nice. Only one seemed to be relishing his perceived position of power, saying to me in a rather self-important tone, "Well, to be honest, I don't think we have anything available for you." Despite that, for some reason he still took a resume and said that they'd "keep it on file." Yeah, he probably trashed it as I walked away from the booth, but believe me, I'm not devastated. Since he appeared to be checking me out at one point as we were talking, I'd rather he not have access to my phone number.

The interview on Thursday went pretty well, except for the fact that the interviewers kept me waiting for fifteen minutes. Then I found out that I'd be talking to two company reps, but I instantly felt at ease when they said that they were "field guys" and not from Human Resources. Since they had several people to talk to, they just had a list of questions to ask, most of those requesting "specific examples" of my being organized, honest, business-oriented, etc. I fear that my answers were less than specific, but - oh, well. The interviewers said that they'd be making recommendations to HR, who would then call people back for a second interview.

I haven't told my family but I learned that taking the job would mean that I could wind up just about anywhere, but it would "probably" be in the southeast, either Huntsville or Nashville. Nashville wouldn't be so bad, since it's only about two hours away. With a little planning, I could probably find some accommodations that wouldn't be too expensive: maybe I could even find a roommate. But I'm really getting ahead of myself, especially since I don't think that the position they have available is the type of work that I want to do. If they call me for the second interview, I'll go and see what they have to offer.

Also in the haven't-told-my-family category: I may be going to visit Los Angeles! Some other members of a certain small fandom and I are talking about getting together. It's looking like the chances of it happening are good, and I'm glad, because I am *thrilled* at the prospect of taking a trip. I don't remember the last time I went anywhere and stayed overnight. As you can imagine, since I'd be traveling across the country, I'd stay for a week or so and see some of the sites. I'm already making a list of people that I'd like to stalk . . . um . . . that is . . . people that I hope to see. *wink*

October 27, 2004 12:38 PM


I still have too many projects going on - I'm thinking of titling my autobiography to reflect that ...


I have a work-related mini-rant. I call it

Get the tickets, Cinderella!!

In this tale, the part of Cinderella will be played by me. The villain will be played by another of the company's employees, who shall be known as Ugly Wicked Step-Employee, or UWSE for short.

Once upon a time, the Ugly Wicked Step-Employee was assigned to travel to Spain on business. He knew exactly the flights that he wanted. He knew the hotel where he wanted to stay. He even knew the dates that he was going to travel, because employers often provide this information when assigning an employee to travel on business. So, UWSE had all the information he needed to secure his travel arrangements.

However, UWSE didn't feel like making his own arrangements. He thought about Cinderella sitting over at her desk, and he thought haughtily, "Harumph! That Cinderella can make the arrangements! She's not doing anything anyway!"

Unknown to UWSE, Cinderella was in fact working on another project for Ugly Wicked Step-Boss.

UWSE sends Cinderella an email, with the travel details, as well as additional instructions for what he wanted. "... and I want a seat near the back of the plane on the isle (sic) - AND I want a room at the hotel on the upper-floor that overlooks the plaza ..." and on and on his list of demands went.

Cinderella, totally unimpressed with UWSE's tone, thought how she "wanted" a great new job and a date with Tobey Maguire, but she knew that you can't always get what you want.

UWSE ended his list of demands with a statement phrased as a question, "So I should expect to hear back from you in about two hours?"

"Hopefully," Cinderella replied in a non-committal tone. Yet, for the sole purpose of not having to talk to UWSE, she put her other project on hold and set about making the plans. She got the ticket for the flights he requested and reserved the room - though she didn't bother with that "overlooking the plaza" part.

Pleased to have accomplished the arrangements so speedily, she emailed the details to UWSE and returned to her regular work. However, upon reading the email UWSE hastily dialed Cinderella's extension, questioning whether she had received the correct rate for the hotel. Cinderella declared that she selected his requested options on the hotel's website when she made the reservation, and if that wasn't correct she truly didn't know how to change it. Undaunted, UWSE said, "Well, please check into that to be sure," and again his tone was more of a command than request.

"Whatever," Cinderella thought, promptly putting the matter out of her mind.

However, the next morning, she found an email from one of the managers. Apparently UWSE's boss was complaining that the plane ticket was too high. Cinderella couldn't believe it! If the plane ticket was too expensive, it certainly wasn't her fault! She had merely entered UWSE's requested flights, and the airline's website had generated the price. There is no "haggle this price" option! Again, Cinderella promptly put the matter out of her mind.

Later, UWSE called, declaring that he had changed the flights and reduced the cost of the ticket. In his ever-haughty tone, he implied that it was her gross incompetence that caused the high price. Hoping that her voice reflected how little she cared, Cinderella simply said a flat, "Thanks."

This story has two morals.
1) When seeking a fellow employee's help with something, do your best to sound appreciative. Remember that it's easy to blow someone off.
2) If you can't follow Moral #1, then make your own travel arrangements!!!

October 30, 2004
» something wicked...


