Just For Laughs
Comedy, like medicine, should not be attempted without years of practice. (Despite that, I'm posting some of my faves jokes and such here.)
. . .
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
How does a train hear?
With its engineers.
Why is it dangerous to do math in the jungle?
Because if you add 4 and 4, you get 8.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Did you hear the one about the germ?
Never mind. I probably shouldn't spread it around.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
and what kind of lettuce?
What do cat actors say on stage?
Tabby or not tabby!
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
. . .
Customer: Is your coffee fresh?
Me: I am pretty sure it was made today.
Customer: (blank look)
[I was trying to make a joke!]
Manager (to servers): People! It does not take a rocket scientist to make coffee!
(After he said this, he tried to make coffee; the filter backed up and made a huge mess. Maybe it does take a rocket scientist!)
. . .
The Bus Incident*
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
* This may be my favorite joke of all time.
. . .
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
. . .
A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
. . .
A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray: "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and she does not win. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car." Lotto night comes and still has no luck.
Once again, she Prays... "Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself... "Lady, work with me on this. Buy a ticket."
. . .
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Bustard (n.), a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
. . .
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord: So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped or lost my temper. I have not been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or self-indulgent. I have not whined, cursed or eaten any chocolate. However, in a few minutes I am going to get out of bed, and I will need a lot more help after that ...
. . .
SOUTHERN MEDICAL TERMS
Benign...............What you be after you be eight.
Artery.......................The study of paintings.
Barium.............What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section..............A neighborhood in Rome.
Coma..............................A punctuation mark.
Dilate..................................To live long.
Enema...................................Not a friend.
Fester.....................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula...................................A small lie.
Impotent...................Distinguished, well known.
Nitrates......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node......................................I knew it.
Post Operative......................A letter carrier.
Rectum..........................Darn near killed him.
. . .
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!....."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive..."
. . .
RULES FOR CHOOSING A SUPERHERO NAME
1. Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g. Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
4. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman.
5. But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil
7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.
10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
11. Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady if you're a man -- even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.
12. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.
13. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.
. . .
Caffeine is my shepherd, I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures.
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal (tm).
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez.
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of Folger's forever.
. . .
A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left.
The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said, "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"