In the spirit of the holiday, I am currently sporting what is quite possibly the world's least flattering/most frightening hairdo. I'd like to say that it was intentional, but I'm afraid that I'm just the victim of a bad hair cut. One of these days, I'm going to remember to take a picture with me to express what I want to my hairstylist.

In better news, today I accomplished a major feat: I completed the episode reviews for my Angel site. Yes, the show did end back in May, and yes, I have been *way* behind. As luck would have it, their final season occurred during my last year at college and I had very little time to devote to website work. That's all behind me, and I'm so glad to have that task complete. Man, I'm really going to miss that show!

Tonight, I have volunteered to usher at the local theatre. They haven't asked me in a while, so I agreed to go, despite the manager's warning that the current play is "SCARY." I hope it isn't that bad, because scary isn't really my thing. (Ironic, isn't it, given that I just said I'm a fan of 'Angel'?) I don't think this will be a problem though. At the risk of sounding overly critical, I usually find even their dramatic attempts to be funny; I'll be looking for the humor tonight to get me through it.

November 2, 2004
» Plan G, or is it H?


Yesterday I found a letter from a company that interviewed me a few weeks ago, and I knew before I even opened it that it wasn't good news. If they were interested they were going to set up a second interview, and I was pretty sure they wouldn't do that by mail. I was right. It was another rejection to add to the pile. Sigh. I had a wry laugh when they closed with something like, "With your experience and qualifications, we know you'll go far." Huh? If I'm so freakin' wonderful, why are you letting me get away?

If I may indulge in a Sour Grapes moment, I wasn't confident that the type of position they described in the interview was the type of work that I wanted to do. So, them not offering me a job means that I don't have to wonder whether accepting it is the right thing to do. Still, another rejection . . . ouch. And now I have to start all over at square one, since I don't have even one prospect at the moment. Sigh again.

At my day job, I'm again thinking how I just want to quit. I have very little to do, and spending all day looking at the clock doesn't exactly leave me feeling fulfilled. If the boss would just say that he's hired an admin assistant for the other office, I'd gladly bow out. However, I don't think he's even looking for anyone until I leave, because he doesn't want to pay two of us. (As if that piddly amount would put the company in the red, or something.) He doesn't seem to want to fire me for fear that I'll try to draw unemployment, despite my assurance that I have a part-time job and minimal expenses at the moment, so I wouldn't even bother with it.

I feel like a broken record, but I do need to quit. And I plan to - soon! Maybe by the end of this month . . .

November 2, 2004 @ 01:30 PM
» rejections all around


As I blogged about at my "blogeasy" yesterday I received another rejection letter following yet another interview. Today I'm trying hard to keep a stiff upper lip, as they say. (What exactly does that mean anyway? Why is a stiff upper lip something that we should aspire to?)

Then I received an email - at an old address that one of my sites used to use - telling me about the newly release "unofficial guide" to a certain fandom. I checked out the Press Release for said guide, and it says that it lists the best sites for that fandom. I'm a bit concerned that they sent this announcement to the email for the lesser site, but they didn't send it to my main site for this fandom. You know what that means, right? That they probably didn't include my site in their list, and that hurts my feelings SO FREAKIN' MUCH!!

I know that I whine about this topic all of the time, but here I go again. I truly don't understand why my site is so rejected. People seem to like it. My site statistics tell me that over 100 people visit the site every day. It's been around for years. The content is worth stealing, apparently, so it must not all suck, yes?

Yet the official site refuses to list it. Not many of the other sites link to it. And now this book has no doubt left it off too, though I truly wonder exactly what sites it did list since most of the older sites for this fandom are not around any more.

That's another thing that hurts my feelings about being ignored by these people: I stuck with that show through a seriously crappy third season. I update my site regularly, and not ONCE have I moved it - even though I'd love to change the name, I'm not going to - so it's easy to find. Yet I can't seem to find approval from the critics. And I know I don't do it for them . . . but that truly makes me want to quit.

While I'm on the topic of rejections, I've been feeling so lonely and yet so extremely ugly recently. I got a bad hair cut last week and I hate to even look in the mirror. I get jealous when I seem someone that's pretty: they truly don't know how lucky/blessed they are. In this culture, society will forgive a woman of anything but being ugly. *puts bag over head*

So this is me. Stuck at my old job - who really wants me to quit so that they don't have to worry about me applying for unemployment. (As if that piddly amount would put the company in the red or something!) Feeling ever so ugly and rejected at finding no validation for something that's supposed to be a hobby. Oh, and I realized on Sunday that I have another crush on yet another man that I can't have. Sometimes I truly think that I'm subconsciously trying to crush on every freakin' male on the face of the earth.

November 8, 2004
» right place, wrong shoes


Yesterday, thanks to an inventory I was in the neighborhood of a local state park. Since it was such a nice sunny and warm day I decided to check out the nature trails. (Apparently other people had that idea too, because the parking lot was pretty full.) I learned that there are three trails, so I opted for the shortest one, which was 1.2 miles. I thought that I would take a lovely brief stroll and be back at my car in about 20 minutes - pardon me while I laugh at how absurd that was. *g*

I would've made it through the trail more quickly had I not kept stopping to venture off the trail and perch on huge rocks that overlook scenic vistas. Even though most of the trees were pretty bare, having lost their leaves, the scenery was still lovely. Unfortunately, I did not have the foresight to bring a better pair of shoes, so by the time I returned to the trail entrance, my feet were really hurting.

As I exited the trail and started for my car, some guy behind me observed that it was a nice day for hiking. I agreed that it was before turning back toward my car. Walking behind me, the guy observed my parking decal from UAH and he said that he also went there. I said that I graduated in May, and he said that he graduated during the summer. We spoke briefly about that, and he finally walked around my car to introduce himself. (His name is Steve.) He said, "So . . . do you like to go hiking? Or to the movies?" At a loss for words, I said a very casual, "Yeah, sometimes . . ." He seemed like an okay guy, but hardly my idea of a dream date. I knew that my clipped up, windblown hair must've looked awful, and that made me wonder if he thought I was desperate or something. And what type of guy would ask someone out mere moments after meeting them? There at the end of the trail was the first time I had seen him all day: for most of the hike I was alone. He told me where he works and said I should drop by if I want to get together sometime.

I got into my car and was surprised to find that I'd been there over two hours. I glanced at the mirror and my hair didn't look nearly as hideous as I expected. Driving away, I thought about that Steve guy and realized that I had forgotten how some people misinterpret polite conversation to mean that someone is truly interested in them. Sigh. Or maybe he figured that if you don't ask, you'll never know.

My other activities for the weekend included adding a new layout to my Christmas site and going on Saturday to take pictures of a local covered bridge. To my surprise, the weather was actually too clear and sunny because most of the pictures did not turn out well. For the next few weeks you can find one of the three okay pictures on the main page of my photolog, and after that I'll move it/them to the Miscellaneous section. I plan to try taking some more pictures on a more overcast day.

November 9, 2004
» Show me the money!


Last week, my boss asked me to order Christmas cards; knowing that the store would want a deposit, I replied that I'd need more money because the small cash advances he keeps giving me keep getting spent. Yesterday the check arrived - at my house for some unknown reason - so I decided to go to the bank then to order the cards this morning. Again, he sent two hundred dollars. I expected the cards to be around half of that (which they were) and I remember thinking that as long as he doesn't want me to order business cards for anyone, I should be okay.

This morning, what do I find? You guessed it! An email from the boss asking me to order business cards for not one but two employees. :screams for five full minutes in frustration: I know the boss thinks that all I do is ask for money but WHY does he not send me more money?! When he gives the other guys in the office an advance, he usually gives them one thousand dollars! But for me it's always 200 at a time. I wrote to him telling him the cost of the cards, but I didn't mention that the business cards will probably be almost $100 as well. Plus I wanted to get 100 seasonal stamps with which to mail the cards, but it looks like now I'll have to make do with regular flag stamps for most of them.

I guess the boss doesn't want me to have too much $$ in case I decide to skip town or something. :rollseyes: Like I'd ruin my good name for a couple hundred dollars! If he thinks that, after all the years I've worked here, I find that beyond insulting. I always list everything I buy with the money he gives, and every cent is accounted for.

I think the other guy in the office has stopped asking the boss for an advance. He simply buys what he needs himself and then gets reimbursed. Well, sorry but I'm not doing that. These expenses are company expenses, and since I'm working very part-time now, I can't really afford to pay those out of my own pocket, even though I would get the money back.

November 15, 2004 @ 01:37 PM
» work jerks


Well, I've gone from being extremely bummed in the last post to being extremely peeved today.

This morning, I found a message left by one of our out-of-state employees at almost six pm last Thursday evening, telling me that for the second time his trip had been cancelled, and could I please cancel the car and hotel. I have told him no less than twice that I do not work on Friday, and clearly his pea-sized brain forgot the time difference between here and there. For some reason, his laziness/brainlessness peeves me way more than it should! His trip was supposed to start *yesterday* and since the hotel reservation for last night wasn't cancelled (by his poor, sorry, supremely helpless self) they'll probably try to charge our company card for that.

His attitude reflects the same one that I COULD NOT STAND when I waited tables. Most customers were decent enough, and then there were those that thought that since I was wearing an apron, they were clearly way better than I. They'd sit there, speaking in the most condescending tones, giving their order as if they were the Queen. Ugh. And this guy, with the TWICE changing the plans at the last minute and insisting that I do it, reminds me of that.

I almost wrote back, "In the future, could you please make your own arrangements? Or at least, have the slightest idea of what you're doing?!" But sending an angry/sarcastic email is generally a bad idea. (Never put it in writing! *winks*)

Then, just a few minutes ago, the HR guy wrote to me, asking me to order flowers for two employees. Get this: he doesn't even know what's wrong with one of them! Oh, sure, o-kay. I'll send a card that says, "We wish you a speedy recovering from your BLANK." :rollseyes: Oh, and in that same tone that the other guy seems to have, the HR guy was all, "Order the flowers and copy me on the receipt." And he added, "Let me know if you need the credit card number again." Um, didn't I just this morning copy him on my reply to the Brainless Employee and note that I'd used HR's card to book the hotel? Did HR think that after that hotel booking I destroyed all evidence of the card number or something? Since I'm supposed to use that card for travel, why on Earth would I not keep a record of it?!

That attitude, where someone feels they have to tell someone else EVERY LITTLE DETAIL is exactly what I'm talking about from my waitress days. My boss is *really* bad about that too, but he is on vacation, so I will not resort to dredging up bad things about him.

Oh! And this morning, as I'm typing my peeved response to BE, the other guy from this office comes in, saying that he'd asked the boss if he should work on the SSC invoice on Thursday (when I gave him most of the work that I already completed) and the boss said no. That too peeved me as I imagined him saying, "Did you want me to finish that? Or should Anna work on that on Monday?" And the boss there reflecting haughtily how I never do anything anyway (IN. HIS. OPINION!) I could go ahead and finish it today. GRRR.

Happily, it's about 1.5 hours until I get to leave. I think that I'm going to leave a bit early to stop on the way home and run an errand for the business - and go take some pictures.

After I order those flowers and email the completed invoice, of course. *glares in the direction of fellow employees*

November 16, 2004
» there and back again


I've been working on my entries for the latest photo scavenger hunt and I've taken pictures for the last five days straight. On Saturday, I even ventured out of state to Pulaski, Tennessee; I thought it would be about thirty minutes away, and though I didn't check the travel time, the distance was about fifty miles one way. I parked near the courthouse square and walked around the "downtown" area. As I walked I noticed that people driving by kept giving me strange looks. What, I'm the first person in a black outfit, a tan baseball hat, and an old pair of Fila's to ever walk around town with a camera? I guess so! :shrugs:

One thing that little excursion did was to remind me that I *really* do not want to have to move somewhere else to work. I had been thinking that it might be fun, but then I re-lived the extensive driving and the loneliness of being in a strange new town. :shudders: So, even though it severely limits my options, I'm concentrating on finding a job that's local.

Oh, yeah. I don't think I mentioned that I received a letter from the company I applied to. As you can probably tell, a letter isn't a good sign, and it wasn't: they were "unable to offer" me a position at this time. They concluded the rejection by saying that with my "education and experience" they are confident that I'll enjoy every success, or something equally lame. Yeah. I'm so educated and experience that they're NOT hiring me. Well, thanks guys, that's VERY comforting. :rollseyes: At least I can again concentrate on jobs near home.

In other non-good news, my mother is having a biopsy done today. A spot showed up in her recent mammogram, and the same spot was more apparent in a follow-up visit the next week, so they wanted to have it checked out. I'm pretty confident that at this early stage, even if there is something, there is plenty of time for the doctors to correct it before it becomes a problem. In fact, she had another biopsy done a year or two ago for the same reason, and it turned out to be nothing, so I'm hopeful that will happen again. I'm especially hopeful for that since I overheard her on the phone with the doctor saying that she had been nervous and stressed-out. I had no idea she was feeling that way: she always plays down her illnesses when she talks to my sister and me. WHEN she talks to us, that is. She didn't even mention her follow-up visit until the day she went to it, and even then, she didn't tell us that they were checking a spot that showed up. I'm a bit annoyed that she feels she has to hide things like that to protect us, but I guess I can understand that she's just not comfortable discussing things like that with her children, even though we are grown.

November 23, 2004 03:34 PM


If things go as planned, in May of next year, I am taking a trip to Los Angeles! :dances: And I'll tell you right now that if I don't meet anyone famous, I'm going to be *very* disappointed ...

Speaking of which, recently I've been obsessed with a certain famous person. Yeah, okay, several, but one in particular. I don't want to admit who, so I'll call him Nicholas, because I love that name. It seems that at the moment, Nicholas is in Las Vegas. If the time comes for my trip, and I have any reason to believe that he is still in Vegas, I may have to take a side junket and try to track him down.

But I'm torn. I know that the probability of finding him - even if he's there - is pretty small. Plus, what would I do if I actually found him?! I can't imagine his handsome face looking at my oh-so-plain one. And beyond that, what if I met him and he was rude to me? My dream of us riding off into the sunset would take a definite turn for the worse...

I'm still debating, as you can see. I think I like the idea of doing it, just to say that I tried it. I haven't thought quite enough to know what I'd do if it actually worked!

November 25, 2004
» thankful


After the previous entry, I learned that what I had written was incorrect: my mother only had a visit with the doctor that day, and not the biopsy itself. But the biopsy turned out to be the very next morning. I drove her to the hospital, and sat reading a book while she was in surgery. It didn't take long before the doctor came out; he told me that he didn't see anything to worry about but they'd know for sure after the got the test results. She went to the doctor yesterday for a follow-up visit, and he had the test results: it's not cancer! *weeps for joy*

So, as you can imagine, we're feeling very thankful today. :) I've been trying to really notice things I normally take for granted and just pause and realize how truly blessed I am. I look at our house, and I'm so thankful to have a place to live, and a family to share it with. We had a delicious meal today, with plenty left over. We went outside and the sun was shining and the sky was blue. Plus, we all had the day off from work.

I also feel blessed to have what I'll call a "growing" faith. A little over two years ago I went through a period where I was very unsure about things, and that really weighed on my mind. Looking back now, I can see that God brought me through that to make my faith stronger, something I very much needed. I'm still not where I'd like to be, but I really believe I'll get there.

I'd better stop before I gush any more. *grin* Have a very happy thanksgiving, everyone.

November 30, 2004
» Dear Santa, I can explain . . .


On Saturday I had one of my best ushering gigs to date: thanks to a shortage of available people, I was able to usher for one of the Broadway Theatre League's performances. Now I know why they normally have a plethora of volunteers: it was so great! Which show was it, you say? Well, um, see that's where my subject line comes in. It was The Full Monty. *blush* My cousin was an usher as well, and she joked about not wanting the pastor to ask which show she saw. I told my sister that and my sister said, "Well, if that's how you feel about it, you probably shouldn't have gone in the first place." Oh, it wasn't like all of THAT! There was no full frontal nudity, although things did get a bit crude at times. To me the most questionable thing was the use of a certain swear word, but it wasn't used all that much. Overall, the show was so good that I might have even paid $44 for a ticket to see it. Seriously!

In other news, this morning my boss told me that he'll be in town next week. Ever the suspicious one, I'm wondering if he's going to say that they have to let me go. Well, maybe I'm not so much suspicious as I am hopeful. ;) I've wondered several times if I should leave at the end of the year anyway. Even though I currently have zero job prospects, I still love the thought of having some time off. Whatever the reason for his visit, I hope it's a brief one. We share an office and when he's around I feel as if I can't stay busy enough.

November 30, 2004 @ 11:49 AM
» this small divide


I have to work this evening, so I'm finding myself with about three hours to kill. I'm wondering if I should go see The Incredibles. *thinks* I've heard it's good, and I think I would like it so that's not the issue. The problem is that lately whenever I watch a movie at the theatre, I seem to leave with a sick headache. I think it's a combination of the weird lighting and the fact that I hardly ever go to the movies (because there's hardly ever anything that I want to see). According to my source, the movie is about two hours long, so it would finish up at just the right time for me to make it work on time. Plus, even though I brought a book, where could I go to read it? I think the library closes at five. It gets too dark and too cold out to sit in the car and read. And I hate to go to some restaurant and park my carcass for a couple of hours. I may have to give the movie a try . . . maybe I'll take the aspirin from work, just in case.

In other news, last week I ventured to write to a couple of guys from that online-meet-up site that I belong to. Since a couple had written to me first, I'm not quite sure how many I'm currently writing to - maybe three or four. I'm really hoping to impress one of the guys that I wrote to; his profile says that he's about six foot three, and - oh my! - I do like a big guy. (Not fat big, but tall-and-manly big.) It's my turn to write back, and I don't know what to say. There's so much pressure! I want to sound intelligent, witty, interesting . . . yeah, I may have to lie and steal some material like that from some other source. (Kidding!) Still, the way I see it is that if he's the one for me, we will wind up together. I forget exactly where he lives, but I think it's something like 600 miles away. Sigh.

On a more disturbing note, my right side has developed that condition where the circulation frequently seems constricted, even when there's no apparent cause. This started on Saturday night as I was trying to get to sleep. Then, sitting in church on Sunday night, my right arm and leg started feeling that way - then the right side of my face followed! Yes, that was *mighty* disturbing, until I remembered that I had the same problem a few years ago, but on my left side. I wonder if this reoccurrence of it stems from the fact that I've been sitting for long periods of time at work. With that in mind I'm trying to move around more during the day.

December 6, 2004
» Miss Independent


When it comes to relationships, I really am Miss Independent. I think it stems from my high school days when I had long crushes on guys that never liked me back. I used to think that type of thing was SO romantic - now I just think it's sad! Somewhere along the way, I decided that it was pointless to even like anyone, since he wouldn't like me back. So, when some ho-hum guys would ask me out, I'd go although I truly didn't care for them one way or the other. Then, over time, I'd start to like them, but I'd realize that they weren't the Marrying Kind, so we were really wasting our time dating. Then, of course, came the inevitable heart-rending breakup...

After that I decided that I have what Delilah (from the radio) calls a broken-picker-outer. But at least I've recognized that. Now, when guys that I'm not attracted to ask me out, I decline as politely as possible. (I also learned along the way that declining kindly is a lot nicer than going out with them for a while only to tell them that you're still not interested.)

The problem is that I think I've started looking for reasons to turn guys down. He's too skinny, and that's just not attractive. He misspelled a word in his email to me: that's not what I want. He's divorced - RUN AWAY! and on and on it goes.

I'm rambling about this because I've lately been casually writing to a couple of guys from one of those on-line meet-up sites. The twist is that I'm actually kinda, sorta interested in one of them. And the thing that I like about him is so shallow: he's tall. Yet, even then, in the back of my mind, I keep thinking that there is NO WAY that this will work out. He lives hundreds of miles away. What if we met and one of us found the other repulsive? Are we even compatible? Then I try to calm down and remind myself that I don't have to decide about forever right at this moment! One thing is for sure: if I don't ever meet anyone and try to go deeper, I'll remain Miss Independent. And independence - while in itself a good thing - can sometimes get a bit lonely...

December 8, 2004
» 'tis the season


As I mentioned in the previous post, the boss is in town. Yesterday he took me and the other guy from the office to the Olive Garden for our Christmas luncheon. The boss insisted that we have dessert, and I enjoyed the white chocolate raspberry cheesecake. Except for the boss's wife making her usual insulting remark, it was a really lovely time.

Today, Tony (aka "the other guy from the office") asked me, "So, you'll be staying with us until you find another job?" What? I made no such claim! Apparently the boss had told him that; Tony said that he thought the boss had already spoke to me, since he told him. Tony said, "Well, try to look surprised when he tells you." Forget that - I'll try not to look disappointed! I told Tony that I was kind of hoping the boss would said they'd have to let me go at the end of the year, so that I could have some time off. Tony said that the boss would be glad to give me a week or two off. Sigh. They're just not getting it: I want to be FREE from that company! But it looks like I'm going to have to stop thinking of it that way. The boss has decided that there IS work for me to do after all. (Imagine that, after all of his talk of how I "don't have anything" to do.)

I wondered if this stemmed from a chat that I had with the boss's wife: she asked whether I had built my house yet. I said that I had put that on hold, since I was working part-time and in an unsure job situation. I said that I thought it would be better to wait until I had a better, more steady job. I wonder if the boss understands that since I am planning to leave, I do not consider my current job to be "steady."

In other news, HOW did I get so far behind in my Christmas shopping? I was thrilled to be out of school for a change, and start shopping early without having to worry about finals, projects due, etc. I even started casually shopping for gifts back in September ... maybe I've been spoiled by all the time I thought I had, and I've been *too* casual about it.

December 9, 2004 @ 02:15 PM
» rainy day rambler


It seems as though the clock has been stuck at 1:30 for the last hour or so. I get to leave in two hours - YAY for a part-time jobs! - but now the day has been creeping by. The others from the office have gone out of town. Since I'm waiting for info from someone else before I can continue work on my Petty Project, I'm stuck rambling here until that information is provided, or it's time to go, whichever comes first.

I just checked my email at one of those Singles websites; I recently added a new picture, and somehow that shows up as one of their search features, so I'm getting a lot of mail. I probably shouldn't have added such a nice-looking picture, but I just couldn't bring myself to post one where I actually look like myself! :shudders: So, now I'm getting a bunch of "how YOU doin'?" emails. It would be funny, if it wasn't so sad. There are a lot of lonely people out there, let me tell you. And I feel so bad about writing back, telling them that I'm not interested. Then again, I'd feel even worse if I started writing to them knowing how I don't feel about them. One guy with "four or more" children wrote to me, and I'm not sure, but I think that I replied to him that I would be interested in casually chatting. That was SO wrong, because I'm not interested in four-or-more kids - not even a little bit!

On the bright side, it doesn't seem to matter how many people I start to write to, because very few of them seem to last beyond four or five emails. Even the ones beyond that don't seem to persist much. What's up with that, btw? I mean, what were they hoping for after a couple of emails? If you write to someone who is several states away, how would you even know if you would consider traveling to visit them, unless you felt as if you knew something about them? I know that I wouldn't even want to give a 'Net guy my phone number unless we'd been writing for a few weeks, and I *really* felt that we had some sort of something between us.

Rambling on, for lack of anything better to do, I'm hoping that it will stop raining before I leave work. I am planning to go Christmas shopping/looking at the store where I usually find most of the stuff for people. (Am I phrasing things really weird in this entry, or what? I've been having that problem lately when I speak to . . .) I would go there this weekend, but its location is not exactly convenient to my house. I will probably go this afternoon unless the rain is seriously pouring.

Okay, another gripe: I'm looking for a job. When I search the local newspaper's website for "Engineering/Technical" jobs, the search result returns six pages of openings, but not even ten of those actually fit the category! There are tons of ads for dental assistants, truck drivers, fry cooks, etc. After the first few weeks of those worthless results, I wrote to the website asking what the problem was. They wrote back a generic letter thanking me for bringing it to their attention. :rollseyes: I just checked and it's still messed up.

More messed-up on-line stuff: I have decided to cut the fat and get rid of three of my old email accounts by the end of the year. These accounts are so far beyond worthless, yet I've kept them because I think that somewhere somehow those accounts may be listed for some of my sites, and I may one day need to use them. But, I've decided that it's time to let go. One of them I'm absolutely done with, but they don't offer an option to delete the account! It's bad enough that they stick in 100 freakin' ads, but now they think they've got me trapped into using their services. (News flash fellas: that's SO not true!) I tried to use their contact form to ask how to cancel, but if the form works as badly as their service, they probably won't receive the form data.

Whoa: that's a long entry! I'd best end here, and ramble elsewhere . . .

December 16, 2004
» to me, from me


My Christmas shopping would probably go a little better if I'd stop buying stuff for myself. *sheepish* On a trip to Wal-Mart, I happened to find a CD that I've been looking for for weeks: Greatest by Duran Duran; it was only $10, so how am I supposed to resist that? lol Speaking of Duran Duran, I saw in the paper last week that they are making a comeback: woo hoo! If any of the songs from their new album (Astronaut) sound anything like their previous songs, I'll be adding it to my collection.

Another find that I couldn't resist was Seabiscuit. Have I mentioned that I'm ever-so-slightly obsessed with Tobey Maguire? So this movie for $5 at the Dollar General caught my eye as I stood in line at the cash register. I actually left the store without it - trying to stick to Christmas shopping for others - but at my next stop, I kept thinking about it, and I had to go back. I watched it last night; it was really good, but I think I'll always prefer Tobey as Spiderman.

Earlier this week, I also pre-ordered the MacGyver season one DVD! *dances like a crazy woman* That may be my favorite show of all time, and I've waited SO long for the chance to see it again. I've got most of season seven on tape (from where I recorded it back in 1991-92) but since we don't have cable, I haven't seen the rest of the episodes since I watched them during the show's original run.

But that's it. Until I complete my Christmas shopping, I shall buy nothing more for myself. Maybe that will give me incentive to finish. :)

December 20, 2004
» all I want for Christmas


Things are SO not going my way. It started Friday night, when the singles group from church got together for our Christmas party. I've gone to church with the same people for years now, and I just don't feel a connection to them. It's probably my fault: they don't try to get to know me, and I don't volunteer much. Especially when we're all together like we were Friday night: the ones that talk the most frequently interrupt each other, and I HATE when I get interrupted. I tend to be soft-spoken, but darn it, that doesn't mean I have nothing to say. Even if I'm saying nothing worthwhile, I'm not the first person to ever do that, so it would be nice if they would show the same respect that I do and just listen for a few brief moments.

So, while I'm at the party, being quiet and largely ignored, one of the girls mentioned that a former member of the group is engaged. When that guy was at church, I kinda thought he liked me . . . yeah, that was a ridiculous notion, I see that now. The girl that shared the news also said that the guy had liked her, but she didn't like him that way. Well of COURSE he liked her, the petite pretty one! Even though he's been gone for a while, that brought me down, to be wrong yet again about someone liking me.

Needless to say, I remained in a pretty grumpy mood most of the weekend. Yesterday morning, the Sunday School teacher asked for our best Christmas memory: another girl in the class and I said that we only remembered bad times. Sure, most of mine have been okay, but they're really all the same: my family stays home (like we do most of the time), opens gifts, has something to eat, and tries to find something to fill the rest of the day. It's fine, but it doesn't exactly make memories.

Then last night, while I'm telling my family about one of my bad memories, my sister pulls a pair of underwear out of the laundry pile, and my mom starts paying attention to her WHILE I'M TALKING. My sister said that was hers or wasn't hers or some such crap that was SO CLEARLY more important than my painful Christmas memory. Is it SO HARD to listen to me? I listen to them prattle on (and on and on) about every tiny detail of what happens at their work place, and they can't seem to focus on what I say for even a minute.

Lately I find myself impatient to get a place of my own. I can't do it now while I'm in this unstable job situation, but I am so ready. Sometimes if I'm in a more sentimental mood, I get a little sad about leaving the family (which is silly because I'll still be close by) but I know that it is past time. I cannot stay there. So many things bug me about the way Mom does things, and I try to be patient, telling myself (as a wise friend told me years ago) that when I get a place of my own, I can have things the way I want them.

I read a quote in an article about Extreme Makeover: Home Edition where someone said that you can't feel good about yourself when you're living in a place that you don't feel represents you: in my case, I agree with that fully. Our house is so cluttered. It is filled to the brim with JUNK. I've tried to clean it up before on numerous occasions, and am SO FRUSTRATED to see that it is messed up almost the very next day. Needless to say, I've pretty much given up on that. Plus, I realized that cleaning is so frustrating because there is literally nowhere else to put stuff; this is why Mom piles stuff, well, everywhere.

I'm not sure what the point of this rant was. I guess just to try to feel that I've been heard. Thanks for listening. :)

December 26, 2004
» it's always something


I hope that everyone had a very Merry Christmas! Mine was really nice: one of the nicest in recent memory, although none have been bad...

My cousin invited over, so we drove to their house, arriving about 11:30. My cousin's in-laws as well as his mother and sister were there. We all ate and chatted. Since we last visited them they've acquired a large, beautiful collie named Jupiter; I kept hoping they'd let him come inside, but they didn't, and I'm still kicking myself for not stepping into the back yard to visit him.

We left about two since we still needed to cook our own Christmas dinner/supper and open our presents. We opened the presents first, and everyone seemed pleased with their gifts. Among the things I received: Spiderman 2 (from my wonderful e-pal Michele), a new pair of gloves (which I needed), a set of mugs and other household items, bath sets, candles, books, CDs, etc. After the gifts were opened, I went to our very cold kitchen to make some vegetarian dressing. I'd misplaced the recipe that I used several years ago, so I modified one from one of Mom's cookbooks. I don't know how my family liked it, but I thought it turned out very well.

In less good news, I have a new mysterious body pain to fret about. I've had weird twinges of very mild pain in my right chest/lung area for the past couple of days. I'll point out again that it's very mild, not even so much a "pain" as it is a "noticeable feeling," but the fact that it's noticeable - and recurring - concerns me a bit. Last night it was persistently noticeable; as I was trying to go to sleep and even right after I woke up, there it was. At first I thought it was chest congestion but I don't have a runny nose, sore throat, or anything like that. This morning I decided that it could be from sitting in one position so long at work while using the computer mouse; from what I can tell it seems to be more like a surface muscle pain than something with my lungs, because it doesn't hurt to breathe, not even deep breaths. A few years ago, I developed a major pain in my right side - I seriously thought I had broken a rib, but after I re-positioned my computer mouse, the pain subsided in a few days. So I'm going to try that again. I'm not trying to ignore it if there's really something wrong, but I'd like to keep the hypochondriac in me from worrying over nothing.

December 28, 2004
» work with me, people!


Today I accomplished a milestone in my job search: I wrote out a very basic cover letter. I also uploaded said cover letter to the UTTERLY WORTHLESS job search system used by my alma mater; I'd like to think that was a good idea, but since I've received zero job prospects from them so far, I seriously doubt that one little generic letter is going to turn things around.

I also explored a couple of other job sites, and one of those is one that I've been looking for, albeit very casually. Now that I know where it is, I can search again, since they currently have nothing I'm qualified for. (Ah, the story of my career. Sigh.)

I'm really trying to be patient, but it's getting tough. Maybe I've been too patient, because apparently I've been waiting for the perfect job to drop into my lap. *shamed* I was thinking this morning how I'd love to get a good job just to show my bosses that I could. They think I'm completely senseless, which is another reason I'm looking forward to getting a real, thinking job. Once again I'm in that mood where I'm so tired of all the petty little tasks. I need to get a job in my field fast, before I forget everything I ever learned.

In other news, I had a lovely Christmas. I tried to use the time off wisely by accomplishing some chores that I've been avoiding, like putting stuff away. Seeing the stuff now so organized makes me proud; maybe that encouraged me to get on the ball with this job hunt. Plus, it's the end of the year, so it's a good time to get organized and try to start the new year off right.

December 30, 2004 @ 11:10 AM
» out with the old ...


Following my typical pattern for the end of the year, I am working to organize my stuff. I started last weekend by putting away things that have been lying around the house for months. I continued by organizing my out of control list of things to do, and I managed to get it into a more manageable form. (Then of course, I found another list of plans, so I still need to merge that into the master lists.)

I read somewhere that it's a good idea to decide what would make a year ideal, and then make specific goals to make it happen. With that in mind, here is what would make my year ideal - based on my current mood, of course.

Get a new job that I like. I graduated in May and I confess that I've been very slack about looking. Hopefully that trend is passing because I recently began work on a new cover letter, and I searched a little more diligently for job opportunities. (I haven't found anything yet, but at least I'm looking!) I need a new job, because it would be wonderful to finally get to practice that stuff I spent so many years going to school for. Plus, my current job is extremely part-time with zero benefits: and I have a dentist appointment on the twenty-seventh of January. Plus, I'd like to find a new job just because I'd love to tell my current bosses that I found one. A good one.

Get my house built. That has been my dream for as long as I can remember, but as of this year it actually seems possible, since I found the house plan that I've loved for years. I even talked to the bank and got an estimate from a builder, but then my job situation changed to drastically part-time, and I knew that the bank wouldn't lend me much money in that predicament. This is another reason that finding a good, steady job is critical. In the mean-time, I *love* to look around for household things, so that I'll be ready.

Those are really the only two things I can think of to make my year ideal, but they're pretty big. Of course I'd love to meet my soulmate, but the two plans listed seem way more probable than that.

In less grand plans, I'd just like to be more faithful, and truly be happy. I'd like to expand my world, try new things, and meet new people. I'd like to be a blessing to others. I'd like to give an honest day's work for an honest day's pay. And I'd like to be a better friend.

Happy New Year, everybody! *g*


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